all day long im underground. . .
edit:[3:23pm]......im home from school. today was okay. it started to rain on my way home. i stopped in wawa to get some food. bought more junk that i didnt need to consume. i feel sorta sick like i ate tooo much -_- besides getting lots of ims last night from people that i havent talked to. . .and comments back on this. i dunno what to write back saying. what would you like me to say? anyone? anyone? : /
highlights of today:
-seeing ryan at the end of breakfast.
-seeing ryan after 1st block.
-seeing ryan before 3rd block/*long hug* ()-: )
-seeing ryan at lunch (THATS 30 MINUTES PEOPLE!)
-walking with ryan to the 2nd half of 3rd/*hugs for me*
-seeing ryan before 4th block.
PERFECT DAY OF SCHOOOL<3. . .wait THATS EVERY SINGLE DAY : D
nobody knows how lucky i am<3<3<3<3 hes the greatest thing to EVER happen to me i swear! : D
i wish i could hang out with HIM today. . . but i dunno. well see. o_O
last night:
a lots been going on. i dont know how much im gonna write due to the fact ill blurr my vision thinking about it, if you know what i mean.
my house was sold on friday. how depressing. i asked my aunt when i could incinerate the sign, she laughed at me and gave me a hug.
wow, the first time anyone in my family has even cared about what i thought or had to say about this whole moving thing. . . . . . pffft yeah righhh.
each day passes and its a repeated cycle. i wish i did something with my life.
im so glad i applied to college!(im being totally facetious)
this week i got rejected from another one. it makes me feel. . .i duno. . . . like . . .like im stupid or something?.........like im not good enough for anyone? not even people in general?
i didnt tell anyone cause i didnt want them to look at me any less.
so i sorta left that out when anyone talked to me. -_-
but now you the eljay comunity knows. if you even read this shit.
so anyways.today was a waste juss like any other day that i sit in looking at this fucking monitor. waiting & waiting &waiting &waiting & for what. . . . . .?
.........im not gonna finish that thought.
sometimes i think, why would anyone ever wanna talk to me of all people? cause you know, people say there your freinds, but theres no communication. unless its in schoool, or you happen to run into them, or YOU; yourself IM them, . . . otherwise
it ='s nothing!
however, one person in particular is at her OWN level. you might know melanie;(and sorry to keep writing about ya, but i know you read this soooo yeah) but anyways she called me because of something she read in my away message.
now you might think thats lame. but for someone such as myself, THAT never gets phone calls like EVER. . . it was a blessing. and she talked to me, and made sure i was okay. . .cause i sorta wasnt at that time.
NOW THATS A REAL FREIND!............unlike some people that are my "friends"..........people can say whatever they want. but "actions are louder than words" and i dont care that i stole that catch cliche phrase.
i dont need to impress anyone anymore. . . the only person i have to impress is myself. i should stop caring about what other people think, and listen to my heart. iv been waiting for the day. . . .when this happens?. . .
it hasnt come yet : /. . . . . . .
these things that wont help me:
food.
-i wish i would stop turing to food as comfort. -_-
if im not eating due to loss of an appitite, im then eating up a bunch of unhealthy bullshit. . . eating this chicken fried rice wont help me. . .its only gonna give me a tummy ache if i eat the whole thing. or make me gain weight . . .slowly. ive eaten sooo much today everytime i got sad or something . . . .and i dont wanna do this anymore!
make-up.
-iv'e found that trying to hide my insecureness/self-esteem behind covergirl doesnt do anythnig cept make me feel worse. i wish i could juss look in the mirror and not see what i see.
i wanna stop tryiing to fix things that i think are wrong with me. most days i dont like what i see. . .in school i hold my head down. . . .but since i cut my hair, i cant really hide behind that anymore soooooo yeah.
writing.
-i've found that sometimes, but not all times. it doesnt help. recently. i have infact writtten entries then juss deleted them, cause i figured, who wants to read me babbling on and on about stupid shit? but maybe i should write again. cause the person i talk to the most isnt always there for me. but its okay. (but he's there "spiritually"). . .i know he has a life that doesnt revolve around me. and i dont wanna be selfish. . .but i mean, who doesnt like attention? or someone that will listen to them when times are bad?. . .mmmmmyeah.
comments.
-i used to comment soooo much and i found it pointless for people who never wrote back to me so i said fuck it, why bother. sometimes i dont like getting comments, so i guess i should get in the habit of putting that thing that blocks comments ON, if i can figure it out. its prolly not that hard, i juss am to stupid to look for it.
music.
-ive listened to the same cds over and over and i cant get happy from them. . . somedays i wake up and wonder why im even bothering to wake up and to go to school. i dunno. stupid thoughts i suppose.
tv.
-usually theres nothing on that i like anyways. i used to watch tv to pass the time. but it doesnt seem to help anymore, cause all i do is think about ryan.
meh........nip/tuck seriously needs to come back on the air.
school.
-school is juss another reminder of all the fake people that i see everyday. half of the people talk to me cause the TRUELY CARE ABOUT ME and are willing to say hi and hold a somewhat decent conversation. . . . the others are FAKE! &would rather say HI juss to come off as they sorta care whats going on in your life, when they really dont.
I HATE FAKE PEOPLE.
GET NEW PERSONATLLITIES:: ASAFP!@$&!#
family/(some)friends.
-my family doesnt care about what i have to say. i gave up a long time ago on that, & thats the reason why i even started writing in this stupid thing. some friends only talk to me when its most convenient for them. which is a fucking joke. you know what, JUST DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE! that will solve a whole bunch of problems. im done with the drama. im done reading about how he hates her and she doesnt like him cause he told her what she said. and blah blah blah.
this entry was one big vent. but what entry would be complete without peektures. i bet half of you that even comment on this, wont even read the entry, and juss click the peektures. thats how it always is, so thankyou, for making me feel . . .i dunno.
im tired of writing.
this is for anyone that commented on the last entry.
and there you have it.
highlights of today:
-seeing ryan at the end of breakfast.
