Lots of time on my hands
I'm so bored at work right now. I figure I would just sit and write about all the different aspects of my life. I like to look back and read about how much of a dork I was. I really don't think I have that many friends that still use livejournal. SO it's really for my own personal benefit.
My family. Well my parents and I have grown into a better relationship. My mother is probably the greatest person in my life although we both do things that the other disapproves of. Some of the characteristics that I have inherited from her are things that I want to change about myself. Yet, there are also some things that I get from her that I admire. Like how giving she is. She will help anyone she loves in any time of need. I love being that way. I love being able to help someone when they need me. It makes me feel like things that I have done to disappoint myself and others kind of cancel out. My dad and I are never going to change. But the more time I spend apart from him, the more he appreciates me when he does have me around. It's sad but true. My sister and I are always in totally different worlds. She is doing all the wrong things. Which, I cannot lie I did a lot of those things when I was her age. But she is a lot further behind in life than I was at that age. She is very lazy towards school and I don't think she realizes how much she is going to regret that in the future. I just want her to grow up and see the light before she ends up in a situation that could change her life forever. She's my mini me. She's my little sister. I want the best for her. My brother is still married. Lol, I guess that isn't supposed to be a surprise. I do not get to see or talk to him very often since we both work a lot. I miss how close we were. I miss it so much it hurts. I've realized that no matter how much I dislike her for her ways if she makes him happy I should just take that and run with it. So I started being nice to her. She still wants to talk about what has happened in the past but I think we should start fresh. BUT, I have come to the conclusion that there is no way to avoid talking about it if that is what she wants. Therefore, I am just going to sit her down and approach the situation is the most casual way possible and let her know exactly how I feel as of now. I really don't care about her, but I will comply with her wishes because my brother and I's relationship is very important to me. When he got angry with me around Christmas it really broke my heart. I am not that close to Danielle and Nikki and I have my father to thank for that ( my real dad ). He is crazy. That is one person that has yet to prove that they have the slightest sign of a conscience. I keep in touch with them though and maybe when we are all adults we can work on having a better relationship. And I love my grandparents to death. My grandmother is such a sweetheart. And I love spending time with the children. Especially Rileigh because she's so little and adorable. But the grown ones are just as fun. People in my family that feel they have just let everyone down time and time and again I have always shunned completely and never felt sorry for. I am beginning to feel like I should be approaching them more positively. I am speaking of one person in particular. If everyone treats someone like they are nothing but a "fuck up" they begin to believe it as well and I just can't imagine how alone she must feel. So I let her know that I am on stand by if she ever needs a friend. That's what family is for. Seth is in the hospital again. I am going to go and see him this weekend. I don't want to give up on him, no matter how many results are given that cause us to lose hope. I still pray for him every night. He is just a child. He deserves to be able to experience the world. I want him to grow up. I want him to go to school. I want him to have kindergarten girlfriends with cooties. I want him to tell me what he wants to be when he grows up. I want to see him go to prom and graduate. I want to see the look in his eyes when he first falls in love. I want everything for him. Yet I feel like I can give him nothing. The less people give the less chances he has. He's my little angel. I want him to live. I have been keeping in touch with my cousin Star lately. She was my childhood sister. I cannot imagine how bored I would've been if she weren't always there beside me. I'm grateful for that. So many things are going on, I feel like I am missing out by living here for college although I am not that far away. I cannot imagine people who want to go to college far away just for the SAKE of getting away. Have you no roots? Have you no values? Why would you not want to spend as much time with the people who share the most with you while you still can?
