Right where it belongs...
If any of you come to read my journal, and not just your friends page, you may have noticed that my entries have disappeared. If you haven't, trust me, they have. Took me like eight hours to go through and do that last night. I have decided to close down this journal. I started it on August 13, 2004 (A Friday the 13th oddly enough) and it's ran nearly four years of my life. Here's a quote from that first entry, so long ago: "I am hoping this will be another way to remind me of all the things I wanna change in my life, and will also remind me of all the things I am blessed with". And when I started it, that's really what I wanted. Things were so different then. Not just the events that have occurred since then, but the person I was.
This journal slowly changed, from a record of my blessings and things I wanted to change, to a record of mistakes and events I could never change. As I read back through every entry last night, I couldn't help but be embarrassed by myself. Things I said, things left unsaid, every mistake, every misstep, the self pity, the downward spiral, the truth, and the lies. It was all there, and most of it made me sick. There was some good. Don't get me wrong, I have recorded some extremely good memories in this journal. And those memories will stay open... for myself and one other. I don't even know if that's necessary, but I think it's nice to leave a window to the past open... so that if one chooses to look out of it, they can see the beauty and promise the past held.
You know when I decided to do this, I had a laundry list of reasons why... and for some reason I can't remember any of them. It's time. Time for so many things. So many things that have nothing to do with a stupid online journal. My life is so much more than this little collection of words. It is and it isn't. This has become my life. Instead of focusing on the blessings all I do is dwell on my problems... on the things I don't have or the things I used to have. Instead of character flaws I can change I focus on events that can never be undone. The simple fact of the matter is, my life is not good. And it isn't because of a woman I don't have any more, or friends that are missing from my life, or anything like that. It's bad because of me. It's bad because of my choices or my lack of choice.
It's so much easier to wallow in the past. It wraps you up like a blanket and comforts you and the memory of that time when things felt so perfect and so very right can lull you to sleep. And you sleep so soundly that nothing wakes you up. And that's where I have been for two years now; sleeping soundly in the comforts of the past. I have to wake up now, because if I don't I'll wake up to a world that has left me so far behind I will never catch up. I'm already so far behind...
I would like to sincerely apologize to anyone I may have offended or hurt with any words in this journal, especially Vanessa Barden. You were my biggest supporter. Did you know two years after we dated you are still the top commenter in this journal? All I can say in apology to you all is that sometimes the weight of emotions or the shadow of fear can make people say and do some very strange things. Things they would never normally do... things they would never normally think. Again, I am so very sorry.
The lyrics in my profile say, "When you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be?". It's not. There was never a point in my life where any part of my current situation was in my life plan. I have nothing I want, not just a partner...nothing. The responsibility for this lies squarely on my shoulders. It's time for me to stand under that weight, and move toward a life that at least resembles the one I dreamed of. I can't even see the outline of it now, but I know with time I will reach it.
Lastly I would like to thank everyone, again, especially Vanessa Barden. Through the last four years you have seen me at my best, and sadly at my worst as well. Throughout that time the vast majority of you have stuck with me, given me support, and have been my friends. I can't thank you enough for that. You will notice that you've been removed from my friends list, and all I can do is tell you it has nothing to do with not wanting to be your friend. I just spend way too much time perusing the lives of others, when I should be living my own. I hope you all understand. If you need to contact me there is always aim and email, both of which can be found in my profile.
And finally I will leave you with this...
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
-Charles R. Swindoll
Take care everyone...
-Matt
This journal slowly changed, from a record of my blessings and things I wanted to change, to a record of mistakes and events I could never change. As I read back through every entry last night, I couldn't help but be embarrassed by myself. Things I said, things left unsaid, every mistake, every misstep, the self pity, the downward spiral, the truth, and the lies. It was all there, and most of it made me sick. There was some good. Don't get me wrong, I have recorded some extremely good memories in this journal. And those memories will stay open... for myself and one other. I don't even know if that's necessary, but I think it's nice to leave a window to the past open... so that if one chooses to look out of it, they can see the beauty and promise the past held.
You know when I decided to do this, I had a laundry list of reasons why... and for some reason I can't remember any of them. It's time. Time for so many things. So many things that have nothing to do with a stupid online journal. My life is so much more than this little collection of words. It is and it isn't. This has become my life. Instead of focusing on the blessings all I do is dwell on my problems... on the things I don't have or the things I used to have. Instead of character flaws I can change I focus on events that can never be undone. The simple fact of the matter is, my life is not good. And it isn't because of a woman I don't have any more, or friends that are missing from my life, or anything like that. It's bad because of me. It's bad because of my choices or my lack of choice.
It's so much easier to wallow in the past. It wraps you up like a blanket and comforts you and the memory of that time when things felt so perfect and so very right can lull you to sleep. And you sleep so soundly that nothing wakes you up. And that's where I have been for two years now; sleeping soundly in the comforts of the past. I have to wake up now, because if I don't I'll wake up to a world that has left me so far behind I will never catch up. I'm already so far behind...
I would like to sincerely apologize to anyone I may have offended or hurt with any words in this journal, especially Vanessa Barden. You were my biggest supporter. Did you know two years after we dated you are still the top commenter in this journal? All I can say in apology to you all is that sometimes the weight of emotions or the shadow of fear can make people say and do some very strange things. Things they would never normally do... things they would never normally think. Again, I am so very sorry.
The lyrics in my profile say, "When you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be?". It's not. There was never a point in my life where any part of my current situation was in my life plan. I have nothing I want, not just a partner...nothing. The responsibility for this lies squarely on my shoulders. It's time for me to stand under that weight, and move toward a life that at least resembles the one I dreamed of. I can't even see the outline of it now, but I know with time I will reach it.
Lastly I would like to thank everyone, again, especially Vanessa Barden. Through the last four years you have seen me at my best, and sadly at my worst as well. Throughout that time the vast majority of you have stuck with me, given me support, and have been my friends. I can't thank you enough for that. You will notice that you've been removed from my friends list, and all I can do is tell you it has nothing to do with not wanting to be your friend. I just spend way too much time perusing the lives of others, when I should be living my own. I hope you all understand. If you need to contact me there is always aim and email, both of which can be found in my profile.
And finally I will leave you with this...
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
-Charles R. Swindoll
Take care everyone...
-Matt