(no subject)
So this is probably going to be one of the more serious and introspective posts I've made in a long time. As I write this I'm still trying to come to terms/ wrap my mind around a realization about myself.The critical time of my social development, Kindergarten through 10 grade (maybe?), was spent around one friend in particular. We've been in the same schools since Kindergarten (we went to a Catholic school so K-8 was spent in the same building with the same class), we went to the same high school and the same college. We shared the same friends, the same interests, life experiences and even similar family stuffs, we even share the same first name. And it is almost 100% his "fault" why I am that way I am. Why I am so quiet around people I don't know, why I feel retarded whe I try to make a joke, or when I talk or try to be interactive and why I'm so caustic when it comes talking about things I like or dislike. I spent most of my social development being his friend so I spent most of my time learning what makes him laugh, what he doesn't like and over time I took on that persona. I have trouble interactive, lets say with furs, because I never learned interaction outside of this one friend. I'm uncomfortable being around people when he isn't around because I don't have him to fall back on. If I'm in group 1 and he is in group 2, and I blow things with group 1 I always had group 2 to fall back on. Not so at fur cons both national and local. I feel like I need to start over from the begining and rebuild my social structure. He will always be my best friend but since he moved 3 hours away I don't need that type of social structure any more. I need to find "myself". I've spent 19 years being "bob's" friend and nothing more. This could explain why I feel so fake and transparent when I'm with people I don't know very well and why I'm afraid to speak up. This can also help to explain why I feel so inadiquet with sex. My group of friends growing up never talked about it. We made numerous, NUMEROUS jokes about it but even in college none of my friends talked about it. Eve the ones with girl/boy friends kept things to themselves. This might help to explain why I get so damn modest and slightly defensive when people take interest in me. It sounds silly, even down right stupid, but its how I feel. I need to beuild up social confidence that doesn't have this friend as its focal point. I need to find what I've been missing and what I never felt the need to develop.