FIC: On My Own (1/1)
Title: On My Own
Author: tromana
Rating: T
Characters: Jane/Lisbon
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: When somebody says 'I love you', it's easy to say 'I love you too'.
Spoilers: Up to 2x16 Code Red
Notes: Written for the Jello Forever April 2010 Challenge. Prompt: Wishes
When somebody says 'I love you'
It's easy to say 'I love you too'
When somebody says 'I need you'
It's hard not to say 'I need you too'
When somebody says 'don't leave me'…
- Why Should I Change, Dianne Pilkington (from Over the Threshold)
On My Own
"I love you."
"I… love you too."
She sounded tentative as she responded to his sincere statement. They were words she had never expected to hear from him, of all people. In fact, there was a time when she once believed that she was more likely to hear him utter the complete opposite of what he had just said. That was why she had sounded so unsure, so careful as she had replied to him. It still felt unnatural saying that she loved him, regardless of how she actually felt, something which she wasn't exactly sure about anyway. It had all happened so quickly, she'd barely had time to think about what was happening to her, never mind about anything else. Shaking her head with her bed hair falling into her eyes, Lisbon slapped his bare chest affectionately before laying down and curling around his form. She'd needed to lighten the situation, she hadn't felt ready for the gravity of his tone. This arrangement of theirs was meant to be fun; they both had far too much darkness in their lives to drag this down with it. And she did feel safe and secure for once, which given her career choice was something of a miracle. There was always some big bad out there, somebody she was meant to be chasing down. She had looked down the barrel of more guns than she cared to admit, received more work related injuries than she even remembered and felt as if she had a perpetual headache due to the stress of paperwork and pressure from higher-ups.
But in depth talks still scared her, especially if they had something to do with her emotional well-being. They usually lead to something frightening, like somebody declaring that it wasn't working or pushing for more commitment. Lisbon wasn't ready for either of them, not yet and especially not with Patrick Jane. While his hand ran up and down her spine and she listened to his regular heart beat, she waited for the inevitable 'but'. She was still processing the sudden declaration of love, wondering where he was going to go with it. Jane didn't say or do anything without a reason and that was what worried her most of all. Jane, however, seemed pretty contented compared to her, but that didn't stop him from picking up on her discomfort. After placing a kiss on the crown of her head, he gazed down at her with rounded eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Hm? Oh… nothing."
"You need to work on being more convincing."
"Shut up."
"No."
"Damn you."
"You don't mean that."
"You're right, I don't."
"So?"
"So?"
"What's wrong?"
"You want a serious conversation," she mumbled, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.
"No, I'm fine."
Jane chuckled gently at her and she simply pouted in response. Sometimes, he made her feel like an absolute idiot and this was one of those times. Her fiery gaze softened when he shifted them both slightly so that he could place soft kisses on her jaw line and mouth. Eventually, as he allowed his hands to soothe tensed muscles and lips to show her just how much she meant to him, Lisbon slowly began to relax. There was still a good hour or so until they had to get up, after all.
"Don't leave me," he murmured, so quiet that she barely heard and her blood suddenly ran cold in response.
***
Lisbon thought something might be wrong when she unlocked her front door.
She knew it when she saw the envelope on the table.
It was neatly propped up against the photograph of her brothers, conspicuous by the fact that it was written in Jane's handwriting rather than her own and because she'd cleaned all of her junk off it just before she went to work that morning. Without even thinking, she allowed the file she had been carrying and her purse to fall carelessly to the ground as she rushed towards the desk and scooped it up. Her fingers trembled as they attacked the gummed edge, struggling to gain entry into the vibrating envelope. Her chest tightened as she finally managed to pull the piece of paper from out, though not without it catching on bits of the envelope she had failed to loosen.
The words almost blurred as she initially scanned what had been written and then concentrated enough to see what it actually said. It explained why she hadn't seen Jane for two days straight. Of course, she'd tried to find him, but nobody had seen hide nor hair of him and a trace on his cell phone had indicated that it had been dumped in the bottom of a lake. Even his car was useless and she'd banked on it being so individual that it would stand out wherever he went. Unfortunately, he'd simply left it at the apartment he rented, the one which he barely spent any time at these days, opting to spend all his free time at her own. Basically, she'd been at a loss as to how to find him and had simply hoped that whatever he chose to do, it wasn't to get into trouble.
