Jade Empire Abridged: the Conclusion
I did finish it, finally!
Previously Wu got deaded by her mentor character who was actually the Big Bad all the time, who'd have thunk it?
Wu: Hey, I'm all bluey and my hair's white.
Water Dragon: Death has come to you, but life can be regained.
Wu: I sure hope so.
Wu battles her way through a gauntlet of ghosts, though exactly what would happen if she dies while already dead isn't clear.
Water Dragon: Your master betrayed you, he is using the dragon amulet to draw upon my power. I can grant you the strength to return to life, but only if you restore the fountains of Dirge.
Wu: Is that all? Pffft, easy. Teleport me.
Abbot Song: You! I sense the mark of the Water Dragon upon you.
Wu: Yeah, I'm here to do some serious water cleansing, man.
Abbot Song: Let's have a flashback first.
Wu: Fine...
Abbot Song: ... So you see, I rescued you from certain death and then your master sworded me in the back.
Wu: But why?
Song: They came to attack the Water Dragon, here at Dirge was the gateway to her heart. They defiled her with blood.
Wu: So the Water Dragon's power can be corrupted by blood, huh? Good to know.
Wu works to purify the fountains by disbursing evil spirits that have taken root there and restoring the fountains' guardians. However she finds something dark and evil lurking in the heart of the temple.
Evil Thing: Haha, this is that one annoying fight where you have to fight your own doppelganger who is in explicably far more powerful than you!
Wu: Find, let's get it over with! Hi-yah!
Wu beats all three of her ninja clones.
Water Dragon: Thank you for restoring the temples, attempting to restore you in 3... 2... 1!
Wu: Hey I'm not bluey or white-haired anymore!
Demons: Grr! Argh!
Wu: Things never go smooth! Why can't things ever go smooth?
Wu fights the demons and hears the overhead woosh of a flyer. Sure enough it is the rest of the party, minus Zu.
Wu: Oh poor Zu, I didn't even see him in the afterlife!
Dawn Star: You're alive!
Wu: Well, duh!
Silk Fox: Like oh em gee I am so surprised! I was totally like expecting a ghost or something!
Wu: We couldn't finish the story like that, also there's an unresolved romance plot that we left dangling.
Sky: Oh hell yes!
Hen Pecked Hou: Not that I want to interrupt this lovely reunion or anything, but this is one of my only lines in the whole piece and I want to milk it as much as I can. Did you all happen to notice that the entire Imperial army is after us and half-way up the mountain!
Dawn Star: Master Li... I mean Emperor Li must have received the same vision I did.
Wu: How convenient.
Silk Fox: Like my uncle, the totally heinous bad guy, claimed the throne and the dragon amulet thing. Those Lotus Assassin guys supported him like straight away.
Wu: Good thing I don't need the dragon amulet anymore, I have come into my true power.
Dawn Star: But now the whole army is after us!
Wu: Not a problem, we can destroy them all. Go and prepare for tomorrow, I need to have a word with Sky.
Sky: This is my big scene!
Wu: Oh go on then! It's not like Zu is around anymore.
Sky: *ahem* I don't like to think of what might happen to you tomorrow, but I'm prepared to slaughter every single one of the bastards that stand between us.
Wu: Aww, wanton violence is so sweet. You didn't seem all that shocked to see me again...
Sky: Not even death could keep you from revenge, my last Spirit Monk. When the time comes you will crush Emperor Li and take his power and I will help you do it.
Wu: You think I could become Empress?
Sky: Not everyone would support such a decision, but you don't need weaklings with you. The only thing that really matters is that you made it back to me.
Wu: I had help.
Sky: And you can tell me all about it... later. I never did tell you what I wanted to say in the palace.
Wu: You mean other than dot dot dot be careful?
Sky: When I heard you were... gone, I knew I had missed my chance to tell you how I really felt. I won't miss it a second time. I'm completely arse over elbows in love with you, Wu. When you died it was like someone stuck their hand into my chest, pulled out my still beating heart and threw it into the woods.
Wu: Oh Glottis, you're so sweet!
Sky: Gimme some sugar baby!
Wu: *smooch*
Wu falls asleep and Emperor Li sends her a dream about the students at Two Rivers dying horribly.
Wu: Does he expect me to care or something? I don't get it.
Wu awakes the next morning, ready to fight an entire army.
Wu: I forgot my shoe! I tie my shoe!
Well, almost ready.
