Happy Mitch Hedberg Day!!!
People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour.
Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?"
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.
I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
I’ll tell ya, I go to a craft fair, I see a jar of jelly beans. They say, “Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize!” Aw come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.
About once every three years I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store and I’ll come upon the yo-yo section. And I’ll fantasize about mastering it to the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg? Is he that guy that kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes I do. He is cool.
Every day for breakfast I have a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do anything for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite.
Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at?
Hey man, I went to the Home Depot, y'know, the other day... which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot.
Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying, "Hey, we ain't gotta fix, shit!"
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it were 2-in-1 it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...
For more awesome quotes I found a really awesome website: http://www. hedburgh. com/quoter. php
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R.I.P. Mitch...
1968-2005