The confirmation that she was worth less to him than Red John hurt more than she expected and she thought she'd prepared for it. Obviously, she hadn't, for the tears were beginning to sting at the corner of her eyes. What they had, it had been more of a pleasant distraction than anything else. There was nothing serious between them; she'd been the one preventing it from going too far. Mainly because she knew that one day, she would come home to this. A confession that yes, he had killed Red John, no he wasn't sorry about it and that obviously, they couldn't see each other again. Her career meant that the moment she saw him, she'd have to arrest him because it was her duty to catch the criminals. And his desire, his quest had placed him very much in that category. Love, or rather, affection didn't, or shouldn't, come into play. So he'd gone into hiding to remove himself the situation. Something about being out of sight meant that he would be out of her mind.
She let out a hoarse laugh as the note slowly descended to the floor and her knees crumpled as she joined it, propping herself up against the table leg and not caring about the way the sharp edge dug into her back.
Oh, the bitter irony.
***
When she told the team, she almost felt like she was the one who had let them down.
Then again, maybe she had? After all, Lisbon was the one who was meant to have him on a tight leash, especially after they started dating. She was the boss, the one in charge and he was meant to listen to her. But then again, with Jane, it was always 'meant to'. He may have heard what she said, considered it, but usually he would have gone and done the complete opposite. Really though, she should have attempted to persuade him to not kill Red John, to let them have him the legal way, however fruitless a task that would have been. Then at least she would have been able to say 'I tried' and held her head up high instead of living in this perpetual guilt at not having done anything either way.
Instead, she now had to focus on trying to catch him. To eventually send him to rot in jail. That was despite the fact that he had killed a serial killer and technically, he may have deserved it. The evidence was too damning to allow him get off the hook either way. In fact, the whole team was lucky that they hadn't been charged as being accessories to Red John's murder. Lisbon wasn't quite sure how, but somehow Hightower had managed to quash that charge before it even materialized.
It was Rigsby who managed to, not so much as trace him down, but to realize that he had, in effect been stalking them. It didn't take too long for them to be able to track his every move, to realize where he stayed with some sort of predictability. As far as Lisbon was concerned, he wasn't even trying to avoid them, he'd managed to make himself untraceable for the two days where he hunted and slaughtered Red John, so there was no reason why he couldn't have continued with it. He was more than clever enough and he'd had direct experience working with them, so should have known they would work it out sooner or later. Jane knew how to disappear off the face of the earth and Lisbon was flabbergasted by the simple fact that he didn't. Perhaps he had just given up? Now that he had killed Red John, he no longer had the drive to try and flush out the serial killer. And since he carried out the vengeance he had apparently craved, he had lost her in the process. He'd always had the appearance of a man living for nothing, so maybe without any drive in his life, he truly was simply existing so whether or not he gave himself up to the authorities made no difference to him.
Eventually, it was Lisbon, naturally, who cornered him. She hated herself ever so slightly as she placed the silver handcuffs around his wrists and tightened them firmly. Blinking once to rid herself of the tears threatening to cascade, she repeated the action a second time, just to be sure. Jane didn't put up a fight - he might have done had it been anybody else in the team. But as it was Lisbon who was arresting him, he just let her get on with it. It was easier than fighting and besides, the situation was difficult enough for the pair of them already. Causing a fuss may have made her angry, rather than upset, but he simply didn't have the heart to do so.
Besides, they'd both known that when she finally caught up with him that it would always come to this.
***
With a heavy sigh, she clicked off the tape recorder and gave him one of her trademark glares. Jane didn't even squirm under her gaze, merely looked as if it was something he had missed desperately in their four months separated. They remained in silence, merely staring each other, almost daring the other to break the silence first. Lisbon knew that she was suffering from a mixture of emotions as she looked at the incorrigible blond in front of her. Frustration, affection, anger and even a little bit of love, simply because she couldn't help herself. Though she tried not to, when she felt something so deeply, she wore her heart on her sleeve - not to the extreme that Van Pelt did, however. And she was hurting like hell. Knowing that he was going to jail was somehow so much terribly worse than knowing he was out there somewhere, free. Though he probably didn't agree, she had a feeling that jail was going to kill him. Even if he did come out of the other end alive, he certainly wouldn't be the same man sitting in front of her at that very moment. All because he just had to keep an eye on them, couldn't keep his head down. Jackass.
"Why did you follow us?" she hissed, trying to make sure the rest of their conversation went unheard. "If you valued your freedom…"
"I missed you."
"You missed me?" she echoed, aghast. "You missed me? Is it really worth it, worth this?"
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, do stop."
"You're the one who started this conversation."
"We wouldn't be having this conversation if you didn't kill Red John."
"I never said I'd do otherwise."
