random late night thoughts
I have to work in like two hours and it sucks because I slept all day and I slept many two hours? But I figured I would update because I am fucking wide awake.
I just have a lot on my mind lately. I think I might be getting depressed again I don't know. I seem ok at times and then I feel like shit who knows I am thinking its the motions because its weird being without a boyfriend and not having two jobs anymore. Its like the life I was suppose to have for the last two years. the truth is that I haven't been single since I graduated high school its sickens me. I am glad I never stopped my life for someone and I have done things with my life so far but I think I would feel better if someone was in the shadows while I did these things.But its life experience.
Yeah I am bored and lonely. I have been hanging out with Robert a bunch because we actually have a good time just chilling and having a good conversation. Also I have been having out with Jon McSwain a bunch. I didn't realize how much I missed him till the other morning driving to work. Like I have no idea why we drifted apart...I think mostly drugs, weird relationships we got into with crazy people, and he got held back. But he was always such a good friend and genuine.When we were at the rave he took care of me and we had this moment were we agreed that its great that our paths have crossed this time. Its funny how I didn't realize for so long how many people do care for me when I was at my worst.
I didn't realize that I did have friends in high school and that people do give a shit sometimes. It took me this long to realize a lot of things.
Jon called tonight and he told me that he really loved me and by the sound in his voice I knew he meant it more than ever. Its been so hard without him around because it drives me crazy because I think about him all the time and it just seems so far away. Just two months to go and I get to see him. Its part of the reason I am so sad lately because my heart aches so bad. I really needed to hear him say those things to me tonight more than ever because distance is hard and I start to doubt things.
But I guess on a good note I do feel more passionately about music lately. Like tonight I am so content of just listening to music right now and thinking. At the rave as well, I was so messed up that night and all I kept talking about was music. I love it, its what drives me, what keeps me sane, I live it and I breathe. But that night I talked to all the DJs about gear and I was just in heaven. They were all surprised about how a girl like me would know all this shit about what they do.I felt like I was in the music that night and I think I really was. Dancing makes me feel so happy so high as well. But music I can't even think of the word that would make you understand.I also started reading this book Matt gave me a million years ago called the Philosophy of Punk. I forget how I used to be into the scene and how I used to be(and still am) into that kind of thing. Its a reminder and it makes me feel more alive like when I read Chomsky and his ideals.
Speaking of Matt. It reminds of the times he used to be a great guy. A guy that gave me books to enrich my mind instead of taking advantage of my kindndess like he does now. He has called twice in the past few weeks I haven't been here and thank god. The last time we spoke it wasn't pleasant and I don't want to go back there.It took me so long to get over him and all his games I don't want to have that conversation with him. I know he only calls me for one thing and one thing only: he wants me back. He was supposedly engaged told me to fuck off and he was going to be leaving for the navy why else would he call. If he ever actually read my blog or listened to me he would have realized how much he hurt me. I don't know why he bothers because there was a time and place when I would have done anything for us and now I think its time I gave that to someone that deserves that now.
I just have a lot on my mind lately. I think I might be getting depressed again I don't know. I seem ok at times and then I feel like shit who knows I am thinking its the motions because its weird being without a boyfriend and not having two jobs anymore. Its like the life I was suppose to have for the last two years. the truth is that I haven't been single since I graduated high school its sickens me. I am glad I never stopped my life for someone and I have done things with my life so far but I think I would feel better if someone was in the shadows while I did these things.But its life experience.
Yeah I am bored and lonely. I have been hanging out with Robert a bunch because we actually have a good time just chilling and having a good conversation. Also I have been having out with Jon McSwain a bunch. I didn't realize how much I missed him till the other morning driving to work. Like I have no idea why we drifted apart...I think mostly drugs, weird relationships we got into with crazy people, and he got held back. But he was always such a good friend and genuine.When we were at the rave he took care of me and we had this moment were we agreed that its great that our paths have crossed this time. Its funny how I didn't realize for so long how many people do care for me when I was at my worst.
I didn't realize that I did have friends in high school and that people do give a shit sometimes. It took me this long to realize a lot of things.
Jon called tonight and he told me that he really loved me and by the sound in his voice I knew he meant it more than ever. Its been so hard without him around because it drives me crazy because I think about him all the time and it just seems so far away. Just two months to go and I get to see him. Its part of the reason I am so sad lately because my heart aches so bad. I really needed to hear him say those things to me tonight more than ever because distance is hard and I start to doubt things.
But I guess on a good note I do feel more passionately about music lately. Like tonight I am so content of just listening to music right now and thinking. At the rave as well, I was so messed up that night and all I kept talking about was music. I love it, its what drives me, what keeps me sane, I live it and I breathe. But that night I talked to all the DJs about gear and I was just in heaven. They were all surprised about how a girl like me would know all this shit about what they do.I felt like I was in the music that night and I think I really was. Dancing makes me feel so happy so high as well. But music I can't even think of the word that would make you understand.I also started reading this book Matt gave me a million years ago called the Philosophy of Punk. I forget how I used to be into the scene and how I used to be(and still am) into that kind of thing. Its a reminder and it makes me feel more alive like when I read Chomsky and his ideals.
Speaking of Matt. It reminds of the times he used to be a great guy. A guy that gave me books to enrich my mind instead of taking advantage of my kindndess like he does now. He has called twice in the past few weeks I haven't been here and thank god. The last time we spoke it wasn't pleasant and I don't want to go back there.It took me so long to get over him and all his games I don't want to have that conversation with him. I know he only calls me for one thing and one thing only: he wants me back. He was supposedly engaged told me to fuck off and he was going to be leaving for the navy why else would he call. If he ever actually read my blog or listened to me he would have realized how much he hurt me. I don't know why he bothers because there was a time and place when I would have done anything for us and now I think its time I gave that to someone that deserves that now.