My Needy Little Cub
In a couple of different conversations lately, this one thread keeps popping up. Last night at dinner -- yeah, she won the bet -- S asked "So, you have all this insight... so why aren't you writing about the stuff going on inside?" Of course the question was rhetorical, and she's absolutely correct.
Oh, the thread, if you were wondering, revolves around neediness, vulnerability, and the insecurities that cause us to conceal the former. Yeah, heavy stuff... and not something I'm gonna tackle all at one sitting.
One of the conversations in this area had to do with aftercare... and how important it is to some of us. I have not myself had a wide variety of play partners just yet. But I have now had enough variety to notice that each has their own style and type of aftercare -- and it was pointed out, understandably, that this is also moderated by the dom's connection to the sub. I like to be held, stroked, touched. I like to know that there is a care and connection there beyond having just been a target, and perhaps even feeling it's a kind of regenerative part of the PE. People can show this kind of care in different ways, of course, but this kind of holding and tactile stuff is what really hits my needs square on.
But the deeper part came in a conversation with S... when we touched on the subject of traumas we experience, and the walls we put up to protect ourselves. I know I have plenty of my own. The challenge, though, is that too many of these can keep you from having truly fulfilling relationships with people -- it can prevent you from opening yourself up and letting them know and experience the full you. My own insecurity (and anxiety) about my neediness inhibits me from letting myself be vulnerable. (How's that for lining them up, S?)
Having grown up in a household fraught with constant arguments, violent outbursts due to alcohol, and emotional neglect I learned to find ways to survive in my own little world. I found it very difficult growing up to expose myself, and as a result I became as isolated in the outside world as I was at home. A part of this was my growing anxiety with knowing I liked boys but being afraid of talking about it with anyone, or having anyone to share it with.
I did, of course, find my solace here and there. A neighborhood boy, C, who had similar needs and we began fooling around pretty young. It was intermittent, not a real emotional relationship by any means -- I think we both had our similar home-based trauma. But it kept on from about the ages of 11 to 18. I think this set the stage for a lot of the behaviors I would later exhibit even after coming out. Wanting the release, but not really being able to show myself to them... being afraid that all that shit that was locked up inside would send them running for the hills.
Every time that I have pulled off one of these layers of "protection," I have found serious joy in it. The first significant one leaving home (for school). Just being away from the triggers and reminders felt like a huge burden lifted. About a year and a half later, I reached the point where my need to explore my being gay caused me to force the issue and make myself go to a social event that the university's gay student organization held each week. I still remember stepping through that door, into a house full of 30 or 40 people. And within 30 seconds, two people who knew me came up and made me feel part of the family. I knew even in that infinitesimal moment that I was "home."
Of course, this was just one part... and over time being out really didn't pull all the curtains back. I still practiced serial monogamy, sometimes mixed with just pure prowling for sex (esp in my 20's). The next big revelation for me has been BDSM. I can't say with certainty where this point in my journey will take me... I haven't arrived there yet! I feel that it is helping me to get more into touch with some very basic drivers in my life... forcing me to examine how it is that pain and catharsis and power exchange fulfill me... forcing me to be honest, clear, and upfront with others (e.g. negotiation) about what it is I want, don't want, and what I'm really there for.
There is a situation I have shared several times in dicussion and I think is directly related to this thread. After one early play session, when R and myself were doing aftercare and chatting, I remember saying, "I feel the possibility..." I didn't complete the thought, and I think in that moment I didn't have to. I was staring right into R's eyes and I /felt/ it more than thought it. Typing this now, I feel it just as strongly (and keeping the tissues nearby). Knowing myself, how I reached the point where I finally decided to make the leap and come out, I know the time is coming where I will creak open this new door and let the needy little cub free.
The question I ponder is "free the cub into what?" I believe the answer will be into the arms of someone who's willing and worthy to care for it... me. By no means will this be one sided, as I bring lots of things to the table. But there is a huge vulnerability that I need to explore and what I'm most aware of now is that I can't explore it alone. My need... such as it is now... is for a companion to help me take this journey. I don't know if it will be just one person or a whole village... but I know that in order to take it I'm going to have to burn a few curtains, demolish walls, and let others see the squishy bits inside.
