The Year 2005.
I always do an entry the day of new years eve and think about the year that I have had. And up till now I think all of that is bullshit. Everything I ever wrote about how my year went was all bullshit to me now. The things that I used to worry about and hurt over was nothing and I can't believe I cared about stupid shit like that sometimes.
This year was the hardest year of my life so far.
Like I have been thinking about it all week and I can't think about it without wanting to cry honestly but I don't want to take pity on myself and definitely not from others. Thats life and this is how it is.
You are probably wondering why I say this and I guess I better explain why its been like this for me this year. Some of it is mostly my stupid mistakes and some it just how real life can be.
The year started out with Joe. What can I really say about that? I can't deny that yeah I did love him at one point but people can change real quick and not show themselves to you for a long time even within a year. I said and did some things in that relationship that were wrong but the thing is I never deserved the treatment he gave me ever. He made me feel worthless, the jealousy, the never being satisfied, the times he locked me out and called me a whore to my face, the drug problem. I choose to be with him but I am glad I chose to be without him.
I was thinking yesterday how much my life changed when I started working at Starbucks as dumb as it sounds. I think my life got a lot better and thats where I think I got myself back and that I was ment for more. I was afraid that I wouldn't get close to the people I worked with but to my surprise I did. I love that job and I hate it but not for the people which are some of the best people I love on the planet and I have had the pleasure to meet.
I have been doing some things with my life this year but not what I'd hoped to be doing. I finished up school and I am in the void of what to do next. I have been an intern for almost two years now at the studio and I am hoping to branch off soon. I have a millions things I want to accomplish but time and money are really liquid...there never seems to be enough. I want to go back to school but I might start doing this other internship but if I do that I can't have school and I don't make enough money to move out and focus on a career...in which this career takes money to make money so its like a tangled web and I plan to figure it.
Then there was the ending of Matt and I. This year I thought it was time that we tried our relationship again. But honestly I wanted him so bad. I loved Matt and I was convinced he was the guy that I wanted to be with the rest of my life. He is the one that knows me like the back of his hand and was my best friend.I would have done anything for him and I did even. I worked so hard to keep him here but he too my kindness for granted. I have never in my life have been hurt by someone like he hurt me. My intentions were good and I even dropped my life to make sure he could be in it. But he didn't see things the same and didn't respect anything about me at all. When some takes care of your well being you think that you would love them unconditionally without say. It wasn't like that and I hope I never have to drop someone at the bus station again. I had to let go and it hurt....I can't even think of words to describe it nor would I because I wouldn't want someone to even imagine. But the only person here to blame is me. Everyone told me it was a bad idea and that I would get hurt but I was thinking with my heart only and I am the only person to blame because I made that choice. But what do you when your so called soul mate really isn't? I am still figuring that out.
But I think what makes my heart truely heavy this year was the loss of two of my good friends this year. Ross Pickens and Jocab Flores. I think about each of them everyday and I think about how people define the person you are. Like what kind of person would you have been if certain people didn't touch your lives? I am thankful that these people touched my life and I will truely miss them and I have a special place in my heart for them always.
But am easy way to show how this year has been is through the pcitures I have taken. I know they are not the best and I am not a photographer but there are something about pictures that make you stop and think about moments of your life. And thats what I want people to do is stop your life for one second and think about that really matters. Please take the time to look them because they took me hours to post and there are some good memories.
Friends:
The River
"The Face: Odie
Sleepy Odie
Kristi
Magnolia:John,Brian, Baron and Kristi
We learned NEVER leave sharp knifes in the backseat of your car and let friends sit there.
Dustin@ Spiderhouse
Brian @ Magnolia
Baron learns about being a woman.
Baron ACTUALLY BOUGHT SHOES!
I heart Baron
Sean and Alison
Me
Mediatech Friends:
Meghan
Me'
Joey and Kyle Forever!!
Dan the Man
Blaine
Blaine Rocks Out!
Starbucks Friends:
Sam loves Nick
Nick and Sam
Jozi and Alicyn
Jozi
More Jozi!
Joseph
Alicyn
Gram Rabbit/ Le Tigre:
Gram Rabbit 1
Gram Rabbit 2
Gram Rabbit 3
Le Tigre 1
Le Tigre 2
Le Tigre 3
Le Tigre 4
21st Birthday:
Drunken Game of Slaps 1
Drunken Game of Slaps 2
Nick, Sam, and Jospeh @ After Party
Nick and Nick
Drunken Mohawk Pic 1
Drunken Mohawl Pic 2
Alison+Sam.Too hot.Too Drunk.
Eric=Nazi
Drew=Captain Morgan
Baron bowling for the first time ever.
Final Destination: Ross Picken 1985-2005
John,Eric, and Wynne
Wynne and Alice
After the Funeral 1
After the Funeral 2
Sarah and Josh
Portrait
Baron and Josh
John and Alice asleep
Burial place.
Arrival
Baron went barefoot.
Eric and Alice
Eric.
The Drive
Casket.
My Car.
Bottles/How much we drank(the boxes are full too)
Baron, Wynne and Kristi
Baron.
After the funeral 3
Alice.
