Brass
Miles Away by Carol Ann Duffy
I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.
Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.
It struck me just now that a wish is being made all the time because it's always 11:11 somewhere around the world! That is of course assuming that people make wishes at 11:11. Usually I catch the am one it's about the time my brain needs a break from wave of revision #1 :(
Anyway had one of the best dinners in a while last night. I've concluded that 'choosing not to think about it' is just my form of escapism and I will have to confront it sooner or later...I choose later! Making choices about choices: complicated and not fun in the least. But thank you Wai Teng and Elias :D we should do it again soon! (With less interrogation and exasperated sighs please.)
Today I also thought about vicarious living. To experience things by proxy, is it because one is too scared to attempt to experience it for oneself? Or is it just circumstantially impossible? I think vicariously sensing a situation or event or experience is extremely deceitful. You take the elements that you like, exploit them until they consume you more than they actually should, until it reaches a point where you develop this longing to experience it for yourself. But you can't, because whatever you experience in reality almost always ends up lacking and you know that. Besides, living by proxy kind of generally eliminates all the negatives about a situation right? I mean who is going to tell you how badly their life sucked and expect you to fawn over and be jealous of them? Okay perhaps in this situation "vicarious" isn't particularly the right word, but nothing similar has struck me as of yet.
It's been shaping up to be a great week so far though :) Sarah's birthday tomorrow! I still have to get a present. Actually in general it's been a good June, but studying will get a hugeee boost if I cure myself of bejewelled blitz addiction :(