Which of course brings to mind K. Depending upon whether he reads this first or I get a chance to introduce him to it myself may well determine if HE runs for the hills. So far it seems like we're connecting, but I guess I just have to stay open, feel the possibilities, and see where the road leads. It's scary. I've heard S say many times that "time is short," and I guess I get a sense of that now... what happens if this one doesn't work out. My optimist says, well then that's what needed to happen and more will come later when maybe you're better prepared for it. But the chance that it might not means that I also want to make the most of whatever opportunity exists now... not out of desperation, but rather to not let potential joy slip away because I'm afraid it might not work.
So there you are. I don't know how much more of this will pour out or when it will happen. But I think this sets the stage for a lot of what I /think/ I will be dealing with in the forseeable future. Yes, there will be play. Yes, there will be frolic. (There had been damned well be!) But running through it all is going to be this exploration. So far the people I have had the joy and pleasure to know have made the beginning of this journey a positive, supportive one. I hope that I continue to be so blessed as time goes on.
[Forgot this part in the swarm of stuff that floated around in my head as I wrote]
Another poignant moment I wanted to share was just a small thing that happened during a SMS chat with K this morning. One of those little things that hits a nerve, and I suspect may have been the catalyst for me taking some time to post this today rather than putting it off for my usual quiet time at night.
Me: Knee is getting better but still stiff.
Him: Can I slide my hand down your shorts to massage it?
Me: Sure, while I rub aloe into your skin. :)
Me: Caring for one another like that appeals to me. :-*
...
Me: but most of all, I want to know the man behind the muse :)
Him: Awe, SWEET TROLLUP
Me: How'd you get the nick [redacted] by the way? :)
Him: Stupid story. i will tell you in bed.
Me: mmmmm that sounds wonderful
Him: I promis
Me: :D
Me: No need for promises... Just delivery
Me: I'm already in full giddy possibility mode :)
...
Me: I about melted when I heard your voice on the [voicemail] greeting. I was a bit flustered when I left the msg.
...
Him: I have a dorky voice.
Me: Not from what I heard on the greeting. :) maybe it just sounds that way from the inside? Or maybe I just like dorky. But who cares when my needy little beast melts when it hears it? :)
Him: 8:o)
Me: *cuddles up close and lays his head on your chest*
...
Him: [...] Lets take a ride to the coast and watch the sunset soon!
Me: I like the way you think :) and leave the blanket at home. keep each other warm :)
*sigh*... I want to just swim in him...
Oh, the thread, if you were wondering, revolves around neediness, vulnerability, and the insecurities that cause us to conceal the former. Yeah, heavy stuff... and not something I'm gonna tackle all at one sitting.
One of the conversations in this area had to do with aftercare... and how important it is to some of us. I have not myself had a wide variety of play partners just yet. But I have now had enough variety to notice that each has their own style and type of aftercare -- and it was pointed out, understandably, that this is also moderated by the dom's connection to the sub. I like to be held, stroked, touched. I like to know that there is a care and connection there beyond having just been a target, and perhaps even feeling it's a kind of regenerative part of the PE. People can show this kind of care in different ways, of course, but this kind of holding and tactile stuff is what really hits my needs square on.
But the deeper part came in a conversation with S... when we touched on the subject of traumas we experience, and the walls we put up to protect ourselves. I know I have plenty of my own. The challenge, though, is that too many of these can keep you from having truly fulfilling relationships with people -- it can prevent you from opening yourself up and letting them know and experience the full you. My own insecurity (and anxiety) about my neediness inhibits me from letting myself be vulnerable. (How's that for lining them up, S?)
Having grown up in a household fraught with constant arguments, violent outbursts due to alcohol, and emotional neglect I learned to find ways to survive in my own little world. I found it very difficult growing up to expose myself, and as a result I became as isolated in the outside world as I was at home. A part of this was my growing anxiety with knowing I liked boys but being afraid of talking about it with anyone, or having anyone to share it with.
I did, of course, find my solace here and there. A neighborhood boy, C, who had similar needs and we began fooling around pretty young. It was intermittent, not a real emotional relationship by any means -- I think we both had our similar home-based trauma. But it kept on from about the ages of 11 to 18. I think this set the stage for a lot of the behaviors I would later exhibit even after coming out. Wanting the release, but not really being able to show myself to them... being afraid that all that shit that was locked up inside would send them running for the hills.