Lisbon clenched her fist. It was oh so tempting to just punch him, slap him silly, anything to wipe that stupid grin off of his face. Didn't he realize just how precarious the situation he had found himself in was? But then again, Jane's reaction whenever there was a problem was to smile his way through it, to let his natural charm help him worm his way out of it. Though she would vehemently deny it, she knew that it was part of the reason he managed to worm his way past her defenses. Instead of beating him senseless, she stood, closed the venetian blinds and then paced around the desk that stood between them. He opened his mouth to speak but she placed a finger on his lips, silencing him immediately. It wasn't as if he could get away from her. Jane was chained to the floor and handcuffed. Lisbon had a feeling that given half an hour without surveillance, he would have both restraints off, but that wasn't what she was meant to be thinking about.
"Teresa…"
"Just…" she muttered, choking slightly on the word. "Just let me have this. Please?"
Gently, she cupped his face in her hands and placed a feather light kiss on his forehead. Jane's eyes fluttered shut, having missed her tender touch terribly. Carefully, she maneuvered herself onto his lap, allowing her hands to migrate into his mop of blond curls, twisting strands around her fingers. Lisbon gently placed a chaste kiss on his lips, somehow tentative and desperate at the same time. When she allowed her lips to crash down on his for a second time, Jane responded instantaneously, equaling her ferocity. Tongues tasted, teeth nipped and she only pulled away when she absolutely had to, when she desperately needed to breathe. Within seconds, she was looking at him as if absolutely nothing had happened between them. With a softened gaze, so different to the way she had initially looked at him, she scooped up the recorder and placed it in her pocket before heading towards the door.
"Goodbye, Jane."
***
I miss you.
She read the words over and over again. It wasn't a surprise to receive yet another postcard from him. In fact, she'd seen it even before it was written. Cho had a hefty stash of them poorly hidden in his top draw and every time he visited Jane, he took a few and then replenished his own stock. And eventually, usually via Van Pelt, they wound up back on her desk. Blinking back the tears, she screwed it up, not wanting to read, even see, the cursive handwriting any longer and threw it bitterly into the trash. She had work to do, she didn't have the time to worry about her emotions or Jane's either.
Lisbon didn't need his postcards, or other pathetic attempts at attention to know that he missed her. After all, she missed him too. She missed waking up with his warm form pressed beside her and arm draped possessively over her waist. She missed arguing with him over cases, seeing his smile when a plan of his came to fruition, feeling his hand gently placed on the small of her back. They said you don't know what you've got until it's gone and she was simply learning just how right that statement was. Lisbon had, after once being a rather lonely individual, had grown used to sharing her life with another human being only to have it stolen away from her just after she'd adjusted to it.
Now, she was just having to readjust back.
Van Pelt walked into her office to ask about a form and her face fell when she saw the screwed up cardboard tossed carelessly away, waiting for the cleaners to dispose of it. She felt like she was constantly shooting sorrowful gazes in Lisbon's direction but the younger woman just couldn't help it. On an almost daily basis, she found herself simply wishing that she could break her boss' resolve. Ever since the Red John and Jane debacle, she'd just seemed so sad. Possibly even sadder than when Sam Bosco had died. Whatever they tried, they just couldn't improve her mood. Lisbon had always been a bit of a martyr when it came to her job, but since Jane's arrest and subsequent conviction, she had taken it to the extreme. It wasn't healthy for a woman to live like that, it wasn't right. But trying to explain such a thing to Teresa Lisbon was an impossibility, but that didn't stop them from trying. On several occasions, they'd all approached Lisbon, trying desperately to persuade her to go and visit Jane in jail. He'd begged to see her again, and continued to do so, though her stubbornness prevented her from giving in. As far as she was concerned, she had to try and close the figurative door on that time in her life. Not only because it was her way of getting over him, but because she refused to liaise with lawbreakers. That was the reason she barely talked to one of her younger brothers now.
And however she tried to look at it, she couldn't see past the fact that Jane was now a criminal too.
***
Richard smiled warmly at her and clasped her hand gently. Lisbon froze and quickly pulled it away from him. The poor man looked bemused and frowned slightly, obviously thinking that things had been going so well between them. He was a colleague, friend of Cho's girlfriend, Elise, and she was the one responsible for introducing them. Lisbon had been slightly surprised when the Asian agent had effectively organized a blind date for her without even letting her know. When he said it was Elise's idea, he was Elise's friend and basically that Elise had threatened Cho (and her friend, for that matter) with deep and dark things that she really didn't need to know about if he didn't mention it, she immediately understood and agreed to go on the farce of a date. There was nothing wrong with Richard per se - he was handsome, educated and made excellent conversation. It was just… well. He wasn't Jane.
"I'm sorry."