Hen Pecked Hou: Hey, you're up. Sky buggered off a few hours ago, said he was going to scout the bad guys, but he hasn't come back yet.
Dawn Star: There he is!
Sky: *limp* Sorry for being late. I went to scout them, there's mother loads of them, golems and lotus assassins.
Hou: Bad bad awful! What are we going to do?
Wu: Go destroy the bridge.
Kang the Mad: I will make the bridge go boom!
Silk Fox: I will go with you!
Dawn Star: Me too!
Black Whirlwind: I want some action too!
Sky: They are going to air drop some assassins on top of us!
Wu: That sounds rather silly.
Black Whirlwind: Haha, good fun!
Sky: I will need some explosives to rig a trap.
Wu: I'll be guarding the main part of the temple. Let's kill 'em all! Grr!
Kang: I explode the bridge!
Black Whirlwind: I kill a golem!
Sky: I pretended to betray you!
Wu: Wait, what?
Sky: The bad guys offered to resurrect my daughter, how dare they!
Wu: Considering how evil I am, I'm surprised you sided with me.
Sky: But I wuvv you, honeycakes! *drops the ceiling on some bad guys*
Death's Hand: I underestimated you Sky.
Wu: So you're apparently some dead prince bound to some evil armour? Well how about I bind you to me instead?
Death's Hand: That would be really evil of you.
Wu: Yes, it would, wouldn't it?
Dawn Star: Wait! That's a really evil thing to do!
Wu: So?
Dawn Star: If you do it, I'll never follow you.
Sky: Not willingly anyway.
Wu: I could bind all of you!
Wild Flower: T_T
Wu: ... It's not good, I can't do it. You are free to die, Prince Qin.
Dawn Star: I knew there was some shred of decency in you somewhere.
Wu: Don't push it, pinkness.
Silk Fox: Like oh my god, we have totally won here! Let's go confront my evil uncle now!
Wu: This time I'll ready for him!
The company uses the flyer to go back to the palace, taking the exact same route as before, yet meeting no extra resistance. Weird, huh?
Wu: Evil Emperor Li must be over confident.
Silk Fox: You know, if Master Li and Prince Qin are both like not buried and stuff, then what is in those tombs?
Wu: That's actually a good point, Wu investigate!
The party sees the sliced open body of the water dragon and react with shock as this is clearly wrong.
Wu: Here's the point where I choose to be good or evil. I could destroy the Water Dragon's body and return balance to the force, but run the risk of drought, or I could happily slaughter all my friendly companions and claim the power for myself!
Sky: I don't care what you do as long as I keep getting laid!
Water Dragon: Please, allow me to die, I am cut open, I bleed! It was not meant to be thus!
Wu: Okay fine, if it will stop your endless melodramatic eulogising, I will kill you very dead!
Wu throws a spear into some gear which apparently makes things explode.
Evil Emperor Li: Oh snap! But like the radiant architect, I will have my revenge upon Wu anyway. I will be as the democratic turnip and rule even without the Dragon's power!
Wu battles her way through the Emperor's minions, again, and finally confronts the Emperor in the throne room, again.
Master Li: Like the quivering baboon I will show you my ultimate power! *turns Wu into stone*
Wu: Aww, crap, this is going to be one of those battles within my own mind things. I feel like I'm Shinji or something.
Chia Ka: You are not alone, we are with you and give you are strength.
Wu: Lend me your power, party members!
Wu destroys a barrier with the help of Chai Ka.
Master Li: Like the clandestine dominatrix your struggles are amusing, but futile.
Wu: That's what she said!
Sky: I am at your side, my love!
Wu destroys another barrier.
Master Li: Fools, like the grasping grass snake the power of a god holds you!
Sagacious Zu suddenly materialises before Wu.
Wu: Zu!
Sagacious Zu: I have moved with you, hidden, trying to keep focus. I give you all that I am,
all that I was. Restore what has been corrupted.
Zu destroys the last barrier and slowly fades away.
Wu: Oh Zu, I always loved you. Farewell, my dear.
Wu breaks the statue holding her and a fleeting expression of fear quickly moves across Master Li's face.
Master Li: I see I have underestimated you and the tiresome loyalty you inspire, like the twinking vampire . Like the flatulent walrus you have truly become a spirit monk.
Wu: I had a good teacher, bitch.
Master Li: I wonder if like the yiffing fox you are an agent of the Celestial Bureaucracy, trying to restore balance like the gigolo elephant.
Wu: Pfft, I don't even pay taxes.
