It's a (Bubble) Wrap
After the odd sort of IM conversation I had with Mike -- more like email than IM since we weren't online at the same times -- regarding when to set aside time to talk, I was a little surprised when he started messaging me during work hours. I thought we'd agreed that this would be too much to visit until after work. Anyway, we worked out that we would talk Monday evening at 7:30. I had really wanted to do it on the phone, but he suggested that this might be difficult for him and preferred to do it over IM. I was OK with that and went about my business for the day.
After getting home and having some dinner I made a few phone calls to catch up with folks. I called mom to follow up on a few emails she'd sent out during the day -- making plans for the meetings when she's out here next week -- and we talked about that for a while. But my head was already thinking forward to the conversation I was going to have with Mike. Mom sensed this -- we have a strong emotional connection -- and I avoided it at first. I knew that talking about this would stir up a lot of stuff for her too. Family history is like that.
I recapped the events of Saturday and Sunday... this became more automatic for me now that I'd gotten past some of the immediate emotional issues that welled up while it was happening. And I didn't have to be sitting with her to see and feel her reaction as I walked through it. So I wound up digging in deeper about what I was feeling, the situations from our family's past that it reminded me of, the feelings I had and the reactions it caused. And I shared with her the conversations with friends afterward that helped me so much -- not so much to tell me what was what, but rather to hear what I was saying and to reflect back to me and be there to call bullshit if necessary.
What I realized in talking with mom about this particular subject is that it's probably the first time since she was dealing with these issues (in the years after the divorce) that we've actually had any time to really talk about it. Something I hadn't realized about myself, until I heard her commenting on it, is that I may be better equipped than I thought to handle this stuff. I /felt/ out of control but in reality I was making conscious decisions and having to do that while in an emotional turmoil. I reflected during the conversation that I think the introspection that my BDSM explorations have offered has likely helped in this regard. And when I view it from this perspective, Saturday was an interesting stress test for the things I've learned, and maybe hadn't even realized I learned.
And then I realized I *needed* to have this conversation before talking to Mike. And I needed to have it with mom. My friends were and are marvelous for me, but this was an experience that mom and I (and R, too) shared from our past. And being able to get some additional perspective and unexpected validation for how I handled myself was something I found really settled me emotionally before I entered into the conversation with Mike. It's the sort of thing you just can't plan. The Universe sometimes just spoon feeds us what we need when we need it.
So began my conversation with Mike. Rather than just dump the whole thing in here, I'd instead prefer to just share the major points, and do as little paraphrasing as possible.
Him: Right, well... good bye. I suck at saying good byes. If you keep talking to me, I will keep talking back. Because I don't want to let go.
Me: *hug* You take care... you've got some good friends ... Perhaps we'll cross paths again.
I say this was interesting because I had a flashback to the drive home when he said he didn't want to let go. I remembered him saying (over and over, actually, as part of the drunken rambling): "Cy likes Bill. Bill doesn't understand how much." But no matter how much either of us might have wanted it, I just couldn't imagine being able to forget this scene or where it sent me emotionally...
I had a brief IM conversation with S after all was said and done -- and I'd had a nap. During it I had another insight to my reactions that I knew I wanted to add to this postmortem.
The best part? For me? I was able to have that conversation with him and not have all of the anger and disappointment well up in me... that I could just stare it in the face and say "you're not evil, you're just a human making mistakes... but these are mistakes I don't need to make with you", and simply say good bye -- and not feel like he needed to be run over by a bus after.
It was time to say good bye. We did. It's done. Time to move on.
After getting home and having some dinner I made a few phone calls to catch up with folks. I called mom to follow up on a few emails she'd sent out during the day -- making plans for the meetings when she's out here next week -- and we talked about that for a while. But my head was already thinking forward to the conversation I was going to have with Mike. Mom sensed this -- we have a strong emotional connection -- and I avoided it at first. I knew that talking about this would stir up a lot of stuff for her too. Family history is like that.
