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1:15 PM 02/06/2007 Good Afternoon, Keyboard!
Needless to say, I didn't make it home last night. (Two of you out there knew I wasn't going to make it home.) As the night wore on and the outside temperature took another dive, my friend returned with some weird malt liquor beverage that looked exactly like beer. It was called "Elephant" and made by Carlsburg brewery (who'd have known they make malt?). So we spent a while talking and generally making our silly and/or sarcastic comments about eveything from the "pro-life" (more like "anti-birth-control") movement to our infamous President Bush and his silly policies. We were also amused that he brought back malt liquor. He felt fooled. I think by the time I finished my second bottle I was like "What the hell is in this crap? Is it spiked with vodka?" Needless to say, I didn't drink anymore after that. I was afraid of everything going black.
As the night wore on, I decided to simply crash there at my friend's house. I was in no mood to walk back in the arctic weather. This morning (closer to 11am, actually) I woke up and looked out the window and it was snowing. Yes, SNOWING. We haven't had anything but a light dusting since middle December. I walked back in this snow and it was glorious. It seemed like the six block walk went on forever. And I wasn't freezing at all. (Maybe because I had on the requisite layers of clothing that is traditional for midwestern winters.) I felt renewed on this walk. When I finally made it back, I was covered in snow. It was exciting.
Some of you may be reading this (and I am assuming a lot here, right?) and thinking, why doesn't this blogger right about the personal spreck he's going through right now? This is because I have communicated that already in messages to a couple of you and one of you actually helped me immensely to deal with the inner circus last night. I am not one for writing about stuff like that while it's still raw in a blog for everyone to see....unless I can turn it around and make it something of merit. Although, there are times, here and there, where I do say something in this blog I may later think "Why TF did I write that?"
The song I have now chosen for my myspace profile is a succint summation of this inner circus, at least in an oblique way. I wonder how sad it could be that I have to reach back into a song from over twenty years ago (an "oldie") for the mood. Well, I wanted to switch the song back to the NRA's "XYZ" which actually fits the mood better now, but their add function is disabled...so you all get to listen to Black Flag's "My War" for the time being.
Here's personal: I have this huge scab just off my right shin from where I received a most painful scraping injury from some "horsing around" that got a little physical saturday before last. Horsing around? WTF? I am not a horse. And I learned that lesson. Hell, it beat playing pool on the crappy table at the Spoke. (A local Chicago bar with motorcycles and stuff outside. Thus "Twisted Spoke," it's full name. I believe one of the bikes has a skeleton riding it...but confirm that for yourselves. Sometimes I see what I want to see and it may not be what's really or supposed to be really there.) Anyway, this scab is getting itchy. I'd pick it off, but it would take a while and I'd rather not. I'm not a kid anymore. Though I do like my inner child.
That pool table deserves comment. (It is the second worst table in all of Chicago.) You are lucky if when you pop the quarters in, all the balls actually come out to be set. That's one issue. Then there is the insane imbalance where all the balls sort of drift to one side. Don't even get me started on sometimes lack of cue ball. They need to fix that table, but then again, why? It only contributes to the conviviality of the place. What matters is that I suck at pool.
Bowling is another matter altogether.
It's still snowing.
This reminds me of a time a few years back when I had gotten off work (then I was waiting tables at a crazy restaurant) and fell into my former local, the Oasis. It was a night of heavy snowing. Like a blizzard, but with no wind. I met a friend there and we drank a few beers while generally discussing the world's problems and pretending we could have insights into them. When I made it back home and was sitting on the floor, my brain must have flipped a circuit because my peripheral vision was still playing the snowfall. So, it was like being inside and watching snow falling indoors. That was something weird. I hadn't realized I was THAT tired until that happened. Exhaustion does funny things to perception. And I do have problems sometimes with not knowing when I should take it easy and rest or sleep. Today, everything appears to be in good working order with my perception, so I guess I have rested enough these past few days. (What? Like you need drugs to hallucinate? All I need is sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation carried over days...it's cheaper too.)
2:02 PM 02/06/2007 Nothing:
Today is a nothing day. I am waiting around for calls. No assignments and no errands. Just sitting here writing and watching the snow fall. Maybe I should write haiku or something appropriately silly for a silly do-nothing day. Wow! Look at that. Ths sun peeked out for a half minute. I think the sun is doing that for fun, sort of like a taunt, because it certainly isn't making anything warmer outside. Like "Hahaha, suckers! Remember me?" Yeah, I remember the sun and now it doesn't seem like much, but I know in the summer, that sun will be like a microwave scorching everything below through the melted-butter humidity of a Chicago summer. (It'll be the annual war between air-conditioners and the sun that is wreaking havoc with local power supply.) I am supposedly a sufferer of SAD....it explains why I sometimes sleep before bothering to turn off my lamp. But I just figure that I'm supposed to feel this way during winter and I normally don't make much out of it. Apparently this explains much about me and my motivations during the winter season. But I won't be certain about it, if you promise me you won't either.
