(no subject)
I dont know how to tell him he is everything to me...I need him to be in my life....I know I fucked his life up as he puts it...but jesus fuckin christ i love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life....He is everything to me....I want him..no I NEED him to see that I am not the person he thinks I am....I would love to be everything to him...I dont feel I ever was....I cant lose him over this shit...and I wont...I am going to do everything in my power to show him that..I have three fuckin interviews 2morrow and I dont care how long it takes I will walk through the door with a job....I need too....I cant let him believe the things he does about me....we have both hurt eachother in different ways in the pass..and I look beyond that....when he says he wants me to get out..i think he wants to break up with me...and now that i finally agree to get out and give him time...he does want to break up...i cant do this....i cant live without him..i love him sooo fuckin much and would give up anything in my life for him....i would do anything to prove him wrong..what else can i say I need him....I am his chunky munky, his kitten, his double0ditzy...i dont know what i would do if i couldnt have anymore monday night drives with him...i would die if i knew that i was never gonna be able to cuddle with him again....i would die if i didnt have him in my life...and he says he doesnt care anymore...but i cant believe that....he has an extreme amount of hate and anger in his eyes right now and that hurts me more than anythign I went through with my real dad when i was a kid....but there is also that lil tiny bit of love that is there....i mean he yells and says things that make me want to die.....when he is at work and im home...im crying most the time....i cant count how many times i have cried myself to sleep bc of the things he says...i mean i feel like going out into the street and letting someone beat the living shit out of me..bc I feel like i deserve it...its to the point where i feel like i need him to beat the shit out of me bc i deserve it....thats not right but i worship the ground he walks on....i love him through anything and everything...i want him to be the father of my children..i want to call him my husband...i want to be the lil domestic house wife...i want to buy him a bike for a wedding present..i want all these things that i know i can give to him and it demolishes any hope i have for anything when he says the things he does....i let him verbally beat my ass bc i think it makes him feel better...im so in love with him it hurts..and i dont wanna think about life without him being there....i dont know how to say these things to him...i really dont...but i love him with all my heart and would die for him...i need him to know that...and once he sees this shit will change right away..