I recapped the events of Saturday and Sunday... this became more automatic for me now that I'd gotten past some of the immediate emotional issues that welled up while it was happening. And I didn't have to be sitting with her to see and feel her reaction as I walked through it. So I wound up digging in deeper about what I was feeling, the situations from our family's past that it reminded me of, the feelings I had and the reactions it caused. And I shared with her the conversations with friends afterward that helped me so much -- not so much to tell me what was what, but rather to hear what I was saying and to reflect back to me and be there to call bullshit if necessary.
What I realized in talking with mom about this particular subject is that it's probably the first time since she was dealing with these issues (in the years after the divorce) that we've actually had any time to really talk about it. Something I hadn't realized about myself, until I heard her commenting on it, is that I may be better equipped than I thought to handle this stuff. I /felt/ out of control but in reality I was making conscious decisions and having to do that while in an emotional turmoil. I reflected during the conversation that I think the introspection that my BDSM explorations have offered has likely helped in this regard. And when I view it from this perspective, Saturday was an interesting stress test for the things I've learned, and maybe hadn't even realized I learned.
And then I realized I *needed* to have this conversation before talking to Mike. And I needed to have it with mom. My friends were and are marvelous for me, but this was an experience that mom and I (and R, too) shared from our past. And being able to get some additional perspective and unexpected validation for how I handled myself was something I found really settled me emotionally before I entered into the conversation with Mike. It's the sort of thing you just can't plan. The Universe sometimes just spoon feeds us what we need when we need it.
So began my conversation with Mike. Rather than just dump the whole thing in here, I'd instead prefer to just share the major points, and do as little paraphrasing as possible.
- Despite what happened later, I really had a nice time on Saturday, including the party. I met some really great people, had a few really inspiring conversations, ran into a few people I knew... it was a cool time. He mentioned that someone there had liked me, but I couldn't remember who they were by name -- I'm kind of crappy with names.
- Mike shared that he had time to catch up with his friends and they seemed OK with how things went down. They did mention he was OK to crash there if he'd really wanted too -- which sort of left me wondering why they didn't step in and say so at the time, but OK. He also added that he felt some self-doubt when he read the replies to my posts -- though in reading back, I don't see that anyone said anything about /him/ but rather offered their sympathies for my dealing with the /situation/, but OK -- but that he had received words of wisdom from one: "That person has no clue who I am and why should I care about someone who doesn't know me?"
- Mike mentioned that he was glad to "vent some" with his friends and added "well more frusteration than anything." I explored for myself the possibilities there and just decided not to explore the subtleties behind this. Since I knew by now what I needed to do, this would have simply been a distraction.
- I was struck somewhat that there might be frustration over my apparent ease with ending things after this one occasion. I caught this most strongly when he said, "I know, id like to try and start with a clean slate. But I dont feel that i should have to fight for it. I owned up to my mistakes. Which were bad ones yes.. (ponders) But as you pointed out, you seem to want to drop it which im fine with, Ive also learned it's not worth trying to save something that cannot be saved."
- For my part, I tried repeatedly to drill home the fact that my need to end whatever this was (after all this was only our second date, remember) had to do more with my own reaction to the situation than Mike himself. I still don't know that I successfully communicated this, since the overall tone of the conversation seemed to make me think he felt he was being punished somehow. "Anyways... if this is what you ment tying things up Bill your off the leash. I have no hard feelings and wish you only the best of wishes."
Him: Right, well... good bye. I suck at saying good byes. If you keep talking to me, I will keep talking back. Because I don't want to let go.
Me: *hug* You take care... you've got some good friends ... Perhaps we'll cross paths again.
I say this was interesting because I had a flashback to the drive home when he said he didn't want to let go. I remembered him saying (over and over, actually, as part of the drunken rambling): "Cy likes Bill. Bill doesn't understand how much." But no matter how much either of us might have wanted it, I just couldn't imagine being able to forget this scene or where it sent me emotionally...
I had a brief IM conversation with S after all was said and done -- and I'd had a nap. During it I had another insight to my reactions that I knew I wanted to add to this postmortem.
The best part? For me? I was able to have that conversation with him and not have all of the anger and disappointment well up in me... that I could just stare it in the face and say "you're not evil, you're just a human making mistakes... but these are mistakes I don't need to make with you", and simply say good bye -- and not feel like he needed to be run over by a bus after.
It was time to say good bye. We did. It's done. Time to move on.