i couldnt sleep. so i began to write
if i could write everything racing through my brain, it would be amazing.
ive been listening to: "letting the cables sleep" now for 25 minutes on repeat. i cant decide whether or not i like it better than the a perfect circle song: "gimmie". . .but what does it matter?
i've already let someone down. i promised i'd try to go to sleep at like 12:30. its now 4:10 am. and yet im stil awake. i feel like i could go jogging? or go do something productive like clean my room. or draw and color pictures. i luff coloring.
changing subjects.
alright. this weekend was terribly frightning. not in the sense that im afraid of something. its just that i was almost in a major car accident and died. no exaggeration whatsoever.. and when ur in those situations, its like, 'you see your life flash before your eyes' . . .dana was driving, my grandma in the right-passenger seat. me in the right back seat. a car almost completely side swiped the entire right side of the car. my sister swirved after my grandmas screaming. we cut across double yellow lines, to avoid being killed. and this was all on our way to my older sisters new house for a dinner. special right?.........but thank god, there were no cars on the other side of the road. or i dont know what would have happend.
anyways. we get to her house, i got the mans liscence plate. and i reported him. now it seems im prolly going to be called into court, and i have to testify against him. . . .court. ahhh geez. . . .just brings back MORE bad memories.when i was a kid, i had to go to court because it had to deal with my twin sister and myself and a custody battle over us. and i had to testify against my father about indisclosed things. that i will probably never ever say aloud, yet the thoughts race through my head. and it makes me want to break down and cry. but im gonna hold my head up. . . .
other things bothering me, since it seems i am gonna take the time to write this.
last week, wednesday, i had a dentist appointment. see i came home and wrote about it, and then some! wrote some really deep thoughts.inner thoughts. and it got ALL ERASED!........but yes. it was horrible. not only was i sposed to have a slight surgery on my mouth, but ther was no one there to talk to me about it. i had my mouth numbed, and the doctor walked away. i couldnt stop shaking and telling myself not to cry again like last time. see the last time, i was prefusely crying because i was angry i wasnt taken care of the way i was sposed to be, and now i have all these problems. if i had the chance and as child, i wish i woulda had braces or something. but i dont wanna get more upset talking about it again. next. . .
-4:18am-
looking out the window. the sky is pitch black. . .its cold. and i have the shivers. i cant help but keep looking around my house, and then knowing im not going to be living here anymore. its alright tho, cuz my grandma basically told me we were moving when she said, "you and dana need to clean your rooms, for when the realator comes to appraise the house!!!!"........geeee. thanx for talking to us about this. its kinda important. but shes gonna be nice. and wait til june to move. ha. fucking joke. im either going to be living in clifton heights at my aunts, which i absolutely dont wanna do or i have been contemplating living at my older sisters even tho, i know i had tons of hate entrys about her. shes gotten slightly better since i dont see her on a daily basis. if i were to live with her, id be living a half hour from here in norristown. . .
i really dont wanna think about whats going to happen to me, yet i keep reading about everyone and they all keep saying the same thing, "senior year, i wish it was last year again, i wish it was like old times". . . .well you know what, now everythings fucked up. and i dont know why. . .i actually DONT wish it was last year. im at the same place i was. im yet again: sad. lonely. depressed. upset. worried. antisocial.with my head-down. and an insomniac stilll. last year i really had no friends except denise. and now i have freinds, yet i dont talk to any of them anymore. i dont understand that. maybe its me. maybe im the one thats fuckup, cuz i dont wanna call people anymore. i always have to worry. "oh, well she doesnt like her, so i cant hang out with both people. and she got in a fight with her. and blah blah blah."
for a long time i blamed myself for problems i have in my life and the way things are . . . and i guess i still do. i was told tonight to stop thinking: im "bothering" when i speak. i guess tahts why i dont talk to people as much. i dont wanna be of annoyance to anyone anymore. so my solution was to stop talking. as for people in general. i wonder why ive never dated anyone. maybe its becuase i have insecurity issues with myself bigtime. i cant take a compliment to save my life. i dont like when people are affectionate towards me with hugs. i dont think hugs solve anything. i think they are bullshit. "hey lets hug, everythings gonna be all better" i dont think so. fuck hugs. and as for trying to work onmyself and my self esteem, i dont think with all the make-up i wear, wont help. thats just me being more insecure, by covering my face. like you know? metephorically speaking. like i wear a mask? to hide myself. i dunno.i think about these things all the time. yet i dont want your pitty. im not lookng for anything. im jsut getting some shit off my chest. i knwo people will be like. "aww ur beutiful. and whatev" but that just makes me feel worse. so please. no thankyou. i appreciate it. but yeh. now i just sound like an asshole. thats a good way to fall asleep, thinking ur an asshole. simply amazing.