What I hope for this year is something big to change and for the better. What I really want is for my career to up a level and feel comfortable with the skin that I am in which I don't right now. But to everyone that has been with me this year through all of this or my new friends I love you all. be safe this New years but have lots of fun. You know where I will be.
.
This year was the hardest year of my life so far.
Like I have been thinking about it all week and I can't think about it without wanting to cry honestly but I don't want to take pity on myself and definitely not from others. Thats life and this is how it is.
You are probably wondering why I say this and I guess I better explain why its been like this for me this year. Some of it is mostly my stupid mistakes and some it just how real life can be.
The year started out with Joe. What can I really say about that? I can't deny that yeah I did love him at one point but people can change real quick and not show themselves to you for a long time even within a year. I said and did some things in that relationship that were wrong but the thing is I never deserved the treatment he gave me ever. He made me feel worthless, the jealousy, the never being satisfied, the times he locked me out and called me a whore to my face, the drug problem. I choose to be with him but I am glad I chose to be without him.
I was thinking yesterday how much my life changed when I started working at Starbucks as dumb as it sounds. I think my life got a lot better and thats where I think I got myself back and that I was ment for more. I was afraid that I wouldn't get close to the people I worked with but to my surprise I did. I love that job and I hate it but not for the people which are some of the best people I love on the planet and I have had the pleasure to meet.
I have been doing some things with my life this year but not what I'd hoped to be doing. I finished up school and I am in the void of what to do next. I have been an intern for almost two years now at the studio and I am hoping to branch off soon. I have a millions things I want to accomplish but time and money are really liquid...there never seems to be enough. I want to go back to school but I might start doing this other internship but if I do that I can't have school and I don't make enough money to move out and focus on a career...in which this career takes money to make money so its like a tangled web and I plan to figure it.
Then there was the ending of Matt and I. This year I thought it was time that we tried our relationship again. But honestly I wanted him so bad. I loved Matt and I was convinced he was the guy that I wanted to be with the rest of my life. He is the one that knows me like the back of his hand and was my best friend.I would have done anything for him and I did even. I worked so hard to keep him here but he too my kindness for granted. I have never in my life have been hurt by someone like he hurt me. My intentions were good and I even dropped my life to make sure he could be in it. But he didn't see things the same and didn't respect anything about me at all. When some takes care of your well being you think that you would love them unconditionally without say. It wasn't like that and I hope I never have to drop someone at the bus station again. I had to let go and it hurt....I can't even think of words to describe it nor would I because I wouldn't want someone to even imagine. But the only person here to blame is me. Everyone told me it was a bad idea and that I would get hurt but I was thinking with my heart only and I am the only person to blame because I made that choice. But what do you when your so called soul mate really isn't? I am still figuring that out.
But I think what makes my heart truely heavy this year was the loss of two of my good friends this year. Ross Pickens and Jocab Flores. I think about each of them everyday and I think about how people define the person you are. Like what kind of person would you have been if certain people didn't touch your lives? I am thankful that these people touched my life and I will truely miss them and I have a special place in my heart for them always.
But am easy way to show how this year has been is through the pcitures I have taken. I know they are not the best and I am not a photographer but there are something about pictures that make you stop and think about moments of your life. And thats what I want people to do is stop your life for one second and think about that really matters. Please take the time to look them because they took me hours to post and there are some good memories.
Friends:
The River
"The Face: Odie
Sleepy Odie
Kristi
Magnolia:John,Brian, Baron and Kristi
We learned NEVER leave sharp knifes in the backseat of your car and let friends sit there.
Dustin@ Spiderhouse
Brian @ Magnolia
Baron learns about being a woman.
Baron ACTUALLY BOUGHT SHOES!
I heart Baron
Sean and Alison
Me
Mediatech Friends:
Meghan
Me'
Joey and Kyle Forever!!
Dan the Man
Blaine
Blaine Rocks Out!
Starbucks Friends:
Sam loves Nick
Nick and Sam
Jozi and Alicyn
Jozi
More Jozi!
Joseph
Alicyn
Gram Rabbit/ Le Tigre:
Gram Rabbit 1
Gram Rabbit 2
Gram Rabbit 3
Le Tigre 1
Le Tigre 2
Le Tigre 3
Le Tigre 4
21st Birthday:
Drunken Game of Slaps 1
Drunken Game of Slaps 2
Nick, Sam, and Jospeh @ After Party
Nick and Nick
Drunken Mohawk Pic 1
Drunken Mohawl Pic 2
Alison+Sam.Too hot.Too Drunk.
Eric=Nazi
Drew=Captain Morgan
Baron bowling for the first time ever.
Final Destination: Ross Picken 1985-2005
John,Eric, and Wynne
Wynne and Alice
After the Funeral 1
After the Funeral 2
Sarah and Josh
Portrait
Baron and Josh
John and Alice asleep
Burial place.
Arrival
Baron went barefoot.
Eric and Alice
Eric.
The Drive
Casket.
My Car.
Bottles/How much we drank(the boxes are full too)
Baron, Wynne and Kristi
Baron.
After the funeral 3
Alice.
What I hope for this year is something big to change and for the better. What I really want is for my career to up a level and feel comfortable with the skin that I am in which I don't right now. But to everyone that has been with me this year through all of this or my new friends I love you all. be safe this New years but have lots of fun. You know where I will be.
.