School. School is the same as it has always been. I am not sure if I have a legitimate reason to having done so poorly in college so far. I know I have the potential. I need more discipline. I need a wake up call. I need someone to support, motivate, and challenge me. I want to do better. I think that having this job has put me back into responsibility mode. For a while I just neglected everything. There are consequences for that and I have faced them. I have been given so many chances by everyone to improve myself. I am grateful for that as well. I am glad that people believe in me enough to accept my mistakes and allow me to overcome them. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given. I have a lot of catching up to do, but I am prepared to work hard. I don't want Jordy to go to graduate school without me. What if he decides to go out of state? I won't have that opportunity if I'm not ready to leave. I will miss out on all the goodness! I know that I have what it takes. I am just a mess sometimes. I have allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable at times and have used that as my excuse to shut everything out. But my life has greatly improved and I don't have any reason not to make things happen for myself. I am sticking with Psychology. I like it and it will never lose my interest. The mind changes everyday. I wish that I could follow the thoughts of someone else's mind rather than my own. I think that will be a project for my dissertation if I get a PhD. I am going to have someone keep a journal about their lives. It will be similar to this one. I want to document what they feel and how they approach situations and HOW those aspects change given certain experiences. I also love Italian. I cannot wait to go to Italy so that I can soak up all the experience I need to be fluent in the language. It's so exciting to me to become part of another culture. I want to experience all of it's history. Just thinking about it makes me excited. I want to be a well-rounded person.
Work. I'm so glad that I have this job. I truly care about the people that I work for and it is important to me that I do what is expected of me because they believe in me. They chose me out of more qualified applicants and I have become a valuable resource to my company. God gives me so many chances to prove myself. I think it is about time that I start doing that. I am in a very comfortable environment and the people here appreciate what I do. They are also very understanding of my other priorities and obligations. It's a good place to be. Not to mention I make great money for the work that I do. I am very lucky.
Boyfriend. I always go on and on about my boyfriend. But there is not a day that goes by that I do not constantly value every single moment that he is mine. When I wrecked my car, he was there for me the entire time promising that everything would be fine and vowing to do anything to help me out. He made me forget all about what a horrible situation it is. Everything that I have ever been through waiting for Jordy was worth it. Every single tear that I have cried has all been worth it. I cannot imagine my life without him. We have so much in common and we have so many plans together. Just to do things that we both want to do. We're going to go to Europe together. We like to go site seeing together. We like most of the same things. But we're still not freakishly a like. That is refreshing. And his family treats me like I'm one of their own. I love that! I love how this kiss and hug every time they see you. I love how they always inquire about me when he's on the phone with them. They are the stable, normal family that I never had I guess. They're just different from my family. They're closer. I like that. I like being part of that. I like that they like me. They can be a tough crowd when it comes to the relationships that their children have. It makes them happy that I make him happy. And that makes me happy to know that they see that. I love it!
Friends. I have grown apart from a lot of people. I think I just got tired of a lot of the things I was doing and the things that were going on. Also, a lot of people went down the wrong path and I tried to stop them but when they didn't listen...I just trusted that I would not allow myself to do the same. Ashley for instance, I mean she was doing some things that I didn't approve of. I know that we are not as close anymore. But it's not because I have a boyfriend and I would rather be around him than my friends. It is because we just don't like the same things anymore. We don't do the same things and we don't hang out w/ the same people and that is sad but there are very few things that I can do about that. I still love her as a person and I like hanging out with her but there aren't many chances that I get to do things with her that we both want to do. Also, we can't just hang out like we used to because there are always 5 or 10 other people around. And I don't like being Ashley's friend in some creepy way to where I want her all to myself. But we had more fun when it was just the two of us rather than 293847 of us. I want to do something raunchy like go to the keg and get super wasted and sing loudly on the ride home and piss off her neighbors when we get back because we're STILL sitting in the car and singing loudly! We never judged each other. I think that is what I liked most about our friendship. We're both laid back so we don't have silly insignificant arguments. We just hang out. It's fun, and it doesn't take a lot to entertain us, lol. Things have just changed so much since high school. I am starting to accept changes more than I used to. I am better about it. I guess it's part of growing up. I don't like losing people but I find that it is inevitable. I don't want to be one of those people that only