I don't type on my journal very often
But I find that if I do facebook notes, it just gets me in trouble or when things normalize THEN people start to care or do things/say things. Its rather lame.
Alright...Here goes. For the last few months I've been seeing a girl. Back in December, we got close as friends and I had planned on graduating, finding work, and doing life as usual. Part of my life as usual was to begin my conversion to Orthodox Judaism. I had timed it so that school wouldn't be in my way, and, I could have the proper flexibility necessary for the situation. When I didn't pass Anthro 301(by a lame technicality), and, had to take another semester at SDSU it gave me a huge amount of unplanned for expense, stress, etc.
As time went on in January, I started seeing her inner beauty as a person and I made a move on her which led to the start of where I'm at right now. However, she's a very religious Orthodox Jew....and that means that she is constantly assaulted by waves of guilt about dating me(a non-Jew as far as religious communities are concerned, because of religious law). Our relationship failed 2 times because of this but we got back together within 24-72 hours of the moments in question. Last night might've been time #3 but I'm not sure.
When she's not having moments of tremendous "what am I doing??" guilt, we were a happy couple and very close together. After the first 2 splits, we came to the understanding that it goes nowhere if I don't convert(which I hadn't done yet bc of school). So...I kicked things up but the Rabbi closest to me has been lagging and generally maintained a distance. I know he doesn't want me to do it, but, I'm going to despite this. I'm fully kosher, I keep the Sabbath, etc. etc. etc. I even have a beard!!!
I went to Thousand Oaks on Monday to visit the family and friends whom I either missed the first trip in May or haven't seen in a longer while. It was hard to maintain my new religious lifestyle. My family wasn't very supportive; often it was ignorant commentary or questions of practical relevance of elements of what I was doing. The additional pressures of living a very strictly guided lifestyle, along with the pressures every post-degree graduate has, was hellish. Basically, I couldn't function on a normal level, and, my limited financial scope made eating regularly 3 meals a day of actual food difficult.
My friends didn't understand the new me either, though I expected that one a lot more because the various diverse backgrounds of people I know include Mormons, staunch atheists, etc. and theres no major religious Jewish community up in TO(they all go to the Valley or real LA). At times it was difficult because when I was dying of hunger at Universal Studios, they insisted on getting me food and were appalled by my refusal bc of the lack of kosherness to it.
When I came back Friday night, I got in just in time for Shabbat after sitting in a 5 hour long journey by car. I had a good time with the people there, but, I felt sort of out of place because of how late I was running when I arrived. Saturday however was another story. I woke up feeling disconnected and I had a weird dream about my gf and I making out in her house and then her ex-boss came by, saw us, went and got the police, and they chased me so I had to run. Yeah......and the other day while I was in TO, I had this dream that I had died a particularly violent death....Why? Well..Someone said something about "stupid Jews" so I yelled at him(it was a cholo; gangster mexican) and he tried to stab me, so, I blocked with a pillow but he got me across the head with a shotgun and aimed at my head while I was prone. Needless to say, I had a messy end to which I could only respond "thats not cool man, I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish"...and hen they hid my body in my car and pushed it into Mission Bay. Gruesome huh?
What else is on my mind you ask? Well....Two friends from my community told me they've heard(but won't name names) that people believe that I'm not serious about my conversion. Its rather disheartening and despite debating in my defense, it wasn't til I started yelling at them and dropping F-bombs and stuff that they gave me any modicum of leeway. I ranted about how far I've gotten, on my own effort, and that if I asn't serious I wouldn't bother to do anything. I think it took clarifying and they probably still don't believe me. Oh well..
Last night a friend had a party..He says it was #4 straight party that he had. When we got there, he was stoned out of his fucking mind and sporting new ear piercings and 2 tattoos. His party was full of minors, and, he was behaving very immaturely and wildly. It was enough to where this morning he mentioned that he no longer is living at the place he was at, and, its clear that he messed up somehow but won't take responsibility for it. I spoke to a mutual friend and confidant about the whole thing and my concerns for him, and, the person told me that we can only do so much but if he is going to hurt others or himself, to call the police and leave it at that.
Overall, I'm just not having a good time with this whole being depressed thing...I'm starting to collapse as a person and I need to start rebuilding who I am. What I'm doing isn't going to get far if I don't take care of my other shit...Ironically enough, I'd advise the same to the guy from the story of last night..I actually tried but he wouldn't hear it. Either he's manic or he's on coke right now.
