Defense Shields Up
*sigh* I had a glimmer of joy when K called. My phone of course neglected to ring -- bad phone, I will send you away soon -- so I didn't return his call for 10 or 15 minutes. I didn't even fret that I didn't get an answer when I called back because I knew he was heading up to an event in SF and wouldn't be inclined to answer his phone.
But when i was chatting with S today she asked a question and my internal bullshit detector tripped my doubt generator. I'm starting to think he just isn't interested in having someone actually in his life. If I'm really interested in meeting someone, I *do* it... sometimes it means putting something else aside momentarily, or adjusting plans. But I do it... because it matters to me. I've told him I'm ready to do that, but I don't think it's registering.
So... I am (at least amongst the group of you who will see this) not going to draw a line in the sand or make any ultimatums of him. I am however going to draw a line in the sand for myself. I will not send any further messages or make any further calls. I will wait for him to reach out to me. If he hasn't figured out I'm serious, and don't care if he's in a grumpy mood because of work or whatever, and make plans to at least hang out then I'm done.
And, no S, it's not your fault. You just piqued the awareness, and I needed that. I've known far too many people online. Just as sex right away can kill possibilities, so can putting off important stuff like actually meeting and getting to know the other person. And what I haven't been doing is trusting myself enough to understand that my anxieties and doubts are something I should LISTEN to -- my psyche is sending me signals, and now my friends are. I'm not going to ignore that.
So... the clock is running now. I WILL honor my promise to myself. We'll see what happens.
But when i was chatting with S today she asked a question and my internal bullshit detector tripped my doubt generator. I'm starting to think he just isn't interested in having someone actually in his life. If I'm really interested in meeting someone, I *do* it... sometimes it means putting something else aside momentarily, or adjusting plans. But I do it... because it matters to me. I've told him I'm ready to do that, but I don't think it's registering.
So... I am (at least amongst the group of you who will see this) not going to draw a line in the sand or make any ultimatums of him. I am however going to draw a line in the sand for myself. I will not send any further messages or make any further calls. I will wait for him to reach out to me. If he hasn't figured out I'm serious, and don't care if he's in a grumpy mood because of work or whatever, and make plans to at least hang out then I'm done.
And, no S, it's not your fault. You just piqued the awareness, and I needed that. I've known far too many people online. Just as sex right away can kill possibilities, so can putting off important stuff like actually meeting and getting to know the other person. And what I haven't been doing is trusting myself enough to understand that my anxieties and doubts are something I should LISTEN to -- my psyche is sending me signals, and now my friends are. I'm not going to ignore that.
So... the clock is running now. I WILL honor my promise to myself. We'll see what happens.