Today, it is rumored that the temp may get up to a whopping hot 10 degrees F. And by Thursday, we may even see 20 degrees. Wow. The fact that 20 now seems warm is a bit of a twist, isn't it?
3:09 PM 02/06/2007 Local Options:
I figured out finally that the reason why English spelling is so weird. It's so that the local inhabitants of any area can confuse the hell out of visitors. (Britain is a prime example of this.) For instance, the way New Yorkers pronounce Houston street: you're going to get some laughs if you pronounce it like that city in Texas. Or how Chicagoans say "Devon" (dee-VAHN). I always get a chuckle whenever some out of towner pronounces it "devin." Devin? This isn't England for gods' sakes. Hell, even the local pronunciation of the word Chicago is different from the way most people in the country say it. I love it when people from other countries make fun of our accents when we try to pronounce their names, and yet they say "Maryland" as if it were Merry Land. (Sorry, the word sounds exactly like the name Marilyn or "mair'lin", for those of you on other sides of ponds and such. I mean, you could leave the "d" on at the end, but that sounds a bit stiff or formal.)
And then there is the local word usage. If you ask for a soda in this city, people are going to think you're looking for something to dilute your gin with. (As in club soda.) The fuzzy bubbly crap from a can that rots out your teeth is known here as "pop." And since I am on the topic of Chicago, I want to state for the record that most local native-born and raised Chicagoans do not like the Cubs. It's genetics, I think. I mean, I concede it's possible for a Chicagoan to like the Cubs, like maybe if they grew up north of Devon street, up there in the hinterlands of Roger's Park. But the Cubs are a suburban thing. A Chicagoan who likes the Cubs didn't grow up here anywhere south of Devon....okay, I'll admit stretching that south to, say, Thorndale. And in the summer time, when Wrigley field gets packed with Cubs fans, some of you may get the impression that Cubs-dom stretches south to Belmont, but that's an illusion. Look at where those people go when they go home. This is a Sox town. Everyone I know in the northside who likes the Cubs is originally from the suburbs. As I always say to people when I find out they are going to Cubs game, "Why? If you just want to sit, drink beer and be bored, you can do that more easily in a bar." (And without the cover charge, I might add.)
It is also Bears town. People have been known to get chased out beyond the city limits for asking questions like "what's all the fuss?" when the Bears are on TV in most of the bars. Hell, sometimes, they've been run straight out of the three county area. (No, I don't count DuPage. It's Cook-Will-Kane, people.) That's like asking for a Coors in an Irish bar. Or like wearing a Packers jersey on the southside. Or like ordering a "wrap" instead of a burrito. Some things are just not done. It's still Bears town even though the Super Bowl was lost. Once Chicagoans finish burning Rex Grossman at the stake, the team will be able to get onto the Next Year kick of things. Maybe they'll pick a QB who doesn't like throwing passes right at the other team. It's okay, Manning (the QB for the Colts, in case you weren't following the Super Bowl, since I know some of you are communists) deserved to win since he's getting old and is one of the best QBs ever. I'd have much rather watched the Colts stomp on the Saints, but there was no way in hell the Bears would've let the Saints get to that point.
4:02 PM 02/06/2007
Holy crap! I have been sitting here writing for amost three hours. In my defense, a good sit-down was necessary. And I have nothing else to do today. I could read a novel, but I'm not in the mood for novels. Here's my favorite haiku:
"Hey! That's not haiku!
You're just counting syllables!
Stop that this instant!"
I could write my own, but maybe I am not up to the challenge right now. Maybe later.
10:20 PM 02/06/2007
The snow finally stopped a couple of hours ago. The temp in my area is 11f (we always have a little warmer temps here on the lakefront). The rest of the city is probably around 5 degrees f.
We didn't get a whole lot of snow, considering how long it kept falling, but there were traffic accidents everywhere.
I was able to meditate somewhat today, but I did eventually fall asleep, though I tried to remain aware of the process as I fell asleep. I am trying to maintain some awareness of the falling-asleep process. It's been a practice of mine for some time now. Some of you may know why I am doing this. The rest of you will think it's weird. So I'll stop blabbing on about it.
