Reply to "Side trip masturbation"
*sigh* LiveJournal annoys me in some ways. Needs a better commenting vs post mechanism... because sometimes comments require enough length that they might as well be warranted as blog posts themselves. Anyways, this post reflects my reply to sharon_masters' post " Side trip masturbation". You might want to read it before trying to digest the rest of this...
I smile at your metaphor of restaurants, menus, and salad bars. When I meet a potential (sex) partner, there is as much discussion of what we're "into" as might go into BDSM negotiation. I almost always start my list with the caveat "bear in mind this is a menu, not a checklist." I do that partly because people will fear such a long list, or perhaps there are specific items they don't enjoy, and I like to be clear that while I personally enjoy them I understand that they are not everyone's cup of tea (bag). Conversely, I've had a few say things like "you know, there is this one thing I've always wanted to try but my partners have always said no..." and I'm delighted when it's something on my list. :) And sometimes I actually wind up adding things to my menu. :D
Where masturbation is concerned, I treat it mostly as a solitary pleasure. When I consider why, I think there are two key factors for me. First, I tend to be very visual and mental about climax. I don't need to be watching porn to do it, but can easily create full scenes in my head and swim through them... even for hours, if I'm feeling really indulgent. But these kinds of scenarios are difficult to share with a partner and have a shared experience.
Which leads me to the second factor, which is sexual satisfaction. If I'm getting enough of the right kind of fulfillment, then I actually tend not to masturbate all that much. And if I'm involving a partner in manual genital stimulation, then I don't really consider it masturbation. Though there have been times when, if I wasn't sufficiently satisfied in a sexual situation I will masturbate soon after on my own.
I think everyone instinctively knows everyone else masturbates. Perhaps we don't write about it more because we feel that we are filling some void that we don't want to admit we have, or we are ashamed that despite feeling fulfilled by our partners that there are still some needs not being met...?
As for the matter of exhibition and voyeurism, I feel too disconnected from my partner if they are simply there pleasuring themselves -- I might as well watch porn. And having others watch me isn't so much a problem, but I tend to tune them out -- in this regard, I don't consider exhibitionism to be a fetish of mine because knowing they're watching isn't what gets me off. So, for me, masturbating with an audience would still *feel* like a solitary event.
Masturbation too easily allows us to disconnect from what's around us. Something I have found particularly pleasurable and fun, especially with a new partner, sort of crosses the boundary between self-satisfaction and yet still engages the partner ... TOUCH. One of you simply lies, stands, in whatever position you like (but it should be one you're comfortable being in for a while) and the other gently caresses, touches, licks, kisses, nibbles, whatever... slowly and intimately exploring the other person's body. I find this actually exposes one's pleasures, inhibitions, and feelings about their (our) body in a way that most other acts don't... in ways that we often can't even admit to ourselves all on our lonesome.
I think the thing that makes sex more comfortable to talk about is that many people think of it in terms of their partner and not so much themselves. Masturbation can be difficult to discuss because too much of it is in our own heads. But when you inject intimacy, and the opening to another person, then we get into a totally different head space where we get to explore our own desires, motivations, fears through the eyes of another.
But you touch on another point which I think is very important. Discussing what drives us, fulfills those deepest desires and needs, can make us feel very vulnerable. This is the stuff of discussion groups and therapy sessions... places in which we feel comfortable to share because we are among similar, accepting minds and we trust that what we share won't leave those walls. These are the keys to the kingdom, to our buttons, sometimes dark and dank corners of ourselves that we haven't visited.
I am finding that as I get to know and become more comfortable with myself and my own needs, I find it much easier to talk about with others. And this gets us into the question of "what's too much information (TMI)?" Well, naturally, this will vary depending upon the audience. I tend to take the position that talking about myself is fair game for /almost/ anything -- though I do observe some limits depending upon the audience. After all, hearing someone else open up about their own stuff can sometimes spur others to ponder those questions for themselves. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of thought provoking material and really appreciated it, so I like to return the favor whenever I can.