has her boyfriend. I mean, I love my boyfriend to death but it's not healthy for anyone to seclude themselves and wrap their life around one person. Megan and I still talk everyday. I like that. Megan makes me laugh and we have a good time catching up and just talking about the day. I don't get to see her that much either. But we have a lot more in common. We talk about work, school, boyfriends, gossip, etc., lol.I could never forget to mention Trenton. Who knew that when we used to tease him when he was trading pokemon cards in middle school that one day he would be my best friend. He's so silly. We live together and I don't think that I could have a better roommate. I absolutely adore him. I know I act sort of like a mother figure to him sometimes but he is dependent sometimes like a child lol. And because I want him to find an amazing girlfriend that will adore him as much as I do for all of his coolness haha. That is what he deserves. And he is a guy, so I can still tell him a loto f things and he will call me out when I am being totally ridiculous. We are good for each other! Although I lack an unconditional best friend, I have a lot of friends still. I could not imagine myself disliking someone for the reasons that I did in high school. People could approach me with their insignificant nonsense or whatever it is they choose to bring up but I don't care about that. There are still people whose personalities I do not care for. But I don't think that anyone has ever seriously wronged me enough for me to carry that grudge throughout my life. I cannot imagine why anyone would over some of the petty things that have taken place in high school. I pray for the people that I don't care for or the people that don't care for me. Just because we don't click well does not make them bad people. It just makes them different. People such as Paige, Chelsie, Sarah, etc...I don't have really close relationships with but I still like them a lot. We've been through ridiculous irrelevant confrontations but those don't matter anymore. The occasional talks on the phone to catch up, hanging out every once in a while, and remembering silly past times makes me value our friendships more. Everyone that you spend time with helps to create who you are. And I am happy with who I am for the most part. I have people like them to thank for that. I still have a few kinks to work out. But being perfectly happy is difficult to come by. So I am grateful for the things that do make me happy and will still continue to strive to make everything great and to be a good friend to anyone that desires such from me.
I just once again need to say that my mother is my rock. I cannot imagine how someone that has put up with so much from me at the worst times in my life is still there for me as much as she is.I know that is what mother's are for but she is the greatest. She will do anything for me. Absolutely anything. I love and respect her for that. She would not dare let me suffer if I ever need her. She is the best person in my life. And when the time comes I will do everything that I can to take care of her the way that she has taken care of me. I love her so much.
I think that is about sums me up for now.
My family. Well my parents and I have grown into a better relationship. My mother is probably the greatest person in my life although we both do things that the other disapproves of. Some of the characteristics that I have inherited from her are things that I want to change about myself. Yet, there are also some things that I get from her that I admire. Like how giving she is. She will help anyone she loves in any time of need. I love being that way. I love being able to help someone when they need me. It makes me feel like things that I have done to disappoint myself and others kind of cancel out. My dad and I are never going to change. But the more time I spend apart from him, the more he appreciates me when he does have me around. It's sad but true. My sister and I are always in totally different worlds. She is doing all the wrong things. Which, I cannot lie I did a lot of those things when I was her age. But she is a lot further behind in life than I was at that age. She is very lazy towards school and I don't think she realizes how much she is going to regret that in the future. I just want her to grow up and see the light before she ends up in a situation that could change her life forever. She's my mini me. She's my little sister. I want the best for her. My brother is still married. Lol, I guess that isn't supposed to be a surprise. I do not get to see or talk to him very often since we both work a lot. I miss how close we were. I miss it so much it hurts. I've realized that no matter how much I dislike her for her ways if she makes him happy I should just take that and run with it. So I started being nice to her. She still wants to talk about what has happened in the past but I think we should start fresh. BUT, I have come to the conclusion that there is no way to avoid talking about it if that is what she wants. Therefore, I am just going to sit her down and approach the situation is the most casual way possible and let her know exactly how I feel as of now. I really don't care about her, but I will comply with her wishes because my brother and I's relationship is very important to me. When he got angry with me around Christmas it really broke my heart. I am not that close to Danielle and Nikki and I have my father to thank for that ( my real dad ). He is crazy. That is one person that has yet to prove that they have the slightest sign of a conscience. I keep in touch with them though and maybe when we are all adults we can work on having a better relationship. And I love my grandparents to death. My grandmother is such a sweetheart. And I love spending time with the children. Especially