2:46 AM 02/07/2007 Late Late Poetry
breaking into tiny pieces
i think i'm no longer willing to pick any of them up
on the fast track to awakening at any cost
liberation sometimes comes in tears falling
why grasp an illusion any longer?
why not let the pieces lay where they have fallen?
in life's infinite continuity stream
there is no need for this 'self' project any longer
going to pieces and watching as they shatter
i don't know for sure
anything else but the direction
losing myself is a gift no matter
spinning around like a dog after its tail from trying to find it
i have ended up on my back in freezing cold snow
looking up at the natural great perfection of the sky
with that as my heart,
what need is there for the self?
disillusionment is an engine of freedom and bliss
the energy behind the tears
can be used like a slingshot propelling this life
to its fulfillment
every mistake resonates like a thousand cars crashing
shattered glass flying shimmering
like snowflakes under city lights pirouetting downward
every success mitigated by its transience
why grasp an illusion any longer?
water slips between my fingers as they grow distant
and now i just refuse to pick up any pieces of whatever fractures and falls
the less to carry, the better
is this for awakening's sake, or another excuse?
pieces shattered
maybe they were meant to end up exactly as that
since all that arises dissolves
better to shed the tears now and learn the lessons reality teaches
than to keep trying to cling to figments of imagination
no more bloodied fingers trying to pick up the tiny shards
10:39 AM 02/07/2007
Why TF did I write that? I should just delete it. I may just do so. For now, I'll pretend it's someone else's random collection of words. Sometimes I wonder if the difference between poetry and prose is in the line breaks, since imagery, metaphor, progression/direction and poise are now a hit or miss thing in literature of today...whether poetry or prose. Well, it could be worse, I could have attempted to write a Derrida-like piece of post-modern deconstructionist junk that poses as smart because it's written to not be understood in an attempt to express how hard understanding is. I am not a fan of post-modernism, whatever that is supposed to be. The joke is no longer funny once people get confused and start believing it's seriously supposed to mean something profound.
I could barely sleep last night, so I watched my process of consciousness in lieu of actual sleep. Of course, somehow, I ended up sleeping since everything went black eventually. I wonder if the dream yoga thing is just a joke that mentors pass off as a practice so they can get a laugh. "Haha! Look at these fools, trying to remain lucid!" It wouldn't be the first time nor the last that something in jest turns out to be accurate and insightful.
This morning it appears that there were traffic accidents everywhere again. Black ice, fresh snow, and cold. I know what you're thinking. "Why don't these people slow down?" But sometimes you can be going only ten mph and hit a spot of ice and no matter what you do, your car goes right into the next one, all attempts to brake or turn trumped by ice you never had a chance to see. The expressways are notorious for this problem.
Birth control issues - God is not a condom, people!
The pro-life movement is stretching itself a bit thin now, isn't it. I haven't before now really given thought to this, since I thought the debate was settled legally a while ago over birth control and reproductive rights. But as it turns out, pro-lifers (and what a marvelous bit of "non-speak" that name for themselves is, suggesting as it does that their opponents are 'anti-life') aren't happy with just rolling back the clock and banning abortion, they also are against birth control and contraceptives. I believe they'd rather have us all be married and only have sex for procreation and pray to God(tm) about the possibility of babies. Meantime, pro-lifers and their religious fanatic supporters have managed to paint all of us who believe in individual rights and freedom as immoral. And yet, when there are contraceptives and birth-control available for everyone, the need for the actual surgery of abortion declines drastically. You would think that "pro-lifers" would be chomping at the bit to get contraceptives and their knowledge out to the whole world. But no, they are against any interference with the 'natural, god-given processes." I suppose this means that such fools should no longer drive cars, use electric lighting, or eat food in plastic or canned containers now since all of these are unnatural, doesn't it?
God isn't going to prevent any pregnancies. I mean, I know He or She is supposed to be all-potent, but you'd think S/he would be a bit too busy to be getting involved in everyone's sexual activities. Just saying. I know the idea that adults have the right to choose for themselves when, how and for what reasons they'll have sex, bothers the pro-lifers and their religious cohorts. They want to force their religious-based "values" on everyone else in this society. They are not happy unless they can manipulate the rest of us into following their agenda, even while they say that the rest of us are trying to manipulate them. I don't know about you, but I don't care about them or their religious values and I'm not telling them what to do, because I recognize their right to live as they want to. So I won't stand for them trying to disrepect the rest of us by forcing their agenda down our throats.
If you are against abortion, the best way for you to ensure the procedure is unnecessary is to make sure people have access to, and are knowledgeable about, contraception and its various methods. You won't get far by trying to force everyone to become Christian and not have sex until marriage. That has never been an actual social norm in any event. Hell, even before the modern era, back when Christians were assaulting and killing each other over doctrinal disputes (sort of like today's Iraq and the war between Sunni and Shiite), many people didn't even get officially married. They simply shacked up...and perhaps, years later, if the parish priest came around, they'd get a ceremony and the birth of their children would be recorded. (And pre-modern European 'peasants' also practiced contraception, mostly post-conception abortifacient-type stuff...until the witch-hunts went after people for that - abortifacients were considered by the Inquisition to be witchcraft.)