Alright...Here goes. For the last few months I've been seeing a girl. Back in December, we got close as friends and I had planned on graduating, finding work, and doing life as usual. Part of my life as usual was to begin my conversion to Orthodox Judaism. I had timed it so that school wouldn't be in my way, and, I could have the proper flexibility necessary for the situation. When I didn't pass Anthro 301(by a lame technicality), and, had to take another semester at SDSU it gave me a huge amount of unplanned for expense, stress, etc.
As time went on in January, I started seeing her inner beauty as a person and I made a move on her which led to the start of where I'm at right now. However, she's a very religious Orthodox Jew....and that means that she is constantly assaulted by waves of guilt about dating me(a non-Jew as far as religious communities are concerned, because of religious law). Our relationship failed 2 times because of this but we got back together within 24-72 hours of the moments in question. Last night might've been time #3 but I'm not sure.
When she's not having moments of tremendous "what am I doing??" guilt, we were a happy couple and very close together. After the first 2 splits, we came to the understanding that it goes nowhere if I don't convert(which I hadn't done yet bc of school). So...I kicked things up but the Rabbi closest to me has been lagging and generally maintained a distance. I know he doesn't want me to do it, but, I'm going to despite this. I'm fully kosher, I keep the Sabbath, etc. etc. etc. I even have a beard!!!
I went to Thousand Oaks on Monday to visit the family and friends whom I either missed the first trip in May or haven't seen in a longer while. It was hard to maintain my new religious lifestyle. My family wasn't very supportive; often it was ignorant commentary or questions of practical relevance of elements of what I was doing. The additional pressures of living a very strictly guided lifestyle, along with the pressures every post-degree graduate has, was hellish. Basically, I couldn't function on a normal level, and, my limited financial scope made eating regularly 3 meals a day of actual food difficult.
My friends didn't understand the new me either, though I expected that one a lot more because the various diverse backgrounds of people I know include Mormons, staunch atheists, etc. and theres no major religious Jewish community up in TO(they all go to the Valley or real LA). At times it was difficult because when I was dying of hunger at Universal Studios, they insisted on getting me food and were appalled by my refusal bc of the lack of kosherness to it.
When I came back Friday night, I got in just in time for Shabbat after sitting in a 5 hour long journey by car. I had a good time with the people there, but, I felt sort of out of place because of how late I was running when I arrived. Saturday however was another story. I woke up feeling disconnected and I had a weird dream about my gf and I making out in her house and then her ex-boss came by, saw us, went and got the police, and they chased me so I had to run. Yeah......and the other day while I was in TO, I had this dream that I had died a particularly violent death....Why? Well..Someone said something about "stupid Jews" so I yelled at him(it was a cholo; gangster mexican) and he tried to stab me, so, I blocked with a pillow but he got me across the head with a shotgun and aimed at my head while I was prone. Needless to say, I had a messy end to which I could only respond "thats not cool man, I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish"...and hen they hid my body in my car and pushed it into Mission Bay. Gruesome huh?
What else is on my mind you ask? Well....Two friends from my community told me they've heard(but won't name names) that people believe that I'm not serious about my conversion. Its rather disheartening and despite debating in my defense, it wasn't til I started yelling at them and dropping F-bombs and stuff that they gave me any modicum of leeway. I ranted about how far I've gotten, on my own effort, and that if I asn't serious I wouldn't bother to do anything. I think it took clarifying and they probably still don't believe me. Oh well..
Last night a friend had a party..He says it was #4 straight party that he had. When we got there, he was stoned out of his fucking mind and sporting new ear piercings and 2 tattoos. His party was full of minors, and, he was behaving very immaturely and wildly. It was enough to where this morning he mentioned that he no longer is living at the place he was at, and, its clear that he messed up somehow but won't take responsibility for it. I spoke to a mutual friend and confidant about the whole thing and my concerns for him, and, the person told me that we can only do so much but if he is going to hurt others or himself, to call the police and leave it at that.
Overall, I'm just not having a good time with this whole being depressed thing...I'm starting to collapse as a person and I need to start rebuilding who I am. What I'm doing isn't going to get far if I don't take care of my other shit...Ironically enough, I'd advise the same to the guy from the story of last night..I actually tried but he wouldn't hear it. Either he's manic or he's on coke right now.