(no subject)
So, I was talking to Latte about a college in one of my local universities that sound like "Wesker Hall". Then, this happened.
Title: Creeper Island University
Summary: its in the title.
Rating: PG-13 for language.
A student attending the elusive academy on a beach is a foolish one indeed. Tricked by beautiful brochures, tropical sands and beautiful waves, they were lured to what would be the most unaccredited and insane university on the planet.
The biology professor, Mr. Stein, was an unusual fellow to say the least. Everyday he would walk into class with another dead carcass, and another student would disappear. Sometimes, people would just walk into class was vestigial features. One time, someone came in with a horn on his head. The girls thought it was awesome and named him "Unicorn", so naturally all the guys wanted it. Until some poor sucker ended up with a platypus tail and the pheromones of a skunk.
"That's what you get when you try and use nature to get laid, use your own damn pheromones." Then he would glare at the class and then openly mock them. That was the last semester that anyone signed up for Evolutionary Science.
Some people feared going out at night. Between the large volcano, the very large cabbage patch, the fresh graveyard and what one of the professors named "The Circle of Dumbass", there was nothing much to do. Once they saw a gray primate mating with a pale lifeless beast, making the worst noises - and what was worse, one of them was in drag. It was sooner found out that said lifeless beast was, in fact, Professor William Birkin of the biochemistry and virology department. Though, most would call him harmless, at times he would have sporadic triumphs, only to be squashed by the fact that he was socially awkward. And had to pay alimony.
Some nights, students would hear long conversations that Birkin would have with his ex-wife. "I have a right to see her, you know! Just because I chose to be a career- no, look. SHEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY PAPA - DON'T HANG UP ON ME YOU WHORE." Most students didn't dare venture into the biochemistry wing past a certain hour. At times, some students would find him coddling with a vial, petting it and naming it "Precious". Precious was soon discovered to be the dreaded G-Virus, but most people just thought of it as the flu- because of it was the most "normal" thing there. One thing was for certain though, neither of them could ever say "gayer than a rainbow" - Birkin had ruined rainbows and gays for all. Even the gays.
But nothing was more of a boner killer than physical sciences with Krauser. His labs often involved experiments such as "What if a dumbass fell on a knife in a certain way?" or "What happens if someone's cellphone goes off during my lecture and I so happen to throw a knife at their eye?" Only Regene's students of psychology/sociopathology (yes, that was an actual degree there, and yes it was a made up word) would enjoy those sorts of classes.
As for Regene, heaven forbid you took Gender Issues with the .... person. He would get rather offended and throw people out of classes. Though, there was a running bet on who could figure out what gender Regene was. Emphasis on was. Regene let it leak to Krauser that there was a castration holiday and some tribes of the deep, deep, deep Amazon and it so happened that there were a few students that wished to observe it. The next day, the experiment in Physics was "How much force does it take to cut a dumbasses penis off while falling at a trajectory of 11 m/s. No one ever tried to mess with Regene again.
Though, that was not the worst. Ever since the University opened, there was only one student named Chris. Chris was a communication major. And Chris decided that he wanted to take communication from a social darwnist named Albert Wesker. No one knew what was his problem, but they knew that as soon as he read the name "Chris" - not even bothering to look at the last name - on his roster, he yawlped "CHRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS". And every time Chris wanted to answer a question, Wesker would dissolve into a fit of rage - one person swore that he lured the poor student to the ledge of a volcano and tried to shove him in going "See how it feeellllllls CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSS".
But the Law professor, oh the law professor was the absolute worst. It wasn't because he was blantantly hostile or weird like the others. No, in fact, he was actually quite friendly to his students. Though, occasionally, he would walk into class with a cabbage and talk about his students to it. But, there was something very odd about the classroom: it had an extremely large TV in it.
One day, someone had the gall to walk in late. She had just walked in, short dress, a bloody arm (obviously someone had the "lets see how a stupid bitch reacts when a guy with a knife is chasing after her with a circular velocity - or chase a stupid bitch around a room with a knife" lab) and was stumbling into her chair. Adachi had offered to give her a private tutoring, but she had refused. The next day, they saw her in the huge TV playing with a knife and saying "Hello ~~ I'm the *true-" but she was cut off. Adachi had turned off the TV and loudly muttered "Bitches and whores" and started a class on gender discrimination.
Oh yes, the university had well earned its nickname "Creeper Island University", but you couldn't argue that it didn't provide the best education. Graduates from Krauser's area of physics went on to be well known serial killers and medieval impaler experts as well as very well known sociopaths. Regene's students became advocates for the genderless and some of the greatest criminal profilers in the world (though, they already knew most of the serial killers through the alumni newsletter). Wesker's students not only knew how to save entire villages from volcanoes, but they also knew how to handle more than one appendage. Though, some would argue that most of his students would have red eyes in photographs, others said that all the running away from molten lava gave them really toned bodies, but what was certain was that whenever they met someone named Chris, they either punched them in a face or shoved them into something (usually oncoming traffic or rather large holes). There was one instance when one was actually shoved into their child's fake volcano science project. Stein's students became designers for biotechnology firms - despite the fact that there were often bolts missing and graves exhumed. Many a newscaster and politician had Adachi to thank for their saviness, and thankful for him for a good way to dispose of their mistresses. Every year, they send him cabbages as a thank you and they send two if there's an acquittal from a murder charge. But, what of Birkin? Well, they say that every night, while on the phone with his wife, when he screams "SHEERRRRRRRY" - all his students look up and scream "SHEEERRRRRRRRY" at the moon.
