(no subject)
So yeah I am sick today. I dont know what I have but, going off of the symptoms I think I may have a flare up of my west nile. I have some of the same back pain that generally is associated with it. Tthe good news is that my sore throat is going away and I am starting to feel better.
Things have been intense lately. I am in a relationship that has me totally confused as to what it is that I truly want. I really want to be with Corinne, I am in love with her. But, I am so completely morally conflicted with everything that we do that I cant see past it. I sit here now trying to sort out all the feelings that I have and right now everything takes on its owm logic and understanding but, when I am with her I am totally lost and can find no logic and no understanding. I think sometimes its easy for the both of us to say that were in a "commitment free" relationship and were just playing it by ear. But its hard for me not to think of the consequences of just fooling around with her. The more that I read the more that I know and the more that I know the more I realize I am playing with my entire life. But I love her and for me the trade off is fine as long as I know where were going. I told her that I have no expectations and I dont. I know what she has to give up and I know the pain that she'll put so many through. I get that. I have never asked her to leave Alex and come to me for that reason. She is a very emotional person and I know it would be very hard on her. I am also not sure if what I have to offer is what she'll desire for the long term. I have my own doubts about myself and when I think of what I would be taking on I am overwhelmed. Not scared just overwhelmed. The key fact for me is that I have this person that I love and that I want to be with but, I cant. I dont know what to do about from here, I feel helpless. Can we continue down this road if were just going to see it end in a month?? I dont know the answer, this isnt cut and dry and I know that I have to look at this thing one day at a time. There is no other way.
Something else I am going to be working on is my drinking. I have pretty much concluded that it would be in my best interest to quit drinking. Nothing positive comes of it and most of the time I end up making an ass out of myself. I dont know how I will go about it but I am going to at least try. I have been drinking since I was a kid and I went dry for several years while I was going to church. I hope I can do it. Wish me luck.
Things have been intense lately. I am in a relationship that has me totally confused as to what it is that I truly want. I really want to be with Corinne, I am in love with her. But, I am so completely morally conflicted with everything that we do that I cant see past it. I sit here now trying to sort out all the feelings that I have and right now everything takes on its owm logic and understanding but, when I am with her I am totally lost and can find no logic and no understanding. I think sometimes its easy for the both of us to say that were in a "commitment free" relationship and were just playing it by ear. But its hard for me not to think of the consequences of just fooling around with her. The more that I read the more that I know and the more that I know the more I realize I am playing with my entire life. But I love her and for me the trade off is fine as long as I know where were going. I told her that I have no expectations and I dont. I know what she has to give up and I know the pain that she'll put so many through. I get that. I have never asked her to leave Alex and come to me for that reason. She is a very emotional person and I know it would be very hard on her. I am also not sure if what I have to offer is what she'll desire for the long term. I have my own doubts about myself and when I think of what I would be taking on I am overwhelmed. Not scared just overwhelmed. The key fact for me is that I have this person that I love and that I want to be with but, I cant. I dont know what to do about from here, I feel helpless. Can we continue down this road if were just going to see it end in a month?? I dont know the answer, this isnt cut and dry and I know that I have to look at this thing one day at a time. There is no other way.
Something else I am going to be working on is my drinking. I have pretty much concluded that it would be in my best interest to quit drinking. Nothing positive comes of it and most of the time I end up making an ass out of myself. I dont know how I will go about it but I am going to at least try. I have been drinking since I was a kid and I went dry for several years while I was going to church. I hope I can do it. Wish me luck.