The idea was apparently that she would try and 'get over' Jane as she refused point blank to visit him. Though, she wasn't entirely sure what there was to recover from. He wasn't dead, not like her family, like Bosco. He was still alive and well, relatively speaking but he was simply in prison instead. Though, she couldn't exactly tell the brunette sitting opposite her that. The situation was simply bemusing to her, never mind what he would think. And to be fair, she wasn't ready for this, however nice that Richard was. Instead, she grabbed her cell phone, threw more than enough money to cover her share of the meal on the table and rose to her feet, with an apologetic expression written over her features. Somehow, the atmosphere had suddenly become stifling and quite simply, she wanted out.
When the cool breeze hit her face, she allowed herself a small smile. Wrapping her jacket tightly around her lithe form, she lengthened her stride and started her brisk walk home. Lisbon didn't want to think about the telephone calls she'd have to make in the morning, the apologies she'd have to make to Richard. Really, she'd overreacted simply because he'd dared to reach out and touch her as so many people did when they were on a date. She couldn't help but throw up her boundaries, remind herself of how much she had been hurt in the past and take it out on an innocent bystander, when really it was Elise's fault as she had been the one interfering. Though, of course, like so many people, she simply meant well. She'd probably been sick and tired about hearing from Cho about how terribly sad his boss had become and wanted to help do something about it.
Swiftly, she dialed a familiar number on her cell phone and pressed it to her ear as she continued walking. She couldn't put more men, more prospective dates through that, regardless of what other people thought. Maybe she simply wasn't designed for dating, maybe it was for the best that she just worked her life away rather than trying to find that slice of happiness that she apparently deserved.
"Cho? It's Lisbon."
"Hi Boss. Have we…"
"No. Just… please tell Elise that it was a disaster and that I'd… I'd rather be on my own for a while."
"Oh."
"I have my brothers. And I have you guys, right? I don't need…" she muttered, trailing off slightly. "I don't need anybody else."
"Yes, Boss."
***
She tried not to act surprised when she got the phone call stating that Jane had died.
He had always carried that dangerous combination of characteristics around with him and even in jail, refused to shrug it off. It was a scary mix of ego, recklessness and absolutely no desire to rein it in that had gotten him killed. Jane had apparently simply looked at another prisoner the wrong way, then goaded him, only to be torn limb from limb, figuratively speaking. It was obviously one risk too many, one insult too far. Of course, it didn't help that she'd never sent him any signs that he might just have had something to live for, that she did care about his well-being even if she couldn't bring herself to visit him. Again, and almost as expected, Lisbon found herself blaming herself for his death. He was just another in a long line of losses that she carried on her own shoulders because it was simply easier to do that than to find somebody else to pinpoint the blame on.
Lisbon didn't attend the funeral. As she refused to visit him when he was alive, she refused to say honor him in death. She wasn't quite sure whether or not she regretted the decision; she mainly saw it as sticking to her principles. Besides, she felt she had grieved for him so long ago now, when she first saw that note on her table stating that he had murdered Red John and she didn't want to mercilessly rip open old wounds. It was bad enough that he had seemed to completely ruin any chance she could have at a normal life, a normal romance without him continuing to haunt her daily existence. Though, of course, even now Jane somehow still managed to do just that on occasion.
According to Van Pelt, the service was peaceful, nice, if a little quiet. That didn't really surprise Lisbon. After all, Jane hadn't really had many friends, he'd been too channeled into his 'task' of killing Red John to really have time to nurture that many relationships with other people. Though of course, he'd tried with her. She shook her head violently, wishing to clear the thoughts from her head. However many times she tried to tell herself that she was over him, that he didn't matter anymore, he crept into her sub consciousness and practically taunted her with his presence.
She picked up a pen and started filling in a form so roughly that the ballpoint tore through the fragile piece of paper. With a hiss, she screwed it up, threw it into confidential waste, picked up another and started again.
As long as she told herself that he didn't deserve masses of people mourning for his loss, she'd be okay. Better to be angry than to be sad. And any, he was a murderer, he fit into the archetypal 'evil' persona. Nobody should be allowed to mourn for somebody like that.
***
Of course, she carried on with her life. She had to, she had no choice and it wasn't in her nature to just give up because things were looking a little tough. As far as Lisbon was concerned, she had a public image to uphold and as long as she looked strong on the outside, she was strong on the inside too.
She could have wished that things were different, that Jane had chosen her over Red John. But what was the point? That kind of thing belonged in fairytales, in Disney movies. In real life, there was no such thing as a happily ever after. At most, and if you were very lucky, you might be able to experience such a thing as making do with a tolerable existence. And that was only at very best. Something which she wasn't lucky enough to have, of course.