Rileigh because she's so little and adorable. But the grown ones are just as fun. People in my family that feel they have just let everyone down time and time and again I have always shunned completely and never felt sorry for. I am beginning to feel like I should be approaching them more positively. I am speaking of one person in particular. If everyone treats someone like they are nothing but a "fuck up" they begin to believe it as well and I just can't imagine how alone she must feel. So I let her know that I am on stand by if she ever needs a friend. That's what family is for. Seth is in the hospital again. I am going to go and see him this weekend. I don't want to give up on him, no matter how many results are given that cause us to lose hope. I still pray for him every night. He is just a child. He deserves to be able to experience the world. I want him to grow up. I want him to go to school. I want him to have kindergarten girlfriends with cooties. I want him to tell me what he wants to be when he grows up. I want to see him go to prom and graduate. I want to see the look in his eyes when he first falls in love. I want everything for him. Yet I feel like I can give him nothing. The less people give the less chances he has. He's my little angel. I want him to live. I have been keeping in touch with my cousin Star lately. She was my childhood sister. I cannot imagine how bored I would've been if she weren't always there beside me. I'm grateful for that. So many things are going on, I feel like I am missing out by living here for college although I am not that far away. I cannot imagine people who want to go to college far away just for the SAKE of getting away. Have you no roots? Have you no values? Why would you not want to spend as much time with the people who share the most with you while you still can?
School. School is the same as it has always been. I am not sure if I have a legitimate reason to having done so poorly in college so far. I know I have the potential. I need more discipline. I need a wake up call. I need someone to support, motivate, and challenge me. I want to do better. I think that having this job has put me back into responsibility mode. For a while I just neglected everything. There are consequences for that and I have faced them. I have been given so many chances by everyone to improve myself. I am grateful for that as well. I am glad that people believe in me enough to accept my mistakes and allow me to overcome them. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given. I have a lot of catching up to do, but I am prepared to work hard. I don't want Jordy to go to graduate school without me. What if he decides to go out of state? I won't have that opportunity if I'm not ready to leave. I will miss out on all the goodness! I know that I have what it takes. I am just a mess sometimes. I have allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable at times and have used that as my excuse to shut everything out. But my life has greatly improved and I don't have any reason not to make things happen for myself. I am sticking with Psychology. I like it and it will never lose my interest. The mind changes everyday. I wish that I could follow the thoughts of someone else's mind rather than my own. I think that will be a project for my dissertation if I get a PhD. I am going to have someone keep a journal about their lives. It will be similar to this one. I want to document what they feel and how they approach situations and HOW those aspects change given certain experiences. I also love Italian. I cannot wait to go to Italy so that I can soak up all the experience I need to be fluent in the language. It's so exciting to me to become part of another culture. I want to experience all of it's history. Just thinking about it makes me excited. I want to be a well-rounded person.
Work. I'm so glad that I have this job. I truly care about the people that I work for and it is important to me that I do what is expected of me because they believe in me. They chose me out of more qualified applicants and I have become a valuable resource to my company. God gives me so many chances to prove myself. I think it is about time that I start doing that. I am in a very comfortable environment and the people here appreciate what I do. They are also very understanding of my other priorities and obligations. It's a good place to be. Not to mention I make great money for the work that I do. I am very lucky.
Boyfriend. I always go on and on about my boyfriend. But there is not a day that goes by that I do not constantly value every single moment that he is mine. When I wrecked my car, he was there for me the entire time promising that everything would be fine and vowing to do anything to help me out. He made me forget all about what a horrible situation it is. Everything that I have ever been through waiting for Jordy was worth it. Every single tear that I have cried has all been worth it. I cannot imagine my life without him. We have so much in common and we have so many plans together. Just to do things that we both want to do. We're going to go to Europe together. We like to go site seeing together. We like most of the same things. But we're still not freakishly a like. That is refreshing. And his family treats me like I'm one of their own. I love that! I love how this kiss and hug every time they see you. I love how they always inquire about me when he's on the phone with them. They are the stable, normal family that I never had I guess. They're just different from my family. They're closer. I like that. I like being part of that. I like that they like me. They can be a tough crowd when it comes to the relationships that their children have. It makes them happy that I make him happy. And that makes me happy to know that they see that. I love it!