In general, I tend to limit the detail of any act or situation to what I feel is necessary to get a point or idea across. Though I am always open to delve further into the details if the discussion goes there. "Being enveloped and dominated by him during sex really got me hot" might be enough for the basic idea, but "I got so hot when our legs were entwined, he gripped me from behind by my nipples and chewed on my neck while thrusting his fat cock into me" gives a more complete picture of the things I desired and needed but might be considered TMI for some. :D
"I would like to find out ... What being sprayed all over with cum feels like... and then wearing it for a while." Oh heavens... been there, done that, have the postcard, want to visit there again. The hottest such sex involved him shooting a massive load onto my body and some on the face, he collapses on top of me and we cuddle and writhe together in it, and we kiss and share his cum back and forth. We woke up later still holding each other like that. *sigh* Never let anyone tell you cum isn't fun. ;)
I smile at your metaphor of restaurants, menus, and salad bars. When I meet a potential (sex) partner, there is as much discussion of what we're "into" as might go into BDSM negotiation. I almost always start my list with the caveat "bear in mind this is a menu, not a checklist." I do that partly because people will fear such a long list, or perhaps there are specific items they don't enjoy, and I like to be clear that while I personally enjoy them I understand that they are not everyone's cup of tea (bag). Conversely, I've had a few say things like "you know, there is this one thing I've always wanted to try but my partners have always said no..." and I'm delighted when it's something on my list. :) And sometimes I actually wind up adding things to my menu. :D
Where masturbation is concerned, I treat it mostly as a solitary pleasure. When I consider why, I think there are two key factors for me. First, I tend to be very visual and mental about climax. I don't need to be watching porn to do it, but can easily create full scenes in my head and swim through them... even for hours, if I'm feeling really indulgent. But these kinds of scenarios are difficult to share with a partner and have a shared experience.
Which leads me to the second factor, which is sexual satisfaction. If I'm getting enough of the right kind of fulfillment, then I actually tend not to masturbate all that much. And if I'm involving a partner in manual genital stimulation, then I don't really consider it masturbation. Though there have been times when, if I wasn't sufficiently satisfied in a sexual situation I will masturbate soon after on my own.
I think everyone instinctively knows everyone else masturbates. Perhaps we don't write about it more because we feel that we are filling some void that we don't want to admit we have, or we are ashamed that despite feeling fulfilled by our partners that there are still some needs not being met...?
As for the matter of exhibition and voyeurism, I feel too disconnected from my partner if they are simply there pleasuring themselves -- I might as well watch porn. And having others watch me isn't so much a problem, but I tend to tune them out -- in this regard, I don't consider exhibitionism to be a fetish of mine because knowing they're watching isn't what gets me off. So, for me, masturbating with an audience would still *feel* like a solitary event.
Masturbation too easily allows us to disconnect from what's around us. Something I have found particularly pleasurable and fun, especially with a new partner, sort of crosses the boundary between self-satisfaction and yet still engages the partner ... TOUCH. One of you simply lies, stands, in whatever position you like (but it should be one you're comfortable being in for a while) and the other gently caresses, touches, licks, kisses, nibbles, whatever... slowly and intimately exploring the other person's body. I find this actually exposes one's pleasures, inhibitions, and feelings about their (our) body in a way that most other acts don't... in ways that we often can't even admit to ourselves all on our lonesome.
I think the thing that makes sex more comfortable to talk about is that many people think of it in terms of their partner and not so much themselves. Masturbation can be difficult to discuss because too much of it is in our own heads. But when you inject intimacy, and the opening to another person, then we get into a totally different head space where we get to explore our own desires, motivations, fears through the eyes of another.
But you touch on another point which I think is very important. Discussing what drives us, fulfills those deepest desires and needs, can make us feel very vulnerable. This is the stuff of discussion groups and therapy sessions... places in which we feel comfortable to share because we are among similar, accepting minds and we trust that what we share won't leave those walls. These are the keys to the kingdom, to our buttons, sometimes dark and dank corners of ourselves that we haven't visited.
I am finding that as I get to know and become more comfortable with myself and my own needs, I find it much easier to talk about with others. And this gets us into the question of "what's too much information (TMI)?" Well, naturally, this will vary depending upon the audience. I tend to take the position that talking about myself is fair game for /almost/ anything -- though I do observe some limits depending upon the audience. After all, hearing someone else open up about their own stuff can sometimes spur others to ponder those questions for themselves. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of thought provoking material and really appreciated it, so I like to return the favor whenever I can.
In general, I tend to limit the detail of any act or situation to what I feel is necessary to get a point or idea across. Though I am always open to delve further into the details if the discussion goes there. "Being enveloped and dominated by him during sex really got me hot" might be enough for the basic idea, but "I got so hot when our legs were entwined, he gripped me from behind by my nipples and chewed on my neck while thrusting his fat cock into me" gives a more complete picture of the things I desired and needed but might be considered TMI for some. :D
"I would like to find out ... What being sprayed all over with cum feels like... and then wearing it for a while." Oh heavens... been there, done that, have the postcard, want to visit there again. The hottest such sex involved him shooting a massive load onto my body and some on the face, he collapses on top of me and we cuddle and writhe together in it, and we kiss and share his cum back and forth. We woke up later still holding each other like that. *sigh* Never let anyone tell you cum isn't fun. ;)