Master Li: Would you not consider committing suicide and plunging the Empire into a evil and stagnant future like the gullible toad just because I tell you it's a good idea?
Wu: What kind of bargain is that?
Master Li: Never mind then, let us fight one final time, like the overrated film directors.
Wu: Bring it!
Master Li: I see you have corrected the flaw in your style like the overeager badger.
Wu: Err... yeah, course I did, worked on it for hours while I was dead.
Master Li and Wu fight. It is a long gruelling battle, but in the end there can be no doubt who is the victor. Wu lands one final blow upon the man that was once her mentor and guardian.
Master Li: Once again I have underestimated you, like the arrogant fool. *falls to his knees* Perhaps, I'm a better teacher than I thought, like Mr. Garrison. *collapses*
Wu: I win! Yay!
In the events following Emperor Li's short rule and violent death, Princess Sun Lian becomes Empress.
Silk Fox: Oh Em Gee, I want to thank my agent and all my fans for voting me in. I will the best prom queen ever, I promise!
Dawn Star returns to Two Rivers and rebuilds the school and garden. There are many pink flowers.
Dawn Star: Pink goes with everything!
Black Whirlwind goes off on an adventure or twenty and returns with yet more stories of the times he got drunk and did something violent.
Black Whirlwind: And I owe it all to my best friends, my axes!
Hou successfully impregnates his wife and then starts a delivery company, or something, we don't really care about him.
Hou: Wish my wife felt the same way!
Chia Ka returns to the Heaven he came from and gives Wild Flower a parting gift: Life. She is now a perfectly normal living child instead of a demon possessed zombie thing. I guess that's an improvement.
Wild Flower: I went to school and met my new best friend, she's a pink haired girl from the future and is kind of annoying!
Kang the Mad lives up to his name and departs this dimension for a better one, because he's actually a god or something, we skipped that side quest.
Kang: I think I left something cooking in Heaven.
Wu and Sky settle down near Tien's Landing for some reason. The live happily ever after even though Sky will never come close to eclipsing Sagacious Zu in Wu's heart. But Sky is completely her bitch so he doesn't mind that much.
Wu: And if he does I punch him!
Sky: Ahh... love.
Fin.
Wu: What does that even me.... oh! Bye guys!
Previously Wu got deaded by her mentor character who was actually the Big Bad all the time, who'd have thunk it?
Wu: Hey, I'm all bluey and my hair's white.
Water Dragon: Death has come to you, but life can be regained.
Wu: I sure hope so.
Wu battles her way through a gauntlet of ghosts, though exactly what would happen if she dies while already dead isn't clear.
Water Dragon: Your master betrayed you, he is using the dragon amulet to draw upon my power. I can grant you the strength to return to life, but only if you restore the fountains of Dirge.
Wu: Is that all? Pffft, easy. Teleport me.
Abbot Song: You! I sense the mark of the Water Dragon upon you.
Wu: Yeah, I'm here to do some serious water cleansing, man.
Abbot Song: Let's have a flashback first.
Wu: Fine...
Abbot Song: ... So you see, I rescued you from certain death and then your master sworded me in the back.
Wu: But why?
Song: They came to attack the Water Dragon, here at Dirge was the gateway to her heart. They defiled her with blood.
Wu: So the Water Dragon's power can be corrupted by blood, huh? Good to know.
Wu works to purify the fountains by disbursing evil spirits that have taken root there and restoring the fountains' guardians. However she finds something dark and evil lurking in the heart of the temple.
Evil Thing: Haha, this is that one annoying fight where you have to fight your own doppelganger who is in explicably far more powerful than you!
Wu: Find, let's get it over with! Hi-yah!
Wu beats all three of her ninja clones.
Water Dragon: Thank you for restoring the temples, attempting to restore you in 3... 2... 1!
Wu: Hey I'm not bluey or white-haired anymore!
Demons: Grr! Argh!
Wu: Things never go smooth! Why can't things ever go smooth?
Wu fights the demons and hears the overhead woosh of a flyer. Sure enough it is the rest of the party, minus Zu.
Wu: Oh poor Zu, I didn't even see him in the afterlife!
Dawn Star: You're alive!
Wu: Well, duh!
Silk Fox: Like oh em gee I am so surprised! I was totally like expecting a ghost or something!
Wu: We couldn't finish the story like that, also there's an unresolved romance plot that we left dangling.
Sky: Oh hell yes!