After all, how often, really, did wishes come true?
end
Author: tromana
Rating: T
Characters: Jane/Lisbon
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: When somebody says 'I love you', it's easy to say 'I love you too'.
Spoilers: Up to 2x16 Code Red
Notes: Written for the Jello Forever April 2010 Challenge. Prompt: Wishes
When somebody says 'I love you'
It's easy to say 'I love you too'
When somebody says 'I need you'
It's hard not to say 'I need you too'
When somebody says 'don't leave me'…
- Why Should I Change, Dianne Pilkington (from Over the Threshold)
On My Own
"I love you."
"I… love you too."
She sounded tentative as she responded to his sincere statement. They were words she had never expected to hear from him, of all people. In fact, there was a time when she once believed that she was more likely to hear him utter the complete opposite of what he had just said. That was why she had sounded so unsure, so careful as she had replied to him. It still felt unnatural saying that she loved him, regardless of how she actually felt, something which she wasn't exactly sure about anyway. It had all happened so quickly, she'd barely had time to think about what was happening to her, never mind about anything else. Shaking her head with her bed hair falling into her eyes, Lisbon slapped his bare chest affectionately before laying down and curling around his form. She'd needed to lighten the situation, she hadn't felt ready for the gravity of his tone. This arrangement of theirs was meant to be fun; they both had far too much darkness in their lives to drag this down with it. And she did feel safe and secure for once, which given her career choice was something of a miracle. There was always some big bad out there, somebody she was meant to be chasing down. She had looked down the barrel of more guns than she cared to admit, received more work related injuries than she even remembered and felt as if she had a perpetual headache due to the stress of paperwork and pressure from higher-ups.
But in depth talks still scared her, especially if they had something to do with her emotional well-being. They usually lead to something frightening, like somebody declaring that it wasn't working or pushing for more commitment. Lisbon wasn't ready for either of them, not yet and especially not with Patrick Jane. While his hand ran up and down her spine and she listened to his regular heart beat, she waited for the inevitable 'but'. She was still processing the sudden declaration of love, wondering where he was going to go with it. Jane didn't say or do anything without a reason and that was what worried her most of all. Jane, however, seemed pretty contented compared to her, but that didn't stop him from picking up on her discomfort. After placing a kiss on the crown of her head, he gazed down at her with rounded eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Hm? Oh… nothing."
"You need to work on being more convincing."
"Shut up."
"No."
"Damn you."
"You don't mean that."
"You're right, I don't."
"So?"
"So?"
"What's wrong?"
"You want a serious conversation," she mumbled, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.
"No, I'm fine."
Jane chuckled gently at her and she simply pouted in response. Sometimes, he made her feel like an absolute idiot and this was one of those times. Her fiery gaze softened when he shifted them both slightly so that he could place soft kisses on her jaw line and mouth. Eventually, as he allowed his hands to soothe tensed muscles and lips to show her just how much she meant to him, Lisbon slowly began to relax. There was still a good hour or so until they had to get up, after all.
"Don't leave me," he murmured, so quiet that she barely heard and her blood suddenly ran cold in response.
***
Lisbon thought something might be wrong when she unlocked her front door.
She knew it when she saw the envelope on the table.
It was neatly propped up against the photograph of her brothers, conspicuous by the fact that it was written in Jane's handwriting rather than her own and because she'd cleaned all of her junk off it just before she went to work that morning. Without even thinking, she allowed the file she had been carrying and her purse to fall carelessly to the ground as she rushed towards the desk and scooped it up. Her fingers trembled as they attacked the gummed edge, struggling to gain entry into the vibrating envelope. Her chest tightened as she finally managed to pull the piece of paper from out, though not without it catching on bits of the envelope she had failed to loosen.
The words almost blurred as she initially scanned what had been written and then concentrated enough to see what it actually said. It explained why she hadn't seen Jane for two days straight. Of course, she'd tried to find him, but nobody had seen hide nor hair of him and a trace on his cell phone had indicated that it had been dumped in the bottom of a lake. Even his car was useless and she'd banked on it being so individual that it would stand out wherever he went. Unfortunately, he'd simply left it at the apartment he rented, the one which he barely spent any time at these days, opting to spend all his free time at her own. Basically, she'd been at a loss as to how to find him and had simply hoped that whatever he chose to do, it wasn't to get into trouble.
