Sob fest 2006
I never know how to start off an entry. Things have been the same lately. Working and just hanging around. I did however get a tattoo on Sat. It's my second one and I got my first one about 4 years ago so I thought it was time. It means a lot of things to me. It represents how broken I am. How I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I don't have any specific reasons. I've been cheated on but when I think about it, I couldn't trust anyone before that. Getting cheated on is a horrible thing and I feel sorry for anyone who has to go through it. Then again, I don't know if it was the actual cheating or being lied to directly to your face. It still hurts when I think about it. My tattoo also represents the loss of Chris. He was my first serious bf and when he died it definitely broke my heart. I miss him more and more every day. It was amazing how we could be friends after long periods of not talking at all. Now I won't get that chance to catch up w/ him. I won't hear his opinions about everything. I won't get to go to another Warped Tour w/ him. I am so greatful that I got to see a side of him that probably Justin didn't get to see. A side only a girlfriend gets to see. I am sadden that there is another side that I will never get to see that Justin did. I miss him. We all miss him. I always thought that going to Jason's funeral was the hardest thing I've done. Then my grandfather died. Then Chris. I honestly don't know how I can handle another person close to me dying. Hopefully, we all live long wonderful lives. Then I will be ready.
I wish I could explain my actions. I wish I could justify my wrongdoings. I wish I could take things back. I wish I could do things differently. I am filled w/ regret. I know I need help. I know I need to talk to someone but when you don't have enough money and you don't even have health insurance that becomes a problem. I feel so lost. I have no idea what I want to do w/ my life and I feel it slipping away from me. It feels like that dream of starting a real life and making something of myself is getting further and further away from me. I feel inadaquet. I don't think I am capable of doing anything. I don't ask for much. I just want a good job and a good life. I don't want to get married and I don't want kids. I feel like these are things I am not capable of doing. I can barely maintain a relationship w/ someone right now.
I don't care if ppl judge me. No one knows how I truly feel. You can sit there and form an opinion of me all you want but w/out talking to me, w/out asking me, w/out being inside my head, your opinion will be wrong. I have enough issues going on w/ me that I don't even know what to think of myself. I've heard enough complaints, enough put downs (even if you're joking), enough harsh words, enough drama, that I feel weak and worn down. You may think that your words are innocent but they're not. Every little thing I will take personally. I say I don't care but maybe I really do. I'm sure I speak for a lot of ppl. I'm sure that this rings true for many of you. This is not directed towards any one person. I will say this, I am my own worst enemy. No one will ever do the damage that I have done to myself. I have the scars physically and emotionally to prove it. There is not one person out there that I can say I hate. The only person that I hate is myself and it is all my fault.
EDIT
So the question has been asked 'Why do I hate you' and as I sit here and think about it I realize it's not you that I hate. I hate myself. I will never be good enough. I will never be as smart as you. I will never be as pretty as you. I will never be as successful as you. Whether these things are true or not this is what I believe. I will never compete. You can say this isn't a competition but when he told me awhile back that he compared me to you then it became one. There are things that have happened in the past that have made me think you were against me. Whether that was truly the intention I really don't care any more. It's not about you any more. It's completely about me and my fucked up head. It's just a matter of time before he sees me through my eyes and realize that there are better things out there and he's already had these better things. I don't even know if you read this but there it is. It's not as simple as I hate you or I'm jealous. It goes way beyond that and it's been going on for years. I will, however, apologize. My issues and my extreme insecurities has affected someone else other than myself and that was not my intention. My only intention was to prevent myself from getting hurt.
I wish I could explain my actions. I wish I could justify my wrongdoings. I wish I could take things back. I wish I could do things differently. I am filled w/ regret. I know I need help. I know I need to talk to someone but when you don't have enough money and you don't even have health insurance that becomes a problem. I feel so lost. I have no idea what I want to do w/ my life and I feel it slipping away from me. It feels like that dream of starting a real life and making something of myself is getting further and further away from me. I feel inadaquet. I don't think I am capable of doing anything. I don't ask for much. I just want a good job and a good life. I don't want to get married and I don't want kids. I feel like these are things I am not capable of doing. I can barely maintain a relationship w/ someone right now.
I don't care if ppl judge me. No one knows how I truly feel. You can sit there and form an opinion of me all you want but w/out talking to me, w/out asking me, w/out being inside my head, your opinion will be wrong. I have enough issues going on w/ me that I don't even know what to think of myself. I've heard enough complaints, enough put downs (even if you're joking), enough harsh words, enough drama, that I feel weak and worn down. You may think that your words are innocent but they're not. Every little thing I will take personally. I say I don't care but maybe I really do. I'm sure I speak for a lot of ppl. I'm sure that this rings true for many of you. This is not directed towards any one person. I will say this, I am my own worst enemy. No one will ever do the damage that I have done to myself. I have the scars physically and emotionally to prove it. There is not one person out there that I can say I hate. The only person that I hate is myself and it is all my fault.
EDIT
So the question has been asked 'Why do I hate you' and as I sit here and think about it I realize it's not you that I hate. I hate myself. I will never be good enough. I will never be as smart as you. I will never be as pretty as you. I will never be as successful as you. Whether these things are true or not this is what I believe. I will never compete. You can say this isn't a competition but when he told me awhile back that he compared me to you then it became one. There are things that have happened in the past that have made me think you were against me. Whether that was truly the intention I really don't care any more. It's not about you any more. It's completely about me and my fucked up head. It's just a matter of time before he sees me through my eyes and realize that there are better things out there and he's already had these better things. I don't even know if you read this but there it is. It's not as simple as I hate you or I'm jealous. It goes way beyond that and it's been going on for years. I will, however, apologize. My issues and my extreme insecurities has affected someone else other than myself and that was not my intention. My only intention was to prevent myself from getting hurt.