Hen Pecked Hou: Not that I want to interrupt this lovely reunion or anything, but this is one of my only lines in the whole piece and I want to milk it as much as I can. Did you all happen to notice that the entire Imperial army is after us and half-way up the mountain!
Dawn Star: Master Li... I mean Emperor Li must have received the same vision I did.
Wu: How convenient.
Silk Fox: Like my uncle, the totally heinous bad guy, claimed the throne and the dragon amulet thing. Those Lotus Assassin guys supported him like straight away.
Wu: Good thing I don't need the dragon amulet anymore, I have come into my true power.
Dawn Star: But now the whole army is after us!
Wu: Not a problem, we can destroy them all. Go and prepare for tomorrow, I need to have a word with Sky.
Sky: This is my big scene!
Wu: Oh go on then! It's not like Zu is around anymore.
Sky: *ahem* I don't like to think of what might happen to you tomorrow, but I'm prepared to slaughter every single one of the bastards that stand between us.
Wu: Aww, wanton violence is so sweet. You didn't seem all that shocked to see me again...
Sky: Not even death could keep you from revenge, my last Spirit Monk. When the time comes you will crush Emperor Li and take his power and I will help you do it.
Wu: You think I could become Empress?
Sky: Not everyone would support such a decision, but you don't need weaklings with you. The only thing that really matters is that you made it back to me.
Wu: I had help.
Sky: And you can tell me all about it... later. I never did tell you what I wanted to say in the palace.
Wu: You mean other than dot dot dot be careful?
Sky: When I heard you were... gone, I knew I had missed my chance to tell you how I really felt. I won't miss it a second time. I'm completely arse over elbows in love with you, Wu. When you died it was like someone stuck their hand into my chest, pulled out my still beating heart and threw it into the woods.
Wu: Oh Glottis, you're so sweet!
Sky: Gimme some sugar baby!
Wu: *smooch*
Wu falls asleep and Emperor Li sends her a dream about the students at Two Rivers dying horribly.
Wu: Does he expect me to care or something? I don't get it.
Wu awakes the next morning, ready to fight an entire army.
Wu: I forgot my shoe! I tie my shoe!
Well, almost ready.
Hen Pecked Hou: Hey, you're up. Sky buggered off a few hours ago, said he was going to scout the bad guys, but he hasn't come back yet.
Dawn Star: There he is!
Sky: *limp* Sorry for being late. I went to scout them, there's mother loads of them, golems and lotus assassins.
Hou: Bad bad awful! What are we going to do?
Wu: Go destroy the bridge.
Kang the Mad: I will make the bridge go boom!
Silk Fox: I will go with you!
Dawn Star: Me too!
Black Whirlwind: I want some action too!
Sky: They are going to air drop some assassins on top of us!
Wu: That sounds rather silly.
Black Whirlwind: Haha, good fun!
Sky: I will need some explosives to rig a trap.
Wu: I'll be guarding the main part of the temple. Let's kill 'em all! Grr!
Kang: I explode the bridge!
Black Whirlwind: I kill a golem!
Sky: I pretended to betray you!
Wu: Wait, what?
Sky: The bad guys offered to resurrect my daughter, how dare they!
Wu: Considering how evil I am, I'm surprised you sided with me.
Sky: But I wuvv you, honeycakes! *drops the ceiling on some bad guys*
Death's Hand: I underestimated you Sky.
Wu: So you're apparently some dead prince bound to some evil armour? Well how about I bind you to me instead?
Death's Hand: That would be really evil of you.
Wu: Yes, it would, wouldn't it?
Dawn Star: Wait! That's a really evil thing to do!
Wu: So?
Dawn Star: If you do it, I'll never follow you.
Sky: Not willingly anyway.
Wu: I could bind all of you!
Wild Flower: T_T
Wu: ... It's not good, I can't do it. You are free to die, Prince Qin.
Dawn Star: I knew there was some shred of decency in you somewhere.
Wu: Don't push it, pinkness.
Silk Fox: Like oh my god, we have totally won here! Let's go confront my evil uncle now!
Wu: This time I'll ready for him!
The company uses the flyer to go back to the palace, taking the exact same route as before, yet meeting no extra resistance. Weird, huh?
Wu: Evil Emperor Li must be over confident.
Silk Fox: You know, if Master Li and Prince Qin are both like not buried and stuff, then what is in those tombs?
Wu: That's actually a good point, Wu investigate!
The party sees the sliced open body of the water dragon and react with shock as this is clearly wrong.