The confirmation that she was worth less to him than Red John hurt more than she expected and she thought she'd prepared for it. Obviously, she hadn't, for the tears were beginning to sting at the corner of her eyes. What they had, it had been more of a pleasant distraction than anything else. There was nothing serious between them; she'd been the one preventing it from going too far. Mainly because she knew that one day, she would come home to this. A confession that yes, he had killed Red John, no he wasn't sorry about it and that obviously, they couldn't see each other again. Her career meant that the moment she saw him, she'd have to arrest him because it was her duty to catch the criminals. And his desire, his quest had placed him very much in that category. Love, or rather, affection didn't, or shouldn't, come into play. So he'd gone into hiding to remove himself the situation. Something about being out of sight meant that he would be out of her mind.
She let out a hoarse laugh as the note slowly descended to the floor and her knees crumpled as she joined it, propping herself up against the table leg and not caring about the way the sharp edge dug into her back.
Oh, the bitter irony.
***
When she told the team, she almost felt like she was the one who had let them down.
Then again, maybe she had? After all, Lisbon was the one who was meant to have him on a tight leash, especially after they started dating. She was the boss, the one in charge and he was meant to listen to her. But then again, with Jane, it was always 'meant to'. He may have heard what she said, considered it, but usually he would have gone and done the complete opposite. Really though, she should have attempted to persuade him to not kill Red John, to let them have him the legal way, however fruitless a task that would have been. Then at least she would have been able to say 'I tried' and held her head up high instead of living in this perpetual guilt at not having done anything either way.
Instead, she now had to focus on trying to catch him. To eventually send him to rot in jail. That was despite the fact that he had killed a serial killer and technically, he may have deserved it. The evidence was too damning to allow him get off the hook either way. In fact, the whole team was lucky that they hadn't been charged as being accessories to Red John's murder. Lisbon wasn't quite sure how, but somehow Hightower had managed to quash that charge before it even materialized.
It was Rigsby who managed to, not so much as trace him down, but to realize that he had, in effect been stalking them. It didn't take too long for them to be able to track his every move, to realize where he stayed with some sort of predictability. As far as Lisbon was concerned, he wasn't even trying to avoid them, he'd managed to make himself untraceable for the two days where he hunted and slaughtered Red John, so there was no reason why he couldn't have continued with it. He was more than clever enough and he'd had direct experience working with them, so should have known they would work it out sooner or later. Jane knew how to disappear off the face of the earth and Lisbon was flabbergasted by the simple fact that he didn't. Perhaps he had just given up? Now that he had killed Red John, he no longer had the drive to try and flush out the serial killer. And since he carried out the vengeance he had apparently craved, he had lost her in the process. He'd always had the appearance of a man living for nothing, so maybe without any drive in his life, he truly was simply existing so whether or not he gave himself up to the authorities made no difference to him.
Eventually, it was Lisbon, naturally, who cornered him. She hated herself ever so slightly as she placed the silver handcuffs around his wrists and tightened them firmly. Blinking once to rid herself of the tears threatening to cascade, she repeated the action a second time, just to be sure. Jane didn't put up a fight - he might have done had it been anybody else in the team. But as it was Lisbon who was arresting him, he just let her get on with it. It was easier than fighting and besides, the situation was difficult enough for the pair of them already. Causing a fuss may have made her angry, rather than upset, but he simply didn't have the heart to do so.
Besides, they'd both known that when she finally caught up with him that it would always come to this.
***
With a heavy sigh, she clicked off the tape recorder and gave him one of her trademark glares. Jane didn't even squirm under her gaze, merely looked as if it was something he had missed desperately in their four months separated. They remained in silence, merely staring each other, almost daring the other to break the silence first. Lisbon knew that she was suffering from a mixture of emotions as she looked at the incorrigible blond in front of her. Frustration, affection, anger and even a little bit of love, simply because she couldn't help herself. Though she tried not to, when she felt something so deeply, she wore her heart on her sleeve - not to the extreme that Van Pelt did, however. And she was hurting like hell. Knowing that he was going to jail was somehow so much terribly worse than knowing he was out there somewhere, free. Though he probably didn't agree, she had a feeling that jail was going to kill him. Even if he did come out of the other end alive, he certainly wouldn't be the same man sitting in front of her at that very moment. All because he just had to keep an eye on them, couldn't keep his head down. Jackass.
"Why did you follow us?" she hissed, trying to make sure the rest of their conversation went unheard. "If you valued your freedom…"
"I missed you."
"You missed me?" she echoed, aghast. "You missed me? Is it really worth it, worth this?"
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, do stop."
"You're the one who started this conversation."
"We wouldn't be having this conversation if you didn't kill Red John."
"I never said I'd do otherwise."
