Nothing New
Well, it has been quite some time since I last put an entry in my live journal. The reason for this, is rather simple. Nothing has really happened in my life. My goals in tellin people how I feel are not going as well as I had hoped. My cowardice has proven itself superior yet again. I am at a loss. I have given up on a couple of my goals, and I'm not trying to depress anyone... not like anyone really reads my live journal anyways. But, it is the truth. I've given up on a few things. It hurts, becuase I wanted things to happen.... I wanted to say things, but I never will. I just hope certain people know that I will in fact always be with them even when I am not physically around. I have also come to the conclusion that I am to be alone for a while. Maybe not forever, but I am to be alone for at least quite some time. It seems that every romantic endevor I wish to persue gets thwarted by some sort of variable that I have absolutely no control of. I have realized that I cannot make people love me, and it is senseless to keep on my persuit if there is nothing I shall get in return. Saying these things hurt me, but actually now believing them hurts even more.
On another note, I miss my tuba, and I miss my music. I feel as if I should go back into composition, but I doubt I am good enough to get into any music school again. I suppose I will just have to keep on my journey here at Cal U. Though I may be happier going back to Music School. It is very hard for me to honestly say, but I miss music. I miss Duquesne, and I miss doing what I loved so much. Why did I leave many of you will ask. Well, I left greatly becuase I was afraid. I left partially becuase of some of the emotional problems I was having, and I left because I didn't want to deal with watching someone I cared greatly about leave. Therefore yet again I let my cowardice get the best of me and I ran. I realize now that I actually miss it. Two years later.... a bit late don't you think? Oh well, I couldn't play myself out of a card board box anymore. Just as well I suppose. My heart still beckons to the music though. It gets very horrible sometimes, becuase I know I could have been a great musician. Bringing joy to those that listened to my pieces. Never put a dream on the back burner.... for any reason. You will regret it later people.
Enough of my depressive philosophical rants.... sorry if I depressed anyone that reads this. It was not my intention.
On another note, I miss my tuba, and I miss my music. I feel as if I should go back into composition, but I doubt I am good enough to get into any music school again. I suppose I will just have to keep on my journey here at Cal U. Though I may be happier going back to Music School. It is very hard for me to honestly say, but I miss music. I miss Duquesne, and I miss doing what I loved so much. Why did I leave many of you will ask. Well, I left greatly becuase I was afraid. I left partially becuase of some of the emotional problems I was having, and I left because I didn't want to deal with watching someone I cared greatly about leave. Therefore yet again I let my cowardice get the best of me and I ran. I realize now that I actually miss it. Two years later.... a bit late don't you think? Oh well, I couldn't play myself out of a card board box anymore. Just as well I suppose. My heart still beckons to the music though. It gets very horrible sometimes, becuase I know I could have been a great musician. Bringing joy to those that listened to my pieces. Never put a dream on the back burner.... for any reason. You will regret it later people.
Enough of my depressive philosophical rants.... sorry if I depressed anyone that reads this. It was not my intention.