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They say still waters run deep. Maybe that's why I sometimes abruptly and uncontrollably let out all the tears when drunk that I can't when I'm sober, even if I want to.
Will is a poor very confused boy, disowned by his parents for being gay, which both Dustin and I feel they and other such parents earn a special place in Hell for, and feeling like he's a failure because he's watched his teaching ambition go off track and his grades crumble, in eerie similarity to how I feel about myself. He is intensely close friends with Greg, because apart from basically his surrogate brother Greg, he has no family in any real sense of the word and told me tonight that if it wasn't for Greg, he wouldn't be alive right now.
He is also under the impression that both Dustin and I like him. He has, from what I've seen, truly abysmal self-esteem and isn't used to feeling wanted by anyone, and the social stigma attached to stds like herpes makes him even more so. He finds it almost beyond his comprehension that not one, but two people, both of whom know he has herpes, still want him anyway, for himself. This has also led to him feeling torn between myself and Dustin and not knowing what to do and not wanting to hurt anyone.
Tonight was a night of the secret conversations and drama that goes on so much in our house that I so dislike, where various pairings of two people head upstairs behind the closed door of someone's bedroom and discuss the "situation" involving themselves and/or one of the rest of us. I can't say too much, though, because I do the same thing.
Apparently Robbie also thinks Dustin has competing designs with myself on poor conflicted Will, because I walked in on the tail-end of a conversation where Robbie was telling Will that Dustin "steam rolls" me because I lie down for it, but Robbie won't, and told Will not to be a douchebag and hurt me. Later before Robbie went to bed, Will went back into his bedroom and they had another chat I admit to eavesdropping on, where Robbie said something about Will "disrupting the peace of the house" by being at the center of this real or imagined love triangle. I'm a bit annoyed with Robbie for being his usual searingly blunt self, partly because someone with as terrible self-esteem as Will takes such things straight to heart, partly because it's Robbie doing his usual thing of playing the "Mom" in our little makeshift family arrangement, and I feel that Dustin and I can manage our own situations.
But at the same time, I appreciate the sentiment behind it. Those of us who know Robbie well enough, like both myself and Dustin, know his cold-hearted bitch persona is his shield, that he cares more than he would ever admit to anyone, and that he has an almost paternal instinct toward protecting and taking care of the people around him. It's a little annoying at times, but we get used to it and forgive him his ways because we understand him, as I imagine he does for us. God knows I'm lucky to have people willing to tolerate me and even desire my company for reasons that are not exactly clear to myself.
Meanwhile, despite what Will and apparently Robbie thinks, Dustin told me that, while he admits to being physically attracted to Will, he wants to be friends with him more than anything else. Dustin says he'll have to have a talk with Will clearing things up. I also appraised Will of the cold, hard fact that Dustin has a tendency to cheat on his significant others and have other boys on the side, not out of an intention to turn him against Dustin or manipulate him into my corner, but because I don't want to see Will hurt by Dustin.
At the same time, don't take this to mean anything against Dustin. How he runs his relationships are his own business, I don't personally approve of it, but he's a very caring friend.
Will was going to sleep in my bed tonight, but after the last talk with Robbie, he took Robbie's advice and maintained his neutrality, making a commitment to neither party, by sleeping on the futon downstairs (the increasingly seldom-seen Alice was out for the night). After a long talk with him while we cuddled on my bed and he told me what a great guy I am which I have a hard time believing and told me not to cry, ironic as he was the one on the verge of tears, he went to bed. He is deciding to go very slowly and get to know me better and just see where things go. So I guess for the time being, we are friends. Although we did kiss several times, including as a good night kiss. My lips still taste like his liberally-applied chapstick as I'm typing this.
Slightly drunk and feeling my emotions closer to the surface as is sometimes a side effect, I got on Facebook, where Dustin had just posted:
It's not the action or event of death we should fear but being without the love of our Lord. P.S. I love my family and would do anything for any of them, if I have ever called you a brother, cousin, mother, dad sister to you I pray the Lord lights your path because as the song goes - Life is sweeter on the other side.
In my sentimental drunken state, this moved me, and I posted in response:
We have the weirdest atmosphere and family dynamic in this house. Sometimes I think we (you, me, and Robbie) poison each other with our insecurities and jealousies and drama and yet sometimes I think you guys are the only thing holding my head above water. I'm slightly drunk and falling asleep, so this might be a little melodramatic rambling.
Not 30 seconds later, Dustin responded:
come here for a hug!
So I traipsed the whole, ya know, six inches or so from my door into Dustin's door and said hug occurred. I'm truthfully not yet invested enough in Will to be heartbroken or anything, so I don't know exactly why I started uncontrollably crying. Maybe I just hold so much in normally, every day, day in and day out, and show so little emotion, that getting drunk or made vulnerable in some way makes the dam open and it all spills out at once. I confided one of my biggest insecurities: that I'm the oldest person in the house and sometimes paradoxically feel the most like a little kid, having the least life experience and relationship experience and just generally sometimes feeling so alone. And herein lies the reason why I cannot hold anything against Dustin ever, as he held me in his arms for ten minutes while I cried like a little kid for no reason at all that I could put a name to. It wasn't about Will, it wasn't about being homesick, it wasn't about the stressful day I had at work. Maybe it was just drink and tiredness and emotional repression all rolled into one, and I was crying because I don't do it enough. It occurred to me that it was probably the first time Dustin had ever seen me cry, and most of my friends have never seen me cry, and in a way that makes me sad, because I wish I could be more outwardly emotional with people.
I said it. "I love you". Dustin kissed my cheek and said "I love you too". First time we ever said it. Don't know why.
I need to go to bed.