the great thankful post
deep precious encouragement shows up in the most unusual places.
a have felt like i have been living in a pit lately; so far below the surface of regular people existence. one of the members at my church described a few sundays ago how he sometimes thinks of people as residing on a scale of happiness...with 10 being euphoric and 1 being horribly depressed. most people vary between maybe 4 and 8 on the scale, but he occassionally goes searching for negative 1. That's me!
i have been doing alot of thinking about my life. a review/reassessment. preparing to move this time has been much much harder than the previous moves or times i have gone overseas. this seems so final. one of the things about 'growing up' is that you see your options decreasing, and decisions that previously i would have made with excitement and abandon now seem to have much more serious consequences. I could decide to put off going back to school at 22. Now, knowing that I will be at least 32 before I start my next program, and knowing it will take the better part of 10 years to complete, I see the transient nature of our time here. i want that something that is greater...deeper...calming, fulfilling, exciting, compelling. i have prayed wracked with soul-pain for confirmation.
take, take 'til there's nothing
nothing to turn to
nothing when you get through
won't you break
scatter pieces of all i've been
bowing to all i've been
running to
where are you?
where are you?
did you leave me unbreakable?
leave me frozen?
i've never felt so cold
i thought you were silent
i thought you left me
for the wreckage and the waste
on an empty beach of faith
was it true?
yes, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
scream
deeper, i wanta scream
i want you to hear me
i want you to find me
i, i want to believe
but all i pray is wrong
and all i claim is gone
well, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
yeah, yeah
well, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?
i will probably not be returning to charlotte. and if i move away, it will probably be more than a days drive away (unless to DC) which substantially seperates me from most of the people i love.
additionally, this is the first time i have moved when i really don't want to - emotionally. i have had some anger lately that i am still making these kinds of decisions on my own. i feel like i am afloat on a sea with no anchor. (remember that imagery, it is pertinent later.) most of my friend, by my age, have spouses or significant others. most have children. they are tied to something, and even though the circumstances of their lives may change, they have a constant. i do have constants in my life. my family, who love me, for example. i also have long term friends that have stood the test of the decades. but these are not soulmates, not children, not financial security or the luxury to travel at will, or to return to school full time, or the other things of which i dream.
so, i pose the question about what one wants out of life to a few friends. it is always puzzling to me how people who seem to have what i think want don't seem to want to have it nearly as bad as i do. Human nature, eh? So I asked whether they would give it all up. One friend said "yes, for the right thing" (or something along that line.) what is the right thing??? what thing would make one willing to give up family, security, comfort?
i know the answer to this question! there are so many that i do not know the answer to, but this one, for me, this one I do!
because i have. i have found my one thing. i have sacrificed everything for it. i have hoisted this burden. i have taken up this cross. yes, it is a staggering weight. yes, i stumble under it. and in weak moments i complain and pout and grow angry and resentful. but, if i had to choose again, i would choose the same. i found my one thing. i have sacrificed all that i desire already. at this point it may or may not be handed back to me. but if i were asked, i could say whole-heartedly "yes, for the right thing, i would i would i would give it all up".
Hebrews 6:19
Valley Song Lyrics
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
(lyrics by jars of clay)
a have felt like i have been living in a pit lately; so far below the surface of regular people existence. one of the members at my church described a few sundays ago how he sometimes thinks of people as residing on a scale of happiness...with 10 being euphoric and 1 being horribly depressed. most people vary between maybe 4 and 8 on the scale, but he occassionally goes searching for negative 1. That's me!
i have been doing alot of thinking about my life. a review/reassessment. preparing to move this time has been much much harder than the previous moves or times i have gone overseas. this seems so final. one of the things about 'growing up' is that you see your options decreasing, and decisions that previously i would have made with excitement and abandon now seem to have much more serious consequences. I could decide to put off going back to school at 22. Now, knowing that I will be at least 32 before I start my next program, and knowing it will take the better part of 10 years to complete, I see the transient nature of our time here. i want that something that is greater...deeper...calming, fulfilling, exciting, compelling. i have prayed wracked with soul-pain for confirmation.
take, take 'til there's nothing
nothing to turn to
nothing when you get through
won't you break
scatter pieces of all i've been
bowing to all i've been
running to
where are you?
where are you?
did you leave me unbreakable?
leave me frozen?
i've never felt so cold
i thought you were silent
i thought you left me
for the wreckage and the waste
on an empty beach of faith
was it true?
yes, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
scream
deeper, i wanta scream
i want you to hear me
i want you to find me
i, i want to believe
but all i pray is wrong
and all i claim is gone
well, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
yeah, yeah
well, i, i got a question
i got a question
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?
i will probably not be returning to charlotte. and if i move away, it will probably be more than a days drive away (unless to DC) which substantially seperates me from most of the people i love.
additionally, this is the first time i have moved when i really don't want to - emotionally. i have had some anger lately that i am still making these kinds of decisions on my own. i feel like i am afloat on a sea with no anchor. (remember that imagery, it is pertinent later.) most of my friend, by my age, have spouses or significant others. most have children. they are tied to something, and even though the circumstances of their lives may change, they have a constant. i do have constants in my life. my family, who love me, for example. i also have long term friends that have stood the test of the decades. but these are not soulmates, not children, not financial security or the luxury to travel at will, or to return to school full time, or the other things of which i dream.
so, i pose the question about what one wants out of life to a few friends. it is always puzzling to me how people who seem to have what i think want don't seem to want to have it nearly as bad as i do. Human nature, eh? So I asked whether they would give it all up. One friend said "yes, for the right thing" (or something along that line.) what is the right thing??? what thing would make one willing to give up family, security, comfort?
i know the answer to this question! there are so many that i do not know the answer to, but this one, for me, this one I do!
because i have. i have found my one thing. i have sacrificed everything for it. i have hoisted this burden. i have taken up this cross. yes, it is a staggering weight. yes, i stumble under it. and in weak moments i complain and pout and grow angry and resentful. but, if i had to choose again, i would choose the same. i found my one thing. i have sacrificed all that i desire already. at this point it may or may not be handed back to me. but if i were asked, i could say whole-heartedly "yes, for the right thing, i would i would i would give it all up".
Hebrews 6:19
Valley Song Lyrics
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
(lyrics by jars of clay)