Wow....
I can't believe I'm doing this, updating!
Well, I had to get my thoughts down somewhere.
After a year long relationship, Lucas and I are taking a break. I don't know what to feel. While I want my freedom, I don't want to hurt him, and I am. I know what it is like to be that person listening to a song and thinking "God, I want to be loved." I know what it is like to want to be held by that person only, and what it is like to wonder what that person is doing now.
But I don't want regrets. I don't want to think "What happened if I did this?" I want to know that I was woman enough to live my life, to explore college, and take risks. It is easy to fall into what is comfortable, what makes you happy, what supports you. But sometimes you need to challenge yourself, make yourself cry, make yourself hurt. If I don't do this, I fear that I will forget pain, and never recognize beauty.
Maybe this is what needs to happen, so that I can recognize love and beauty again. It's like wearing your favorite shirt everyday, you forget what makes it so wonderful. Right now I'm going to wear something else, still have that favorite shirt to look at and reminisce about. But this will make me say "Damn, that shirt was awesome."
I came to college with eyes wide open, searching, exploring. I found something I was looking for, but now I want to have that feeling again. I want to experience something new, a new reliance upon myself, not on someone else. I want to have some thrill, some mystery, some confusion. Here's a quote I am really in love with right now...
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -Helen Keller
Well, I had to get my thoughts down somewhere.
After a year long relationship, Lucas and I are taking a break. I don't know what to feel. While I want my freedom, I don't want to hurt him, and I am. I know what it is like to be that person listening to a song and thinking "God, I want to be loved." I know what it is like to want to be held by that person only, and what it is like to wonder what that person is doing now.
But I don't want regrets. I don't want to think "What happened if I did this?" I want to know that I was woman enough to live my life, to explore college, and take risks. It is easy to fall into what is comfortable, what makes you happy, what supports you. But sometimes you need to challenge yourself, make yourself cry, make yourself hurt. If I don't do this, I fear that I will forget pain, and never recognize beauty.
Maybe this is what needs to happen, so that I can recognize love and beauty again. It's like wearing your favorite shirt everyday, you forget what makes it so wonderful. Right now I'm going to wear something else, still have that favorite shirt to look at and reminisce about. But this will make me say "Damn, that shirt was awesome."
I came to college with eyes wide open, searching, exploring. I found something I was looking for, but now I want to have that feeling again. I want to experience something new, a new reliance upon myself, not on someone else. I want to have some thrill, some mystery, some confusion. Here's a quote I am really in love with right now...
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -Helen Keller