"silence is not the way, we need to talk about it"
i should really TRY to go to sleep after this.
ive re-read this thing 3 times and all i wanna do do is ctrl+alt+del [y][o][u].
ive been listening to: "letting the cables sleep" now for 25 minutes on repeat. i cant decide whether or not i like it better than the a perfect circle song: "gimmie". . .but what does it matter?
i've already let someone down. i promised i'd try to go to sleep at like 12:30. its now 4:10 am. and yet im stil awake. i feel like i could go jogging? or go do something productive like clean my room. or draw and color pictures. i luff coloring.
changing subjects.
alright. this weekend was terribly frightning. not in the sense that im afraid of something. its just that i was almost in a major car accident and died. no exaggeration whatsoever.. and when ur in those situations, its like, 'you see your life flash before your eyes' . . .dana was driving, my grandma in the right-passenger seat. me in the right back seat. a car almost completely side swiped the entire right side of the car. my sister swirved after my grandmas screaming. we cut across double yellow lines, to avoid being killed. and this was all on our way to my older sisters new house for a dinner. special right?.........but thank god, there were no cars on the other side of the road. or i dont know what would have happend.
anyways. we get to her house, i got the mans liscence plate. and i reported him. now it seems im prolly going to be called into court, and i have to testify against him. . . .court. ahhh geez. . . .just brings back MORE bad memories.when i was a kid, i had to go to court because it had to deal with my twin sister and myself and a custody battle over us. and i had to testify against my father about indisclosed things. that i will probably never ever say aloud, yet the thoughts race through my head. and it makes me want to break down and cry. but im gonna hold my head up. . . .
other things bothering me, since it seems i am gonna take the time to write this.
last week, wednesday, i had a dentist appointment. see i came home and wrote about it, and then some! wrote some really deep thoughts.inner thoughts. and it got ALL ERASED!........but yes. it was horrible. not only was i sposed to have a slight surgery on my mouth, but ther was no one there to talk to me about it. i had my mouth numbed, and the doctor walked away. i couldnt stop shaking and telling myself not to cry again like last time. see the last time, i was prefusely crying because i was angry i wasnt taken care of the way i was sposed to be, and now i have all these problems. if i had the chance and as child, i wish i woulda had braces or something. but i dont wanna get more upset talking about it again. next. . .
-4:18am-
looking out the window. the sky is pitch black. . .its cold. and i have the shivers. i cant help but keep looking around my house, and then knowing im not going to be living here anymore. its alright tho, cuz my grandma basically told me we were moving when she said, "you and dana need to clean your rooms, for when the realator comes to appraise the house!!!!"........geeee. thanx for talking to us about this. its kinda important. but shes gonna be nice. and wait til june to move. ha. fucking joke. im either going to be living in clifton heights at my aunts, which i absolutely dont wanna do or i have been contemplating living at my older sisters even tho, i know i had tons of hate entrys about her. shes gotten slightly better since i dont see her on a daily basis. if i were to live with her, id be living a half hour from here in norristown. . .
i really dont wanna think about whats going to happen to me, yet i keep reading about everyone and they all keep saying the same thing, "senior year, i wish it was last year again, i wish it was like old times". . . .well you know what, now everythings fucked up. and i dont know why. . .i actually DONT wish it was last year. im at the same place i was. im yet again: sad. lonely. depressed. upset. worried. antisocial.with my head-down. and an insomniac stilll. last year i really had no friends except denise. and now i have freinds, yet i dont talk to any of them anymore. i dont understand that. maybe its me. maybe im the one thats fuckup, cuz i dont wanna call people anymore. i always have to worry. "oh, well she doesnt like her, so i cant hang out with both people. and she got in a fight with her. and blah blah blah."
for a long time i blamed myself for problems i have in my life and the way things are . . . and i guess i still do. i was told tonight to stop thinking: im "bothering" when i speak. i guess tahts why i dont talk to people as much. i dont wanna be of annoyance to anyone anymore. so my solution was to stop talking. as for people in general. i wonder why ive never dated anyone. maybe its becuase i have insecurity issues with myself bigtime. i cant take a compliment to save my life. i dont like when people are affectionate towards me with hugs. i dont think hugs solve anything. i think they are bullshit. "hey lets hug, everythings gonna be all better" i dont think so. fuck hugs. and as for trying to work onmyself and my self esteem, i dont think with all the make-up i wear, wont help. thats just me being more insecure, by covering my face. like you know? metephorically speaking. like i wear a mask? to hide myself. i dunno.i think about these things all the time. yet i dont want your pitty. im not lookng for anything. im jsut getting some shit off my chest. i knwo people will be like. "aww ur beutiful. and whatev" but that just makes me feel worse. so please. no thankyou. i appreciate it. but yeh. now i just sound like an asshole. thats a good way to fall asleep, thinking ur an asshole. simply amazing.
"silence is not the way, we need to talk about it"
i should really TRY to go to sleep after this.
ive re-read this thing 3 times and all i wanna do do is ctrl+alt+del [y][o][u].