SSDD
I have been on the internet for too many hours. I almost am disgusted that I am on myspace this much. Well I am pretty much doubling my myspace intake because I have been organzing Under the Gun’s myspace too. But hey I think my hard work is paying off cause it looks decent for a nonprofessional....a little more thought and clear. I can’t wait till all the pieces fit together and its rolling as a business as it should because thats what I want to do with my life.
Lately I have been going through the motions. I am going to blame at least 3/4 on hormones. I don’t get too angry when I all menstrual I just want to hide in the corner.My patiences in a bit low and I started to cry watching Say Anything at two in the afternoon. I think I was crying because I want someone to remember songs we listen to and hold a radio outside my house. Someone that writes me letters saying that they will always be there. Damn that John Cusack.....google just said he is the unconventional hero. At least he is to me in his movies. I wonder if people even exist like that. I guess I am a bit down and out because I am lonely. I have been on the computer every other night and being studying and blocking everything out so that I don’t think about it. Its not working completely. My heart feels heavy and my phones not ringing its hard to ignore.
What I am experiencing lately is that I keep meeting people not ready for me. Which is something my mom and my friends have been saying for years. I know its true because everyone that I get close to thinks that I can’t be this nice or honest or whatever. I am just tired of it. It sounds stupid but I want someone to be ready and not be surprised. There are so many things left unsaid to me. I feel there are people(or person) that have somethings they want to say but are to afraid to let themselves be venerable. I just feel like I am running in circles.
I guess you can say that I am dizzy now.
Today was pointless. I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Then I had class an hour earlier and played piano. Then I took a two hour nap because I felt bad and then I woke up got dressed and went to work. It was slow and I kept thinking about crap. I decided that I am just going to have to deal with the fact that I have to be by myself and no matter how much you like a person you can’t make them see what you see and feel how you feel. I want to be done with that because thats all I did in my last relationship. I gave Daniel some space today because I think I am a lot to handle sometimes and I really don’t know what to think there. I just don’t think he quite gets what I am all about yet and many other things.
I sometimes imagine myself in a dark room so I can get used to the idea that this is all I have.
I like to think that I have grown a lot. I think about how happy I am that I am not with someone that makes me doubt myself like Matt Leger did. I was thinking about that sitting outside for a second how miserable I was and how easy of a solution it was to fix that and I couldn’t even see it. I don’t have trouble with the black and white of it all its when I am swimming in the grey it consumes me.
One last note James asked me to put up some of my prose/poetry and its super old and of course I think it sucks but I promised so don’t laugh when I am putting up stuff that I wrote when I was in high school or the one thing I wrote last year on lots of meds in the middle of the night at the Dallas airport.
Lately I have been going through the motions. I am going to blame at least 3/4 on hormones. I don’t get too angry when I all menstrual I just want to hide in the corner.My patiences in a bit low and I started to cry watching Say Anything at two in the afternoon. I think I was crying because I want someone to remember songs we listen to and hold a radio outside my house. Someone that writes me letters saying that they will always be there. Damn that John Cusack.....google just said he is the unconventional hero. At least he is to me in his movies. I wonder if people even exist like that. I guess I am a bit down and out because I am lonely. I have been on the computer every other night and being studying and blocking everything out so that I don’t think about it. Its not working completely. My heart feels heavy and my phones not ringing its hard to ignore.
What I am experiencing lately is that I keep meeting people not ready for me. Which is something my mom and my friends have been saying for years. I know its true because everyone that I get close to thinks that I can’t be this nice or honest or whatever. I am just tired of it. It sounds stupid but I want someone to be ready and not be surprised. There are so many things left unsaid to me. I feel there are people(or person) that have somethings they want to say but are to afraid to let themselves be venerable. I just feel like I am running in circles.
I guess you can say that I am dizzy now.
Today was pointless. I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Then I had class an hour earlier and played piano. Then I took a two hour nap because I felt bad and then I woke up got dressed and went to work. It was slow and I kept thinking about crap. I decided that I am just going to have to deal with the fact that I have to be by myself and no matter how much you like a person you can’t make them see what you see and feel how you feel. I want to be done with that because thats all I did in my last relationship. I gave Daniel some space today because I think I am a lot to handle sometimes and I really don’t know what to think there. I just don’t think he quite gets what I am all about yet and many other things.
I sometimes imagine myself in a dark room so I can get used to the idea that this is all I have.
I like to think that I have grown a lot. I think about how happy I am that I am not with someone that makes me doubt myself like Matt Leger did. I was thinking about that sitting outside for a second how miserable I was and how easy of a solution it was to fix that and I couldn’t even see it. I don’t have trouble with the black and white of it all its when I am swimming in the grey it consumes me.
One last note James asked me to put up some of my prose/poetry and its super old and of course I think it sucks but I promised so don’t laugh when I am putting up stuff that I wrote when I was in high school or the one thing I wrote last year on lots of meds in the middle of the night at the Dallas airport.