Lisbon clenched her fist. It was oh so tempting to just punch him, slap him silly, anything to wipe that stupid grin off of his face. Didn't he realize just how precarious the situation he had found himself in was? But then again, Jane's reaction whenever there was a problem was to smile his way through it, to let his natural charm help him worm his way out of it. Though she would vehemently deny it, she knew that it was part of the reason he managed to worm his way past her defenses. Instead of beating him senseless, she stood, closed the venetian blinds and then paced around the desk that stood between them. He opened his mouth to speak but she placed a finger on his lips, silencing him immediately. It wasn't as if he could get away from her. Jane was chained to the floor and handcuffed. Lisbon had a feeling that given half an hour without surveillance, he would have both restraints off, but that wasn't what she was meant to be thinking about.
"Teresa…"
"Just…" she muttered, choking slightly on the word. "Just let me have this. Please?"
Gently, she cupped his face in her hands and placed a feather light kiss on his forehead. Jane's eyes fluttered shut, having missed her tender touch terribly. Carefully, she maneuvered herself onto his lap, allowing her hands to migrate into his mop of blond curls, twisting strands around her fingers. Lisbon gently placed a chaste kiss on his lips, somehow tentative and desperate at the same time. When she allowed her lips to crash down on his for a second time, Jane responded instantaneously, equaling her ferocity. Tongues tasted, teeth nipped and she only pulled away when she absolutely had to, when she desperately needed to breathe. Within seconds, she was looking at him as if absolutely nothing had happened between them. With a softened gaze, so different to the way she had initially looked at him, she scooped up the recorder and placed it in her pocket before heading towards the door.
"Goodbye, Jane."
***
I miss you.
She read the words over and over again. It wasn't a surprise to receive yet another postcard from him. In fact, she'd seen it even before it was written. Cho had a hefty stash of them poorly hidden in his top draw and every time he visited Jane, he took a few and then replenished his own stock. And eventually, usually via Van Pelt, they wound up back on her desk. Blinking back the tears, she screwed it up, not wanting to read, even see, the cursive handwriting any longer and threw it bitterly into the trash. She had work to do, she didn't have the time to worry about her emotions or Jane's either.
Lisbon didn't need his postcards, or other pathetic attempts at attention to know that he missed her. After all, she missed him too. She missed waking up with his warm form pressed beside her and arm draped possessively over her waist. She missed arguing with him over cases, seeing his smile when a plan of his came to fruition, feeling his hand gently placed on the small of her back. They said you don't know what you've got until it's gone and she was simply learning just how right that statement was. Lisbon had, after once being a rather lonely individual, had grown used to sharing her life with another human being only to have it stolen away from her just after she'd adjusted to it.
Now, she was just having to readjust back.
Van Pelt walked into her office to ask about a form and her face fell when she saw the screwed up cardboard tossed carelessly away, waiting for the cleaners to dispose of it. She felt like she was constantly shooting sorrowful gazes in Lisbon's direction but the younger woman just couldn't help it. On an almost daily basis, she found herself simply wishing that she could break her boss' resolve. Ever since the Red John and Jane debacle, she'd just seemed so sad. Possibly even sadder than when Sam Bosco had died. Whatever they tried, they just couldn't improve her mood. Lisbon had always been a bit of a martyr when it came to her job, but since Jane's arrest and subsequent conviction, she had taken it to the extreme. It wasn't healthy for a woman to live like that, it wasn't right. But trying to explain such a thing to Teresa Lisbon was an impossibility, but that didn't stop them from trying. On several occasions, they'd all approached Lisbon, trying desperately to persuade her to go and visit Jane in jail. He'd begged to see her again, and continued to do so, though her stubbornness prevented her from giving in. As far as she was concerned, she had to try and close the figurative door on that time in her life. Not only because it was her way of getting over him, but because she refused to liaise with lawbreakers. That was the reason she barely talked to one of her younger brothers now.
And however she tried to look at it, she couldn't see past the fact that Jane was now a criminal too.
***
Richard smiled warmly at her and clasped her hand gently. Lisbon froze and quickly pulled it away from him. The poor man looked bemused and frowned slightly, obviously thinking that things had been going so well between them. He was a colleague, friend of Cho's girlfriend, Elise, and she was the one responsible for introducing them. Lisbon had been slightly surprised when the Asian agent had effectively organized a blind date for her without even letting her know. When he said it was Elise's idea, he was Elise's friend and basically that Elise had threatened Cho (and her friend, for that matter) with deep and dark things that she really didn't need to know about if he didn't mention it, she immediately understood and agreed to go on the farce of a date. There was nothing wrong with Richard per se - he was handsome, educated and made excellent conversation. It was just… well. He wasn't Jane.
"I'm sorry."
