I remember the days of innocence lost
I remember the things he used to do to me.
I was a child.
I didn't know it was wrong, but I knew it wasn't quite right.
But still, I would bite my tongue and let the blood swirl around my mouth, swallow it down with my unspoken words. I thought if I could trap them deep inside and keep them safe beneath my steel armour, they could not escape and no one would know the truth.
The time I first found relief in the rivers that run through our bodies, the way it could come to the surface frighteningly bright with every brandishing of a blade.
And the time after that.
And when I knew I had a problem and sought help, only to be told that it was a cry for attention.
Because when you want attention, you mutilate yourself where it can't be seen, obviously.
And all the times after that.
I remember when it was all too much and I took whatever I could find in the medicine cabinet.
First it was two of each.
And when I found I was still breathing, another two.
Then four.
Then the rest of every packet.
To this day I still can't swallow pills with water.
And I remember the first day of sunshine, when everything seemed light and I could make life work and maybe, just maybe I would be alright.
And then I wasn't.
I remember when my first love left me. It hurt.
I remember when my best friend and I sat together and cried when she made the hardest decision of her life. When a baby was too much to handle, and how, even now, she doesn't think birth control is necessary. And that makes me sad.
And I remember when I got the call, asking my brother and I to meet my mother after school.
I thought I was in trouble.
Turns out she had cancer.
So really, I was in trouble.
I grew up very quickly then.
School. Work. Hospitals. Chemotherapy. Radiation. Housework. Cooking. Paying bills. Child-rearing. Financial burden.
And I wonder why people always tell me I'm ridiculously mature for my age.
Well, maybe if you'd seen what I have seen.
I remember when I left for university, how I thought all my problems would disappear.
You can be who you want.
You can do what you want.
The world is at your fingertips.
All that's at my fingertips are keyboards and instant noodles.
I remember the days of innocence lost, and, still, I think I might prefer them to today.