Yehstahday I Pahked my Cah Foa Five Minnuts and Got a Ticket...
In honor of Laura's impending visit, I thought it was a good time to mention a few things about the Language in Boston, for those of you who need to work on your grammar.
To begin with, despite popular consensus, we don't speak English.
Bostonians (and lets be honest, when I say Boston, I pretty much mean most of New England)speak whatever language was brought over here from East Anglia in 1630.
I've mentioned it before, but the general rule of thumb is that you basically add a broad A and a dropped R to words ending in A - (make sense?)
Here's a few examples:
Pahster (what Italians eat a lot of)
Cuber (an island south of Florida. They make good cigars and the capital is Havanna)
For the broad A, just open your mouth and pretend the doctor's checking your tonsils. So car is cah, park is pahk.
If you want to talk like our esteemed mayor: suck on ice for 3 hours, put a dead rodent in your mouth and, repeat after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah."
(I'm really sorry The Big Dig was a total Disaster)
When we say: \ We mean:
bzah \ Strange, odd, wierd.
flahwiz \ What you buy a girl you in the hopes she'll have sex with you.
hahpahst \ 30 minutes after the hour
fiveuv \ 5 minutes until the hour
khakis \ You don't wear these. You start your car with these.
pissa \ superb
retahded \ silly
wikkid \ extremely
Now, here's a list of things that will make you, the tourist, stick out like a sore thumb.
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You actually use a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it "Worchester", "Dedham", "Waltham" or "Revere".
(When obviously it's "Wuhstah", "Dead'um", "Walth'm", and "Rehveyah". Duh)
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it "Copely" Square.
You go to BU.
What else? Oh yes! Driving. FOr starters, don't do that. But if you must, there's a few things you should know:
Boston is a mishmash of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill surrounded (and in the case of the Big Dig, occasionally flooded) by water. There's a reason why you'll often here this phrase: "Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah." And which Warren Street were you looking for exactly? We have three. Plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place. How about Huntington Street, well that's off or Huntington Ave, which is also called Rt. 9 but only between the J-Way and Mass Ave.
Look, just ignore street names. We pulled them out of our asses. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Steet, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical order. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
Southie is South Boston, but it shouldn't be confused with The South End which is the South End.
The North End is east of the West End.
The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.
Okay, so you've finally found your way to a restaurant. But what to order. Some things you should know:
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda.
Pop is your Dad.
If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
They're called hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth century.
Now, if you don't want to get your ass kicked, here's some advice:
Please don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
Hm.... I think that's it. Oh, right:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't New York.
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave.
The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it isn't from Mississippi.
To get back to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line - then grab the bus.
The Hub: A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the Universe. It was - in 1775.
The Big Dig: The downtown highway project that's taking longer and costing more than it should. The latest excuse for why traffic here is bzah.
The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather forecast: ''Steady blue, clear view/Flashing blue, clouds due/Steady red, rain ahead/Flashing red, snow instead. '' In the summer, flashing red means the Sox home game has been called off.
And there ya go.
To begin with, despite popular consensus, we don't speak English.
Bostonians (and lets be honest, when I say Boston, I pretty much mean most of New England)speak whatever language was brought over here from East Anglia in 1630.
I've mentioned it before, but the general rule of thumb is that you basically add a broad A and a dropped R to words ending in A - (make sense?)
Here's a few examples:
Pahster (what Italians eat a lot of)
Cuber (an island south of Florida. They make good cigars and the capital is Havanna)
For the broad A, just open your mouth and pretend the doctor's checking your tonsils. So car is cah, park is pahk.
If you want to talk like our esteemed mayor: suck on ice for 3 hours, put a dead rodent in your mouth and, repeat after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah."
(I'm really sorry The Big Dig was a total Disaster)
When we say: \ We mean:
bzah \ Strange, odd, wierd.
flahwiz \ What you buy a girl you in the hopes she'll have sex with you.
hahpahst \ 30 minutes after the hour
fiveuv \ 5 minutes until the hour
khakis \ You don't wear these. You start your car with these.
pissa \ superb
retahded \ silly
wikkid \ extremely
Now, here's a list of things that will make you, the tourist, stick out like a sore thumb.
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You actually use a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it "Worchester", "Dedham", "Waltham" or "Revere".
(When obviously it's "Wuhstah", "Dead'um", "Walth'm", and "Rehveyah". Duh)
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it "Copely" Square.
You go to BU.
What else? Oh yes! Driving. FOr starters, don't do that. But if you must, there's a few things you should know:
Boston is a mishmash of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill surrounded (and in the case of the Big Dig, occasionally flooded) by water. There's a reason why you'll often here this phrase: "Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah." And which Warren Street were you looking for exactly? We have three. Plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place. How about Huntington Street, well that's off or Huntington Ave, which is also called Rt. 9 but only between the J-Way and Mass Ave.
Look, just ignore street names. We pulled them out of our asses. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Steet, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical order. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
Southie is South Boston, but it shouldn't be confused with The South End which is the South End.
The North End is east of the West End.
The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.
Okay, so you've finally found your way to a restaurant. But what to order. Some things you should know:
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda.
Pop is your Dad.
If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
They're called hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth century.
Now, if you don't want to get your ass kicked, here's some advice:
Please don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
Hm.... I think that's it. Oh, right:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't New York.
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave.
The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it isn't from Mississippi.
To get back to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line - then grab the bus.
The Hub: A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the Universe. It was - in 1775.
The Big Dig: The downtown highway project that's taking longer and costing more than it should. The latest excuse for why traffic here is bzah.
The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather forecast: ''Steady blue, clear view/Flashing blue, clouds due/Steady red, rain ahead/Flashing red, snow instead. '' In the summer, flashing red means the Sox home game has been called off.
And there ya go.