Wu: Here's the point where I choose to be good or evil. I could destroy the Water Dragon's body and return balance to the force, but run the risk of drought, or I could happily slaughter all my friendly companions and claim the power for myself!
Sky: I don't care what you do as long as I keep getting laid!
Water Dragon: Please, allow me to die, I am cut open, I bleed! It was not meant to be thus!
Wu: Okay fine, if it will stop your endless melodramatic eulogising, I will kill you very dead!
Wu throws a spear into some gear which apparently makes things explode.
Evil Emperor Li: Oh snap! But like the radiant architect, I will have my revenge upon Wu anyway. I will be as the democratic turnip and rule even without the Dragon's power!
Wu battles her way through the Emperor's minions, again, and finally confronts the Emperor in the throne room, again.
Master Li: Like the quivering baboon I will show you my ultimate power! *turns Wu into stone*
Wu: Aww, crap, this is going to be one of those battles within my own mind things. I feel like I'm Shinji or something.
Chia Ka: You are not alone, we are with you and give you are strength.
Wu: Lend me your power, party members!
Wu destroys a barrier with the help of Chai Ka.
Master Li: Like the clandestine dominatrix your struggles are amusing, but futile.
Wu: That's what she said!
Sky: I am at your side, my love!
Wu destroys another barrier.
Master Li: Fools, like the grasping grass snake the power of a god holds you!
Sagacious Zu suddenly materialises before Wu.
Wu: Zu!
Sagacious Zu: I have moved with you, hidden, trying to keep focus. I give you all that I am,
all that I was. Restore what has been corrupted.
Zu destroys the last barrier and slowly fades away.
Wu: Oh Zu, I always loved you. Farewell, my dear.
Wu breaks the statue holding her and a fleeting expression of fear quickly moves across Master Li's face.
Master Li: I see I have underestimated you and the tiresome loyalty you inspire, like the twinking vampire . Like the flatulent walrus you have truly become a spirit monk.
Wu: I had a good teacher, bitch.
Master Li: I wonder if like the yiffing fox you are an agent of the Celestial Bureaucracy, trying to restore balance like the gigolo elephant.
Wu: Pfft, I don't even pay taxes.
Master Li: Would you not consider committing suicide and plunging the Empire into a evil and stagnant future like the gullible toad just because I tell you it's a good idea?
Wu: What kind of bargain is that?
Master Li: Never mind then, let us fight one final time, like the overrated film directors.
Wu: Bring it!
Master Li: I see you have corrected the flaw in your style like the overeager badger.
Wu: Err... yeah, course I did, worked on it for hours while I was dead.
Master Li and Wu fight. It is a long gruelling battle, but in the end there can be no doubt who is the victor. Wu lands one final blow upon the man that was once her mentor and guardian.
Master Li: Once again I have underestimated you, like the arrogant fool. *falls to his knees* Perhaps, I'm a better teacher than I thought, like Mr. Garrison. *collapses*
Wu: I win! Yay!
In the events following Emperor Li's short rule and violent death, Princess Sun Lian becomes Empress.
Silk Fox: Oh Em Gee, I want to thank my agent and all my fans for voting me in. I will the best prom queen ever, I promise!
Dawn Star returns to Two Rivers and rebuilds the school and garden. There are many pink flowers.
Dawn Star: Pink goes with everything!
Black Whirlwind goes off on an adventure or twenty and returns with yet more stories of the times he got drunk and did something violent.
Black Whirlwind: And I owe it all to my best friends, my axes!
Hou successfully impregnates his wife and then starts a delivery company, or something, we don't really care about him.
Hou: Wish my wife felt the same way!
Chia Ka returns to the Heaven he came from and gives Wild Flower a parting gift: Life. She is now a perfectly normal living child instead of a demon possessed zombie thing. I guess that's an improvement.
Wild Flower: I went to school and met my new best friend, she's a pink haired girl from the future and is kind of annoying!
Kang the Mad lives up to his name and departs this dimension for a better one, because he's actually a god or something, we skipped that side quest.
Kang: I think I left something cooking in Heaven.
Wu and Sky settle down near Tien's Landing for some reason. The live happily ever after even though Sky will never come close to eclipsing Sagacious Zu in Wu's heart. But Sky is completely her bitch so he doesn't mind that much.
Wu: And if he does I punch him!
Sky: Ahh... love.
Fin.
Wu: What does that even me.... oh! Bye guys!