Every time that I have pulled off one of these layers of "protection," I have found serious joy in it. The first significant one leaving home (for school). Just being away from the triggers and reminders felt like a huge burden lifted. About a year and a half later, I reached the point where my need to explore my being gay caused me to force the issue and make myself go to a social event that the university's gay student organization held each week. I still remember stepping through that door, into a house full of 30 or 40 people. And within 30 seconds, two people who knew me came up and made me feel part of the family. I knew even in that infinitesimal moment that I was "home."
Of course, this was just one part... and over time being out really didn't pull all the curtains back. I still practiced serial monogamy, sometimes mixed with just pure prowling for sex (esp in my 20's). The next big revelation for me has been BDSM. I can't say with certainty where this point in my journey will take me... I haven't arrived there yet! I feel that it is helping me to get more into touch with some very basic drivers in my life... forcing me to examine how it is that pain and catharsis and power exchange fulfill me... forcing me to be honest, clear, and upfront with others (e.g. negotiation) about what it is I want, don't want, and what I'm really there for.
There is a situation I have shared several times in dicussion and I think is directly related to this thread. After one early play session, when R and myself were doing aftercare and chatting, I remember saying, "I feel the possibility..." I didn't complete the thought, and I think in that moment I didn't have to. I was staring right into R's eyes and I /felt/ it more than thought it. Typing this now, I feel it just as strongly (and keeping the tissues nearby). Knowing myself, how I reached the point where I finally decided to make the leap and come out, I know the time is coming where I will creak open this new door and let the needy little cub free.
The question I ponder is "free the cub into what?" I believe the answer will be into the arms of someone who's willing and worthy to care for it... me. By no means will this be one sided, as I bring lots of things to the table. But there is a huge vulnerability that I need to explore and what I'm most aware of now is that I can't explore it alone. My need... such as it is now... is for a companion to help me take this journey. I don't know if it will be just one person or a whole village... but I know that in order to take it I'm going to have to burn a few curtains, demolish walls, and let others see the squishy bits inside.
Which of course brings to mind K. Depending upon whether he reads this first or I get a chance to introduce him to it myself may well determine if HE runs for the hills. So far it seems like we're connecting, but I guess I just have to stay open, feel the possibilities, and see where the road leads. It's scary. I've heard S say many times that "time is short," and I guess I get a sense of that now... what happens if this one doesn't work out. My optimist says, well then that's what needed to happen and more will come later when maybe you're better prepared for it. But the chance that it might not means that I also want to make the most of whatever opportunity exists now... not out of desperation, but rather to not let potential joy slip away because I'm afraid it might not work.
So there you are. I don't know how much more of this will pour out or when it will happen. But I think this sets the stage for a lot of what I /think/ I will be dealing with in the forseeable future. Yes, there will be play. Yes, there will be frolic. (There had been damned well be!) But running through it all is going to be this exploration. So far the people I have had the joy and pleasure to know have made the beginning of this journey a positive, supportive one. I hope that I continue to be so blessed as time goes on.
[Forgot this part in the swarm of stuff that floated around in my head as I wrote]
Another poignant moment I wanted to share was just a small thing that happened during a SMS chat with K this morning. One of those little things that hits a nerve, and I suspect may have been the catalyst for me taking some time to post this today rather than putting it off for my usual quiet time at night.
Me: Knee is getting better but still stiff.
Him: Can I slide my hand down your shorts to massage it?
Me: Sure, while I rub aloe into your skin. :)
Me: Caring for one another like that appeals to me. :-*
...
Me: but most of all, I want to know the man behind the muse :)
Him: Awe, SWEET TROLLUP
Me: How'd you get the nick [redacted] by the way? :)
Him: Stupid story. i will tell you in bed.
Me: mmmmm that sounds wonderful
Him: I promis
Me: :D
Me: No need for promises... Just delivery
Me: I'm already in full giddy possibility mode :)
...
Me: I about melted when I heard your voice on the [voicemail] greeting. I was a bit flustered when I left the msg.
...
Him: I have a dorky voice.
Me: Not from what I heard on the greeting. :) maybe it just sounds that way from the inside? Or maybe I just like dorky. But who cares when my needy little beast melts when it hears it? :)
Him: 8:o)
Me: *cuddles up close and lays his head on your chest*
...
Him: [...] Lets take a ride to the coast and watch the sunset soon!
Me: I like the way you think :) and leave the blanket at home. keep each other warm :)
*sigh*... I want to just swim in him...