And here I go again..
This is actually something I forgot I wrote and have just recently found....
November 7, 2005
Today was a very intense day. There was a lot of drama between me and… myself.
How can one little thing in your life lead you to think of so many other things? I remember one part of my life that is shit and I associate it with one thing or situation and end up enraged in the end and regretting that I ever existed. Why is it so difficult to just STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? Why can’t I tell my mind to stop and just be happy? Instead of Count whatever little blessings I have and move on with my life. Or even pretend that it doesn’t exist.
Let me give my reasoning, and please tell me what yours is.
This is what I think.
Have you ever heard the phrase; life is what you make it. Or - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade? It seems simple enough - but what if the only ingredient life gives you to make lemonade are a piece of twig and a teaspoon of sugar - what then can you make of life? Then it becomes a constant process in which you end up with the same twig and teaspoon of sugar - you become a great pessimist and always expect the lowest of low. I think that’s happened to me. It’s gone on for so long that even when people try to get me out of the hole I’m in - I think so negatively and just fall right back in.
Am I making any sense?
For example, my boyfriend of seven years has recently been given a job, and soon he’s going to have his own transportation. We argued today because I refused financial help from him because I am the type of person that thinks that receiving help is some sort of a burden on them. So, I ended up in tears and felt even more embarrassed of the fact that he was trying to help me. It’s almost as if I find myself unworthy of anything good- that my life is SUPPOSED to be bad.
So here I am now… a mess. But I’m trying to make myself think I deserve a good life - and I deserve to be happy. Does anyone feel the same, or has anyone been in the same situation?
Oi…
November 7, 2005
Today was a very intense day. There was a lot of drama between me and… myself.
How can one little thing in your life lead you to think of so many other things? I remember one part of my life that is shit and I associate it with one thing or situation and end up enraged in the end and regretting that I ever existed. Why is it so difficult to just STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? Why can’t I tell my mind to stop and just be happy? Instead of Count whatever little blessings I have and move on with my life. Or even pretend that it doesn’t exist.
Let me give my reasoning, and please tell me what yours is.
This is what I think.
Have you ever heard the phrase; life is what you make it. Or - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade? It seems simple enough - but what if the only ingredient life gives you to make lemonade are a piece of twig and a teaspoon of sugar - what then can you make of life? Then it becomes a constant process in which you end up with the same twig and teaspoon of sugar - you become a great pessimist and always expect the lowest of low. I think that’s happened to me. It’s gone on for so long that even when people try to get me out of the hole I’m in - I think so negatively and just fall right back in.
Am I making any sense?
For example, my boyfriend of seven years has recently been given a job, and soon he’s going to have his own transportation. We argued today because I refused financial help from him because I am the type of person that thinks that receiving help is some sort of a burden on them. So, I ended up in tears and felt even more embarrassed of the fact that he was trying to help me. It’s almost as if I find myself unworthy of anything good- that my life is SUPPOSED to be bad.
So here I am now… a mess. But I’m trying to make myself think I deserve a good life - and I deserve to be happy. Does anyone feel the same, or has anyone been in the same situation?
Oi…