Oct 08, 2004 17:45
I'm having the most amazing conversation with Charlotte.
TrishTheDish321: its like living a lie
YouLoveCharlotte: well isn't life a lie?
TrishTheDish321: life is life
TrishTheDish321: too many people are looking to define it
YouLoveCharlotte: life is death
TrishTheDish321: its not meant to be defined
TrishTheDish321: no, its simply life
TrishTheDish321: and that implies nothing but that its life
YouLoveCharlotte: you're trying to define it even by just stating "it's like living a lie"\
TrishTheDish321: no Im searching for happiness
TrishTheDish321: not the meaning of life
YouLoveCharlotte: that it is something other than life
TrishTheDish321: I dont want to know the meaning of life
YouLoveCharlotte: that's saying there is happiness in life
TrishTheDish321: I think there is
YouLoveCharlotte: you're making happiness the maening of your life by devoting yourself to the search
TrishTheDish321: not the meaning of my life... jsut sorf of a project Im working on for my own well being
YouLoveCharlotte: well being toward an end
YouLoveCharlotte: well being being the end therefore the meaning
YouLoveCharlotte: the current purpose is well being and happiness, but what then?
TrishTheDish321: then perhaps love
TrishTheDish321: raising nonfucked up children
YouLoveCharlotte: the unhappiness comes from the explanation
TrishTheDish321: Im not looking for an explaination
YouLoveCharlotte: fucked up is how we veiw people
TrishTheDish321: I want my kids to look at themselves and say "well Im not perfect but I can live with who I am"
YouLoveCharlotte: no one is fucked up, they have problems that we or they consider problems
TrishTheDish321: I cant say that about myself
YouLoveCharlotte: because you don't find joy in yourself
TrishTheDish321: hence why Im searching for it
YouLoveCharlotte: you can't look at something little and completely petty and say, "wow, i'm awesome" for no damn good reason
YouLoveCharlotte: "i'm awesome because i put forth something"
TrishTheDish321: its not about me being awsome
TrishTheDish321: Its about other people
TrishTheDish321: I think it always has been
TrishTheDish321: I used to find happiness in my friends
TrishTheDish321: now I dont know where to turn
YouLoveCharlotte: but other people don't care enough, other people arnt always there, people are flaky
YouLoveCharlotte: if you can rely on yourself being happy for no real reason other than it's raining or you have shoes, or it's flip flop weather or your hair looks silly or just silly things
YouLoveCharlotte: like doing a project with some effort
TrishTheDish321: maybe they are but whats great about people is that somewhere somehow I know I will find at least one person that can look at me and be like shes a fuckin stress case with major issues and I LOVE HER because of it.
TrishTheDish321: thats beautiful
TrishTheDish321: happy because it rains
TrishTheDish321: not because of a memory
TrishTheDish321: just because it is rain
YouLoveCharlotte: i think it's i love her, no matter how terrible she thinks she is, but, that doesn't even make you happy
TrishTheDish321: thats beautiful
TrishTheDish321: I want rain to make me happy
YouLoveCharlotte: it was kinda fgoggy last night, almost rain like
TrishTheDish321: and maybe Ill find someone to love the rain with
YouLoveCharlotte: it made me so fucking happy, i was giggling
TrishTheDish321: not a word just dancing in the rain
TrishTheDish321: how beautiful would that be
YouLoveCharlotte: not even dancing
TrishTheDish321: that person I could love forever
YouLoveCharlotte: no action is needed, the actions are a bonus
TrishTheDish321: right not even dancing
TrishTheDish321: I want to feel the rain at least
YouLoveCharlotte: i could watch it and be content
YouLoveCharlotte: of course dark looming feelings are always there
YouLoveCharlotte: but i've learned to balance them
TrishTheDish321: balance is good
TrishTheDish321: Im not sure if I know how to
TrishTheDish321: but Im going to try
YouLoveCharlotte: and do you notice how when someone else is happy and smiling, you want to smile back
YouLoveCharlotte: and when they're being nice towards you it makes you happy?
TrishTheDish321: yeah actually I always thought it was conformity tho
TrishTheDish321: so I fought it
YouLoveCharlotte: just slow the roll on the negative comments and vibes and pick up the happy ones, the positive ones
YouLoveCharlotte: it's not, trust me
TrishTheDish321: what if u feel so overpowered by the bad that you cant find the good?
YouLoveCharlotte: no bad is so bad that it should have power to control you
TrishTheDish321: well like, thats why I cut, because I let it have power, I dont know how to not let it
YouLoveCharlotte: look to other things for solice, like doint work
TrishTheDish321: work doesnt intrest me
YouLoveCharlotte: know that there is someone else before who has felt horrible pain and it's not so bad, the world didn't end, sure things got shitty at points, but did it matter?
YouLoveCharlotte: people are people and all we do is live
YouLoveCharlotte: we can't control bad and good, and thats ok
YouLoveCharlotte: because bad and good is only what you want it to be
TrishTheDish321: we just hae such a lack of knowledge, its hard to think of life in terms of good and bad
YouLoveCharlotte: we don't need all the extra added things, knowledge is good, and useful, but wasteful as well
YouLoveCharlotte: all the positivity that comes from learning as detramental effects
TrishTheDish321: so its not smiling despite waht you feel, its smiling because you feel?
YouLoveCharlotte: in a way
YouLoveCharlotte: because you can be what you want, and it doesn't have to be accepted
TrishTheDish321: what if acceptance IS what makes you happy
YouLoveCharlotte: someone will like you and if that someone doesn't, there are billions of someones
YouLoveCharlotte: just start talking to everyone
TrishTheDish321: what if ur stuck on one someone
TrishTheDish321: and do talk to others
YouLoveCharlotte: no one is worth being stuck on
TrishTheDish321: but it keeps coming back to them no matter how badly you dont want it to
TrishTheDish321: and u know its not worth it
TrishTheDish321: and you still feel that way
YouLoveCharlotte: if they don't see the reason to be happy, then just be happy because you can feel what you want to about them
YouLoveCharlotte: just be positive
YouLoveCharlotte: it'll come back
YouLoveCharlotte: it's like one big ball of energy
rishTheDish321: thats amazing
TrishTheDish321: I've been looking at everything through the eyes of a someone I don't know
YouLoveCharlotte: what?
YouLoveCharlotte: huh?
TrishTheDish321: myself, being a stranger couldnt determine between smiling and frowning because it all felt like a mask
TrishTheDish321: but what ur saying is whats behind the mask is something I didn't think I had
TrishTheDish321: but could have...
YouLoveCharlotte: like you were trying to be something for someone else?
TrishTheDish321: maybe
TrishTheDish321: I'd like to think not because I wouldnt have much respect for that kind of person
YouLoveCharlotte: you have yourself, and that's enough and it's beautiful
TrishTheDish321: but the kind of happiness I was looking for was not in myself, it was in others
TrishTheDish321: I thought if I could make them happy, it would make me happy
YouLoveCharlotte: you can make them happy by being happy and just being a positive influence, but not pushing or trying to impress
TrishTheDish321: i think I understand that now
TrishTheDish321: But babe, I g2g pick up Joe soon
YouLoveCharlotte: you shouldn't worry too much about things that are out of your control, just influence by example and by being who you want
TrishTheDish321: thank you tho
YouLoveCharlotte: anytime, i hope i helped
TrishTheDish321: you did
YouLoveCharlotte: good, now take that smile out and about
TrishTheDish321: I will
I used to think Char had set opinions and no matter what anyone said, she HAD to be right. Its like, I THOUGHT I listened to people before. Now I think I really am, and Im much better off because of it.