Sorry I'm being depressing. . .
I normally try and be poetic about the things I am going to say but tonight I dont feel that at all. I am really really down. I was trying to talk with Corinne this evening and I was just not hearing her at all. I think it all started this afternoon when my boss called me in to ask me some questions. She asked me if I was still interested in going to Texas and I didnt really say anything but she told me that there might be oppurtunity. I was slightly intrigued but, couldnt get away from the thoughts about my NST inteview that she had just thrown out to me not a week earlier when she told me that I wasnt accepted. She said that they (the panel that interviewed me) said my body language was bad, that I didnt sit up when they were all sitting up. They said that I didnt appear to be nervous enough which apparently is something that they want. They also pointed out that I asked about money which made them think I was in it for the raise. I wish I could tell them that I am not in it for the raise and that I wanted to be accepted so that I could try and better the company. Thats my only genuine freakin goal. Oh, they also said that I was to "by the book", if they only fuckin knew. So I am in the office with my boss and she's telling me about this possible oppurtunity and I tell her that I am "a little" discouraged with the outcome of the NST deal. She says, "OK." I then let her know that if I was to do it I would do it for myself here in the valley not necessarily with a goal to go to Texas. She was OK with that and then she says that she would really like to have me train with our Environmental Tech and really learn that program in and out. The person thats going to go to Texas is going to have to be a "jack of all trades." Well a lttle history, I applied to that job when it was open and with two years of experience under my belt I was turned down and about six months later I was asked to be the back-up to the program. I have always felt that if I wasnt good enough to be the lead person on the job why would I be any good at being the back-up. Also I felt like my old boss had sabotaged me from getting that job and would have given it to anybody but me. So I see two things happening for the company, 1) they need a back-up to that position and it might be cool to have someone train that thinks they're actually going somewhere. 2) reagardless of what happens with Texas they get what they want. So the more that I stewed on all of this the more pissed that I got. It was like hey they really dont think that your worthy of being a supervisor but they might put you in charge of an entire department. Then Corinne called and she was telling me about all of the exciting things that she's doing and it just drove home everything. I feel horrible that I have all of this in me and that I just want to cry. I have never in all of my years felt as hopeless about my future as I do right now. The last thing that I want to do is continue to work for a company that I cant move up in. I feel like I am a very genuine person but, for some reason I dont think people see me that way. I felt so bad that the group of people that interviewed me, who I have to see daily, think bad things about me. I want nothing but the best for the comapny and I would stop at nothing to give them my best. Shit, I have given them my best. But maybe all of this is just a test to see how much shit I can eat. Maybe its just pain stacked on top of pain. Rejection is the worst thing but, public rejection is really bad. The funny thing is that when I was new to the company I remember one of the guys applying for a supervisor position and he did the same thing I did and asked about salary. I remember one of the other guys saying that he would never get anywhere because of that. It was almost like he was getting black listed for it. I just dont know what to do right now. I am in such limbo with everything. Oh and to make matters worse this is going to be my last week with Corinne. I will be on vacation next week and she will be gone when I return. I hate my life right now.