Friends. I have grown apart from a lot of people. I think I just got tired of a lot of the things I was doing and the things that were going on. Also, a lot of people went down the wrong path and I tried to stop them but when they didn't listen...I just trusted that I would not allow myself to do the same. Ashley for instance, I mean she was doing some things that I didn't approve of. I know that we are not as close anymore. But it's not because I have a boyfriend and I would rather be around him than my friends. It is because we just don't like the same things anymore. We don't do the same things and we don't hang out w/ the same people and that is sad but there are very few things that I can do about that. I still love her as a person and I like hanging out with her but there aren't many chances that I get to do things with her that we both want to do. Also, we can't just hang out like we used to because there are always 5 or 10 other people around. And I don't like being Ashley's friend in some creepy way to where I want her all to myself. But we had more fun when it was just the two of us rather than 293847 of us. I want to do something raunchy like go to the keg and get super wasted and sing loudly on the ride home and piss off her neighbors when we get back because we're STILL sitting in the car and singing loudly! We never judged each other. I think that is what I liked most about our friendship. We're both laid back so we don't have silly insignificant arguments. We just hang out. It's fun, and it doesn't take a lot to entertain us, lol. Things have just changed so much since high school. I am starting to accept changes more than I used to. I am better about it. I guess it's part of growing up. I don't like losing people but I find that it is inevitable. I don't want to be one of those people that only has her boyfriend. I mean, I love my boyfriend to death but it's not healthy for anyone to seclude themselves and wrap their life around one person. Megan and I still talk everyday. I like that. Megan makes me laugh and we have a good time catching up and just talking about the day. I don't get to see her that much either. But we have a lot more in common. We talk about work, school, boyfriends, gossip, etc., lol.I could never forget to mention Trenton. Who knew that when we used to tease him when he was trading pokemon cards in middle school that one day he would be my best friend. He's so silly. We live together and I don't think that I could have a better roommate. I absolutely adore him. I know I act sort of like a mother figure to him sometimes but he is dependent sometimes like a child lol. And because I want him to find an amazing girlfriend that will adore him as much as I do for all of his coolness haha. That is what he deserves. And he is a guy, so I can still tell him a loto f things and he will call me out when I am being totally ridiculous. We are good for each other! Although I lack an unconditional best friend, I have a lot of friends still. I could not imagine myself disliking someone for the reasons that I did in high school. People could approach me with their insignificant nonsense or whatever it is they choose to bring up but I don't care about that. There are still people whose personalities I do not care for. But I don't think that anyone has ever seriously wronged me enough for me to carry that grudge throughout my life. I cannot imagine why anyone would over some of the petty things that have taken place in high school. I pray for the people that I don't care for or the people that don't care for me. Just because we don't click well does not make them bad people. It just makes them different. People such as Paige, Chelsie, Sarah, etc...I don't have really close relationships with but I still like them a lot. We've been through ridiculous irrelevant confrontations but those don't matter anymore. The occasional talks on the phone to catch up, hanging out every once in a while, and remembering silly past times makes me value our friendships more. Everyone that you spend time with helps to create who you are. And I am happy with who I am for the most part. I have people like them to thank for that. I still have a few kinks to work out. But being perfectly happy is difficult to come by. So I am grateful for the things that do make me happy and will still continue to strive to make everything great and to be a good friend to anyone that desires such from me.
I just once again need to say that my mother is my rock. I cannot imagine how someone that has put up with so much from me at the worst times in my life is still there for me as much as she is.I know that is what mother's are for but she is the greatest. She will do anything for me. Absolutely anything. I love and respect her for that. She would not dare let me suffer if I ever need her. She is the best person in my life. And when the time comes I will do everything that I can to take care of her the way that she has taken care of me. I love her so much.
I think that is about sums me up for now.