to the future is a new jersan flight
i hate the way "the most diverse and most cultured" school in southwest florida wont except me because of my appearance. i think its pathetic when people cant be accepted into a certain learning facility or work place because of the way they look. what kind of shit is that? i just dont get it. so what am i supposed to do. ive been left with a decision to make and im so conflicted, i just cant decide what it is that would be best for me. i could lower myself to conformity and take out my lip ring and "those big ugly holes" in my ears and wear long sleeve shirts as to cover up my color scars, or i could say "the fuck with them" and get my general education diploma and go to ECC for 2 years and then transfer to a 4 year college and then move on to a medical school of my choice and from then on to a residential to study pshycology, hmmm after all that i would be well off by the time i was 29 oh damn that seems so far away but it also seems like the better thing to do. i shouldnt have to go through all of this bullshit with these damn public schools. i have a 3.9 gpa wich proves that i do my fucking work so i dont see what is the big problem with me attending their fucking schools. i think that teens are so unappreciated and they are deprived of so many things that they desire wether they be things that are needed or wanted for whatever reasons it doesnt even fucking matter and matter it shouldnt its simple things mostly. I say that if you say we shouldnt have this or do that because of this or that reason that you should shut the fuck up and let us make up our own minds and make our own decisions. let us learn from our mistakes, let us fall in love only to be broken hearted, let us stay up a little late and drink drinks with a high caffiene content so we can realize that it makes it harder for us to get up and go to school to learn the next morning. let us find out that we will get caught for driving later then our drivers liscence says we are allowed to. let us walk barefoot down the street after the rain so we can wash our feet before we step back in the house, let us realize that he or she isnt the greatest person to be around because of his or hers personality or other traits. let us see what its like to get up on our own even if it is a few minutes later that you would have woken us up. let us know that youll be there for us whenever we need your help because whatever reason. let us know that you will back us up for life. let us know who it was our father was sleeping with that fucked up your relationship, and this families life for whatever ever amount of life it actually did have. tell us that its not our fault he was a jerk of a father and a fuck up husband. dont hide this or that because your not sure if we can handle it because of that shit that has been hidden from us forcing us to be in rebellion just to find out things that we should be allowed to find out on our own and maybe with your help anyways. am i a rebel because i said "fuck this" and decided to find out on my own or was i just deprived because everything was hidden from me in the first place? why do people try to make growing up so hard. who was it that set the standards for letting people grow up. who set the time for when we learn that the tooth fairy is a fictional character, and what the hell did my mother do with all of my old teeth? i guess there isnt really certain standards and i know that everyones raises their children differently then their neighbors. my old neighbors gave their kids their flintstones vitamins every morning while my parents gave me prescription medication for what one doctors diagnoses that was copmletely different then anothers and i fucking wonder what the fuck. hey maybe it was all those damn medications that i took over the years causeing some fucked up chemical inbalance in my head making me rebell against everything that i encounter in "my teenage life". i dont even know how i got into this whole thing saying what i have been saying and im not so sure that it matters or that i even got any kind of message i could have wanted anyone to get across. im listening to thursday right now, and its funny how i know that some people would say shit about that. wether it be "i heard them before they went mtv" or "i like them the rock" i dont think it really fucking matters, i know that i enjoy listening to them and thats the only fucking thing that matters to me. im not sorry i cant name their last recorded cd but thats really not what fucking matters. and yes i know the fuxking lyrics to some of the songs by the all american rejects and i dont fucking regret it either i enjoy some of their songs too. ill wear my glasses one day and my mothers shirt the next and i dont give a fuck what any doctors diagnosis is, cause its not mine. its ok to have opinions in fact is more than ok i encourage it, opinions are all that i have been spewing out for the past however long ive been typing here. holy shit i love this sonf by thursday, but i cant think of the name im not sorry i couldnt be a a hard enough fan i think ill like them just as much as i want too. am i "emo"tional on the day i wear my glasses, but not on the day when i wear my mothers shirt but just happened to think of megan and cry about how i miss the way her cheeks looks so cute when she smiles while im on the way to work and pass by a place where i once saw her smile. i think i can be "emo"tional at any day anywhere no matter what im wearing or what time it may be in fact i think i just happened to be "emo"tional a good part of the time. im not afraid to say that i still love someone who broke up with me over year ago but i am sad to say that i once lied to her just to see if she still cared judging by her reaction to what i said. who am i to say something insulting or judgmental about someone i see wearing a marilyn manson shirt. i think i should hope that theyve truly found themselves and that they listen to what kind of music they want to and do exactly what it is in their hearts that they desire to the extent that their parents will let them. wich reminds me of my rebbellion in almost everything in wich that i do. not to be against my mother who i love so dearly and thank god for the fact that my actions and past decisions have not killed her because of their extremety. i dont think she could ever truly understand just how deeply i lover her but maybe except my apologies when i tell her im sorry for taking away my youth and forcing myself to grow up before she has decided what it is that i am actually ready for in my life, i love my mother she tries her best to take care of me and she does well in what i dont already take care of. there are so many things on my minf that i would love to cover other than hiding life from children and judging and being judged for who you are and whats in your life. i think that i have had too many girls in my life for my age its not really a judgment that have made for myself but a notice that i want to be with one person who i can really love more than a search and rescue crew to a stranded person on a deserted island with no means of anything to live off of. i love Megan more than the love that you hear in a coldplay song as so that is what they suggest it is that you will hear. i know that no matter what i will be there for her even if she is not there for me because i will never forget that she is the one who showed me what it was like to truly be happy what it was like to love and be loved other than a mothers love. i dont think that she could possibly be cruel enough to make me forget how loving she truly is. i have been through alot of things that people arent aware of. for my seventeen years of life i may say ive experianced more than usuall. from aggrivation to zen i have felt it. i have found that when you feel so much pain and heartache inside of yourself you cant feel the pain inflicted from when you punched through your graduation frame and cut your fist with the shattering glass. and there is no explanation for it.