I don't care about all the excuses pro-lifers use to justify their assertions and bad-science. Individual adults are the ones who must choose for themselves what sex means to them. It's not for anyone else to decide. And men, don't stick your head in the sand by thinking this is simply a women's issue. It is an issue that affects us all...our independence and individual choices to live life as we see fit is under threat by the "pro-life" (more accurately, the "anti-contraception") movement. This affects all of us, not just women, but men...and not just heteros (though contraception is more of a salient need for us), but homosexuals...hell, it even affects those who choose celibacy....since I can imagine that pro-lifers want us all to get married as soon as possible and to start having babies like rabbits. But the real reason isn't because of the abortion debate. It's because pro-lifers are backed by a huge religious fundamentalist movement that believes it has a mandate from God to gain control of our society and impose its values on everyone else. You don't think that could happen? It already is happening. Watch as it continues to happen. The fundies are well organized, they know about how to spin things, they also know it's not about the facts but about repetition...because sadly in this society, truthfulness is not as important as how many times you make the same assertion (whether true or false). They want us to live in a society where an individual who makes her own choice is seen as a satanic assault on their 'values.' They have no idea nor clue about how to live in a plural society where people from all backgrounds and faiths exist. Hell, if you don't believe what they believe in, they already think you're deceived.
Enough is enough, people. God is not a MFing condom, people. You can tell yourself that religious fundamentalists can never take control of society....just remember that the next time you go out to the local pharmacy to get your birth control pills, or condoms, and the employees refuse to sell them to you because of their religious beliefs. Why must we allow other people's religious beliefs to cause us to bend over backwards in feigned 'tolerance' while those same people are working to have their intolerance of the rest of us to become socially and legally enshrined. If you work in a pharmacy or hospital/clinic and your religion prevents you from fulfilling your duties, you should not work in such places. I can't work for someone and then suddenly decide I won't perform my duties because I am Buddhist....because from the start I choose jobs that will not cause me to break my vows. But neither am I out there trying to get everyone to agree with me or my values. But thank all gods we Buddhists don't have to worry about the pressure of a God who worries about our sexual activities or whether we figured out how many angels fit on a needle point. (Cheap shot, I know. But all of you out there reading this should know by now how often I cross that line. Sometimes, I don't even see the line.)
12:05 PM 02/07/2007 Since I am on This Train, May as Well Continue....
Why I don't swear on the Bible: I guess if I was a Christian, it would mean something to me. I guess I could even say that since I live in a society where Christianity has had a tremendous influence and thus I am familiar with it, I could just swear on the Bible for the sake of common understanding. But it would be a bit false and I do believe offensive to those who take that faith seriously for me to do so as well. Contrary to my tone above in the birth-control entry, I am not against religion, though I am against those who want to recreate society in their own religious image. (America was never a majority church-going Christian society until well into the 1930's, in case you didn't know that. Read your fricken Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson for starters. American democracy came from the Enlightenment/Rational movement, not from Christianity. That's why we have freedom of belief and freedom from belief.)
As a Buddhist, I don't know of a comparable situation for swearing myself to tell the truth in courts, etc, that most people do over a Bible. I mean I guess I could bring an image of the Buddha to court and swear before it. Or maybe a cherished and highly valued dharma text, such as the Diamond Sutra, to swear over. The last time I ever had to do such a thing, there were no Bibles. It was just 'raise your right hand' and I was sworn in. That was good enough for me, since truthfulness is not so difficult for me and anyway, I don't think that any true liar would be swayed by any vows, whether on something sacred or not.
Anyway, the fact that I have respect for the values that courts of law represent is enough for me to mean what I say truthfully.
I think that if Jesus came back, as millions of Christians here believe he soon will, the Fundamentalists would probably have him crucified. I mean, the guy spoke of personal spiritual freedom and 'grace' (something sorely lacking in today's contemporary American Fundamentalist movement) and went after the religious fundamentalists of his day. And look what they did to him.
Also, the whole "Satan" thing is getting to be a bit much. I wonder why so many fundamentalists are so worried over Satan, since God is supposed to be omnipotent. Again, what we know about Jesus is that he said that "what is unclean comes from inside." Translation: Human beings' own inner motivations are where you can find the source of "evil." I don't know where the whole Satan thing came from (maybe the Zoroastrians), but I suppose it worked out just fine for 80's Heavy Metal bands. Just look at Slayer...they made some good lyrical songs about the whole Satan thing.
Okay, time to get off this thought train. I have reached my stop.
1:39 PM 02/07/2007
Amharc anseo, a mháthairfhocar! Seo í mo theanga freisin, só ná bí ag troid liom faoi arís. Má ní mhaith leatsa, buail an bóthar agus go dtachta diabhail thú. Agus dheamhain atá mé ag meas fútsa. Tóg tú fhéin agus do dhiabhail is dháichead agus lig asam i m'aonar go feasta. Go raibh maith agat.