He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
If I could sum of things in the past two weeks in would be they are like a roller coaster. Like there are days where I am like ready to take on the world then road block....road block....road block.
I have the worst luck in the world at times. I still feel stuck and I am definitely in a void. I feel like what am I suppose to be doing? I mean I know what I want to do and its not happening.
I applied for an audio job and totally didn't get it and it was tricky as hell to apply on an added note. I want to apply to school but I can't seem to get an application in the mail and I am not 100% sold on going until I look at everything.
I have been thinking I am going to go to school and bite the bullet and go to California. I figured this is the end. I have to follow my dream or there is nothing worth doing.That's it but it's not going to be easy.But its all I got.
I have been thinking about my past a lot lately too. Like I was driving around thinking about the last time I was in love. And how I felt with John and how I felt my heart being ripped out through my nose later. Like I was convinced that he was going to be it. I was listening to Rise Against and I thought about the last time I listened to it and it was dropping him at the station that rainy day. But even the past year its been horrible. Not the people per say just the situations. No one ever seems to be what they really are until you are way into a relationship. Three months later there they are.
Things are really weird in my current relationship. I adore the fuck out of Leslie. Like I love that we can enjoy each others company and he makes me laugh. I like that he lets me see him as himself and no one else gets that. I like that we can go do something and the whole time I don't feel weird bringing him anywhere like I did with people in the past. I like doing nice things for him or making him smile. I have never been so addicted to kissing someone.
Things are rough for me. I feel a little left out of his life at times. He wants all these things out of life and I know EXACTLY how that feels, but in between then I just don't feel that important sometimes. And I know he says its not that way but I feel it...its there. I know he tries...and god does he. But I don't think he sees the big picture. I guess my idea of love may be different. I think about that person all the time and I don't like being away from him. I am not saying that its like he trying to be but if I were in the same position I wouldn't want to the choice to do so. Its a hard choice....get the things you need and want and have a relationship too and life in between. I just feel lost in it all. I just want something normal so bad. Its like I have the feelings that I want there and yet the game plan is yet to be desired. I just feel stuck. I feel like I am in a long distance relationship with someone that lives in the same city. Like I love that person and I never see them. It's not to the extent I described but it gets to me at times. For example:
1) when people ask where my boyfriend is at a party or a bunch of people hanging out because he never is around.
2) when my mom asked me about leslie getting a second job..." so...when he going to have time for you?" I almost burst into tears. I just said I don't know. Then she said "Yeah you might see him but nots not really like that when he is exhausted all the time." It still is getting to me those words.
3) when people tell me that this relationship is not going to last or the look when I tell people about this situation.
Thats what gets to me. Its so bleak at the moment. I can't get mad because nothing was really done wrong but then I feel so stuck and having no place.
Talk about road blocks. This may be the biggest lately.
Its like I want this relationship to work because I do love him and frankly I haven't had one work in a fucking long time....I can't ever remember when that was.
I wish I had a conclusion for everything I can't seem to get right now. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and act like none of this exist time things work themselves out because thats all I can do. Just ast like life works it self out even if I don't feel that way.
I will leave it on this note: things can always get worse, I am not hoping since the ways things have been going that they don't.
chores,work,sleep,errands,work,sleep,wakeup early, run errands all day,don't have money to go out friday night, sleep, go meet james duval
thats all I have to do in the next few days
I have the worst luck in the world at times. I still feel stuck and I am definitely in a void. I feel like what am I suppose to be doing? I mean I know what I want to do and its not happening.
I applied for an audio job and totally didn't get it and it was tricky as hell to apply on an added note. I want to apply to school but I can't seem to get an application in the mail and I am not 100% sold on going until I look at everything.
I have been thinking I am going to go to school and bite the bullet and go to California. I figured this is the end. I have to follow my dream or there is nothing worth doing.That's it but it's not going to be easy.But its all I got.
I have been thinking about my past a lot lately too. Like I was driving around thinking about the last time I was in love. And how I felt with John and how I felt my heart being ripped out through my nose later. Like I was convinced that he was going to be it. I was listening to Rise Against and I thought about the last time I listened to it and it was dropping him at the station that rainy day. But even the past year its been horrible. Not the people per say just the situations. No one ever seems to be what they really are until you are way into a relationship. Three months later there they are.
Things are really weird in my current relationship. I adore the fuck out of Leslie. Like I love that we can enjoy each others company and he makes me laugh. I like that he lets me see him as himself and no one else gets that. I like that we can go do something and the whole time I don't feel weird bringing him anywhere like I did with people in the past. I like doing nice things for him or making him smile. I have never been so addicted to kissing someone.
Things are rough for me. I feel a little left out of his life at times. He wants all these things out of life and I know EXACTLY how that feels, but in between then I just don't feel that important sometimes. And I know he says its not that way but I feel it...its there. I know he tries...and god does he. But I don't think he sees the big picture. I guess my idea of love may be different. I think about that person all the time and I don't like being away from him. I am not saying that its like he trying to be but if I were in the same position I wouldn't want to the choice to do so. Its a hard choice....get the things you need and want and have a relationship too and life in between. I just feel lost in it all. I just want something normal so bad. Its like I have the feelings that I want there and yet the game plan is yet to be desired. I just feel stuck. I feel like I am in a long distance relationship with someone that lives in the same city. Like I love that person and I never see them. It's not to the extent I described but it gets to me at times. For example:
1) when people ask where my boyfriend is at a party or a bunch of people hanging out because he never is around.
2) when my mom asked me about leslie getting a second job..." so...when he going to have time for you?" I almost burst into tears. I just said I don't know. Then she said "Yeah you might see him but nots not really like that when he is exhausted all the time." It still is getting to me those words.
3) when people tell me that this relationship is not going to last or the look when I tell people about this situation.
Thats what gets to me. Its so bleak at the moment. I can't get mad because nothing was really done wrong but then I feel so stuck and having no place.
Talk about road blocks. This may be the biggest lately.
Its like I want this relationship to work because I do love him and frankly I haven't had one work in a fucking long time....I can't ever remember when that was.
I wish I had a conclusion for everything I can't seem to get right now. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and act like none of this exist time things work themselves out because thats all I can do. Just ast like life works it self out even if I don't feel that way.
I will leave it on this note: things can always get worse, I am not hoping since the ways things have been going that they don't.
chores,work,sleep,errands,work,sleep,wakeup early, run errands all day,don't have money to go out friday night, sleep, go meet james duval
thats all I have to do in the next few days