-seeing ryan after 1st block.
-seeing ryan before 3rd block/*long hug* ()-: )
-seeing ryan at lunch (THATS 30 MINUTES PEOPLE!)
-walking with ryan to the 2nd half of 3rd/*hugs for me*
-seeing ryan before 4th block.
PERFECT DAY OF SCHOOOL<3. . .wait THATS EVERY SINGLE DAY : D
nobody knows how lucky i am<3<3<3<3 hes the greatest thing to EVER happen to me i swear! : D
i wish i could hang out with HIM today. . . but i dunno. well see. o_O
last night:
a lots been going on. i dont know how much im gonna write due to the fact ill blurr my vision thinking about it, if you know what i mean.
my house was sold on friday. how depressing. i asked my aunt when i could incinerate the sign, she laughed at me and gave me a hug.
wow, the first time anyone in my family has even cared about what i thought or had to say about this whole moving thing. . . . . . pffft yeah righhh.
each day passes and its a repeated cycle. i wish i did something with my life.
im so glad i applied to college!(im being totally facetious)
this week i got rejected from another one. it makes me feel. . .i duno. . . . like . . .like im stupid or something?.........like im not good enough for anyone? not even people in general?
i didnt tell anyone cause i didnt want them to look at me any less.
so i sorta left that out when anyone talked to me. -_-
but now you the eljay comunity knows. if you even read this shit.
so anyways.today was a waste juss like any other day that i sit in looking at this fucking monitor. waiting & waiting &waiting &waiting & for what. . . . . .?
.........im not gonna finish that thought.
sometimes i think, why would anyone ever wanna talk to me of all people? cause you know, people say there your freinds, but theres no communication. unless its in schoool, or you happen to run into them, or YOU; yourself IM them, . . . otherwise
it ='s nothing!
however, one person in particular is at her OWN level. you might know melanie;(and sorry to keep writing about ya, but i know you read this soooo yeah) but anyways she called me because of something she read in my away message.
now you might think thats lame. but for someone such as myself, THAT never gets phone calls like EVER. . . it was a blessing. and she talked to me, and made sure i was okay. . .cause i sorta wasnt at that time.
NOW THATS A REAL FREIND!............unlike some people that are my "friends"..........people can say whatever they want. but "actions are louder than words" and i dont care that i stole that catch cliche phrase.
i dont need to impress anyone anymore. . . the only person i have to impress is myself. i should stop caring about what other people think, and listen to my heart. iv been waiting for the day. . . .when this happens?. . .
it hasnt come yet : /. . . . . . .
these things that wont help me:
food.
-i wish i would stop turing to food as comfort. -_-
if im not eating due to loss of an appitite, im then eating up a bunch of unhealthy bullshit. . . eating this chicken fried rice wont help me. . .its only gonna give me a tummy ache if i eat the whole thing. or make me gain weight . . .slowly. ive eaten sooo much today everytime i got sad or something . . . .and i dont wanna do this anymore!
make-up.
-iv'e found that trying to hide my insecureness/self-esteem behind covergirl doesnt do anythnig cept make me feel worse. i wish i could juss look in the mirror and not see what i see.
i wanna stop tryiing to fix things that i think are wrong with me. most days i dont like what i see. . .in school i hold my head down. . . .but since i cut my hair, i cant really hide behind that anymore soooooo yeah.
writing.
-i've found that sometimes, but not all times. it doesnt help. recently. i have infact writtten entries then juss deleted them, cause i figured, who wants to read me babbling on and on about stupid shit? but maybe i should write again. cause the person i talk to the most isnt always there for me. but its okay. (but he's there "spiritually"). . .i know he has a life that doesnt revolve around me. and i dont wanna be selfish. . .but i mean, who doesnt like attention? or someone that will listen to them when times are bad?. . .mmmmmyeah.
comments.
-i used to comment soooo much and i found it pointless for people who never wrote back to me so i said fuck it, why bother. sometimes i dont like getting comments, so i guess i should get in the habit of putting that thing that blocks comments ON, if i can figure it out. its prolly not that hard, i juss am to stupid to look for it.
music.
-ive listened to the same cds over and over and i cant get happy from them. . . somedays i wake up and wonder why im even bothering to wake up and to go to school. i dunno. stupid thoughts i suppose.
tv.
-usually theres nothing on that i like anyways. i used to watch tv to pass the time. but it doesnt seem to help anymore, cause all i do is think about ryan.
meh........nip/tuck seriously needs to come back on the air.
school.
-school is juss another reminder of all the fake people that i see everyday. half of the people talk to me cause the TRUELY CARE ABOUT ME and are willing to say hi and hold a somewhat decent conversation. . . . the others are FAKE! &would rather say HI juss to come off as they sorta care whats going on in your life, when they really dont.
I HATE FAKE PEOPLE.
GET NEW PERSONATLLITIES:: ASAFP!@$&!#
family/(some)friends.
-my family doesnt care about what i have to say. i gave up a long time ago on that, & thats the reason why i even started writing in this stupid thing. some friends only talk to me when its most convenient for them. which is a fucking joke. you know what, JUST DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE! that will solve a whole bunch of problems. im done with the drama. im done reading about how he hates her and she doesnt like him cause he told her what she said. and blah blah blah.
this entry was one big vent. but what entry would be complete without peektures. i bet half of you that even comment on this, wont even read the entry, and juss click the peektures. thats how it always is, so thankyou, for making me feel . . .i dunno.
im tired of writing.
this is for anyone that commented on the last entry.
and there you have it.