The idea was apparently that she would try and 'get over' Jane as she refused point blank to visit him. Though, she wasn't entirely sure what there was to recover from. He wasn't dead, not like her family, like Bosco. He was still alive and well, relatively speaking but he was simply in prison instead. Though, she couldn't exactly tell the brunette sitting opposite her that. The situation was simply bemusing to her, never mind what he would think. And to be fair, she wasn't ready for this, however nice that Richard was. Instead, she grabbed her cell phone, threw more than enough money to cover her share of the meal on the table and rose to her feet, with an apologetic expression written over her features. Somehow, the atmosphere had suddenly become stifling and quite simply, she wanted out.
When the cool breeze hit her face, she allowed herself a small smile. Wrapping her jacket tightly around her lithe form, she lengthened her stride and started her brisk walk home. Lisbon didn't want to think about the telephone calls she'd have to make in the morning, the apologies she'd have to make to Richard. Really, she'd overreacted simply because he'd dared to reach out and touch her as so many people did when they were on a date. She couldn't help but throw up her boundaries, remind herself of how much she had been hurt in the past and take it out on an innocent bystander, when really it was Elise's fault as she had been the one interfering. Though, of course, like so many people, she simply meant well. She'd probably been sick and tired about hearing from Cho about how terribly sad his boss had become and wanted to help do something about it.
Swiftly, she dialed a familiar number on her cell phone and pressed it to her ear as she continued walking. She couldn't put more men, more prospective dates through that, regardless of what other people thought. Maybe she simply wasn't designed for dating, maybe it was for the best that she just worked her life away rather than trying to find that slice of happiness that she apparently deserved.
"Cho? It's Lisbon."
"Hi Boss. Have we…"
"No. Just… please tell Elise that it was a disaster and that I'd… I'd rather be on my own for a while."
"Oh."
"I have my brothers. And I have you guys, right? I don't need…" she muttered, trailing off slightly. "I don't need anybody else."
"Yes, Boss."
***
She tried not to act surprised when she got the phone call stating that Jane had died.
He had always carried that dangerous combination of characteristics around with him and even in jail, refused to shrug it off. It was a scary mix of ego, recklessness and absolutely no desire to rein it in that had gotten him killed. Jane had apparently simply looked at another prisoner the wrong way, then goaded him, only to be torn limb from limb, figuratively speaking. It was obviously one risk too many, one insult too far. Of course, it didn't help that she'd never sent him any signs that he might just have had something to live for, that she did care about his well-being even if she couldn't bring herself to visit him. Again, and almost as expected, Lisbon found herself blaming herself for his death. He was just another in a long line of losses that she carried on her own shoulders because it was simply easier to do that than to find somebody else to pinpoint the blame on.
Lisbon didn't attend the funeral. As she refused to visit him when he was alive, she refused to say honor him in death. She wasn't quite sure whether or not she regretted the decision; she mainly saw it as sticking to her principles. Besides, she felt she had grieved for him so long ago now, when she first saw that note on her table stating that he had murdered Red John and she didn't want to mercilessly rip open old wounds. It was bad enough that he had seemed to completely ruin any chance she could have at a normal life, a normal romance without him continuing to haunt her daily existence. Though, of course, even now Jane somehow still managed to do just that on occasion.
According to Van Pelt, the service was peaceful, nice, if a little quiet. That didn't really surprise Lisbon. After all, Jane hadn't really had many friends, he'd been too channeled into his 'task' of killing Red John to really have time to nurture that many relationships with other people. Though of course, he'd tried with her. She shook her head violently, wishing to clear the thoughts from her head. However many times she tried to tell herself that she was over him, that he didn't matter anymore, he crept into her sub consciousness and practically taunted her with his presence.
She picked up a pen and started filling in a form so roughly that the ballpoint tore through the fragile piece of paper. With a hiss, she screwed it up, threw it into confidential waste, picked up another and started again.
As long as she told herself that he didn't deserve masses of people mourning for his loss, she'd be okay. Better to be angry than to be sad. And any, he was a murderer, he fit into the archetypal 'evil' persona. Nobody should be allowed to mourn for somebody like that.
***
Of course, she carried on with her life. She had to, she had no choice and it wasn't in her nature to just give up because things were looking a little tough. As far as Lisbon was concerned, she had a public image to uphold and as long as she looked strong on the outside, she was strong on the inside too.
She could have wished that things were different, that Jane had chosen her over Red John. But what was the point? That kind of thing belonged in fairytales, in Disney movies. In real life, there was no such thing as a happily ever after. At most, and if you were very lucky, you might be able to experience such a thing as making do with a tolerable existence. And that was only at very best. Something which she wasn't lucky enough to have, of course.
After all, how often, really, did wishes come true?
end