-Sighs.- Time to get some things off of my chest...
…Nothing lasts forever…. The three words I have been telling myself for a while now, and for quite some time. It is so true, and so important for myself to remember this. Nothing does last forever, people die, emotions change, friends split apart, loved ones leave, and nothing can be changed.
Over the past few weeks now I really haven’t been able to get a good night sleep. Always when I go lay down, and try to sleep, thoughts flood my head. Many out comes, different events that could happen and have happened, different things like my emotions, my thoughts, my stories. Everything just gets so… jumbled up in my head it is not even funny… sometimes I just want to scream… scream and just give up on everything….
Alanna and I have been doing good it’s almost our 7 months of being together, and who knew how quickly time would pass. Yet, lately I have been getting a feeling, one that I usually get before a relationship of mine breaks up. Do not get me wrong, I love Alanna very much. I haven’t been this happy in a while, though, I just can’t help get the feeling that everything isn’t as great as I might want to think they are. Sacrifices I have made… ones that I don’t mind to make, yet, I can tell it gets down into the skin of others I know, and have tried hard to earn their trust. I would love for this relationship to last, and I would love August to be here so when I can really hold her in my arms, and let her body warm mine. I am just scared, that either before, or even when August comes that something will happen, or someone will happen. Perhaps I over think things, I know when it comes down to certain problems and situation I do add a lot of thought to…. But… I just can’t do anything else. Sometimes I feel that the best thing for us would be if there wasn’t an ‘us’. I know I could live through the break up, if it ever happens. Yet, I’m not quite sure about her… I feel that I have shown her that she can be loved, and someone can devote their selves to her. I just don’t know what will happen to her, or what she would do if something ever happened. She already seems to have enough problems…. I really don’t want to add even more stress onto her already stressed out shoulder. I do not want to be the straw that breaks the Camel’s back.
Getting off that subject, sorry…. I just can’t talk about anymore, knowing that by now, I have probably have her in a worried fit. Yesterday, was going really well…. Then, someone who I had just started to trust, someone who Dameon trusted, both of us trusted this person, not only as a friend, but us a partner. And he had the balls to go and do what he did yesterday. Insulting us, and the thing me and Dameon have made sacrifices for… something we have devoted, and are even willing on spending our own money on. For what? Some kind of sick joke to him, so he could go out and have ‘fun’ with himself, causing a problem in the chat, and with other members. Who I will say, I am really ashamed of at the moment. Even though action was taken, I feel that even more should have been done. Yet, for now, as he had asked I will trust Dameon with his decision. As I have done many times before.
And as for my story, I am right now on the 11th page, on the first book out of a possible 5 book series. Last night when I was telling my mom about the book and the series, and the twists and turns I want to put on it. She seemed, and told me she was impressed and really like the story and my ideas for it. This seems to be the only good news for me all week, and probably month. For now, I feel as if I should forget everything, and continue working on my story, which I really hope to finish the first book this year at least. The only problem is… I have a very hard time concentrating long enough on anything to be able to work at the necessary speed that I need, and should be working at.
Well, that’s it for now, I really don’t know what else to say but I will end this with a quote my friend once told me, I don’t know who it was by, but I really do like it.
- {I am not driven by hatred. I am not driven by fear. I am not driven by desire, duty, or any rationale. I can no longer feel any of these. All that remains is retribution; cold, hard and final...}-
Over the past few weeks now I really haven’t been able to get a good night sleep. Always when I go lay down, and try to sleep, thoughts flood my head. Many out comes, different events that could happen and have happened, different things like my emotions, my thoughts, my stories. Everything just gets so… jumbled up in my head it is not even funny… sometimes I just want to scream… scream and just give up on everything….
Alanna and I have been doing good it’s almost our 7 months of being together, and who knew how quickly time would pass. Yet, lately I have been getting a feeling, one that I usually get before a relationship of mine breaks up. Do not get me wrong, I love Alanna very much. I haven’t been this happy in a while, though, I just can’t help get the feeling that everything isn’t as great as I might want to think they are. Sacrifices I have made… ones that I don’t mind to make, yet, I can tell it gets down into the skin of others I know, and have tried hard to earn their trust. I would love for this relationship to last, and I would love August to be here so when I can really hold her in my arms, and let her body warm mine. I am just scared, that either before, or even when August comes that something will happen, or someone will happen. Perhaps I over think things, I know when it comes down to certain problems and situation I do add a lot of thought to…. But… I just can’t do anything else. Sometimes I feel that the best thing for us would be if there wasn’t an ‘us’. I know I could live through the break up, if it ever happens. Yet, I’m not quite sure about her… I feel that I have shown her that she can be loved, and someone can devote their selves to her. I just don’t know what will happen to her, or what she would do if something ever happened. She already seems to have enough problems…. I really don’t want to add even more stress onto her already stressed out shoulder. I do not want to be the straw that breaks the Camel’s back.
Getting off that subject, sorry…. I just can’t talk about anymore, knowing that by now, I have probably have her in a worried fit. Yesterday, was going really well…. Then, someone who I had just started to trust, someone who Dameon trusted, both of us trusted this person, not only as a friend, but us a partner. And he had the balls to go and do what he did yesterday. Insulting us, and the thing me and Dameon have made sacrifices for… something we have devoted, and are even willing on spending our own money on. For what? Some kind of sick joke to him, so he could go out and have ‘fun’ with himself, causing a problem in the chat, and with other members. Who I will say, I am really ashamed of at the moment. Even though action was taken, I feel that even more should have been done. Yet, for now, as he had asked I will trust Dameon with his decision. As I have done many times before.
And as for my story, I am right now on the 11th page, on the first book out of a possible 5 book series. Last night when I was telling my mom about the book and the series, and the twists and turns I want to put on it. She seemed, and told me she was impressed and really like the story and my ideas for it. This seems to be the only good news for me all week, and probably month. For now, I feel as if I should forget everything, and continue working on my story, which I really hope to finish the first book this year at least. The only problem is… I have a very hard time concentrating long enough on anything to be able to work at the necessary speed that I need, and should be working at.
Well, that’s it for now, I really don’t know what else to say but I will end this with a quote my friend once told me, I don’t know who it was by, but I really do like it.
- {I am not driven by hatred. I am not driven by fear. I am not driven by desire, duty, or any rationale. I can no longer feel any of these. All that remains is retribution; cold, hard and final...}-