Title: Creeper Island University
Summary: its in the title.
Rating: PG-13 for language.
A student attending the elusive academy on a beach is a foolish one indeed. Tricked by beautiful brochures, tropical sands and beautiful waves, they were lured to what would be the most unaccredited and insane university on the planet.
The biology professor, Mr. Stein, was an unusual fellow to say the least. Everyday he would walk into class with another dead carcass, and another student would disappear. Sometimes, people would just walk into class was vestigial features. One time, someone came in with a horn on his head. The girls thought it was awesome and named him "Unicorn", so naturally all the guys wanted it. Until some poor sucker ended up with a platypus tail and the pheromones of a skunk.
"That's what you get when you try and use nature to get laid, use your own damn pheromones." Then he would glare at the class and then openly mock them. That was the last semester that anyone signed up for Evolutionary Science.
Some people feared going out at night. Between the large volcano, the very large cabbage patch, the fresh graveyard and what one of the professors named "The Circle of Dumbass", there was nothing much to do. Once they saw a gray primate mating with a pale lifeless beast, making the worst noises - and what was worse, one of them was in drag. It was sooner found out that said lifeless beast was, in fact, Professor William Birkin of the biochemistry and virology department. Though, most would call him harmless, at times he would have sporadic triumphs, only to be squashed by the fact that he was socially awkward. And had to pay alimony.
Some nights, students would hear long conversations that Birkin would have with his ex-wife. "I have a right to see her, you know! Just because I chose to be a career- no, look. SHEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY PAPA - DON'T HANG UP ON ME YOU WHORE." Most students didn't dare venture into the biochemistry wing past a certain hour. At times, some students would find him coddling with a vial, petting it and naming it "Precious". Precious was soon discovered to be the dreaded G-Virus, but most people just thought of it as the flu- because of it was the most "normal" thing there. One thing was for certain though, neither of them could ever say "gayer than a rainbow" - Birkin had ruined rainbows and gays for all. Even the gays.
But nothing was more of a boner killer than physical sciences with Krauser. His labs often involved experiments such as "What if a dumbass fell on a knife in a certain way?" or "What happens if someone's cellphone goes off during my lecture and I so happen to throw a knife at their eye?" Only Regene's students of psychology/sociopathology (yes, that was an actual degree there, and yes it was a made up word) would enjoy those sorts of classes.
As for Regene, heaven forbid you took Gender Issues with the .... person. He would get rather offended and throw people out of classes. Though, there was a running bet on who could figure out what gender Regene was. Emphasis on was. Regene let it leak to Krauser that there was a castration holiday and some tribes of the deep, deep, deep Amazon and it so happened that there were a few students that wished to observe it. The next day, the experiment in Physics was "How much force does it take to cut a dumbasses penis off while falling at a trajectory of 11 m/s. No one ever tried to mess with Regene again.
Though, that was not the worst. Ever since the University opened, there was only one student named Chris. Chris was a communication major. And Chris decided that he wanted to take communication from a social darwnist named Albert Wesker. No one knew what was his problem, but they knew that as soon as he read the name "Chris" - not even bothering to look at the last name - on his roster, he yawlped "CHRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS". And every time Chris wanted to answer a question, Wesker would dissolve into a fit of rage - one person swore that he lured the poor student to the ledge of a volcano and tried to shove him in going "See how it feeellllllls CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSS".
But the Law professor, oh the law professor was the absolute worst. It wasn't because he was blantantly hostile or weird like the others. No, in fact, he was actually quite friendly to his students. Though, occasionally, he would walk into class with a cabbage and talk about his students to it. But, there was something very odd about the classroom: it had an extremely large TV in it.
One day, someone had the gall to walk in late. She had just walked in, short dress, a bloody arm (obviously someone had the "lets see how a stupid bitch reacts when a guy with a knife is chasing after her with a circular velocity - or chase a stupid bitch around a room with a knife" lab) and was stumbling into her chair. Adachi had offered to give her a private tutoring, but she had refused. The next day, they saw her in the huge TV playing with a knife and saying "Hello ~~ I'm the *true-" but she was cut off. Adachi had turned off the TV and loudly muttered "Bitches and whores" and started a class on gender discrimination.
Oh yes, the university had well earned its nickname "Creeper Island University", but you couldn't argue that it didn't provide the best education. Graduates from Krauser's area of physics went on to be well known serial killers and medieval impaler experts as well as very well known sociopaths. Regene's students became advocates for the genderless and some of the greatest criminal profilers in the world (though, they already knew most of the serial killers through the alumni newsletter). Wesker's students not only knew how to save entire villages from volcanoes, but they also knew how to handle more than one appendage. Though, some would argue that most of his students would have red eyes in photographs, others said that all the running away from molten lava gave them really toned bodies, but what was certain was that whenever they met someone named Chris, they either punched them in a face or shoved them into something (usually oncoming traffic or rather large holes). There was one instance when one was actually shoved into their child's fake volcano science project. Stein's students became designers for biotechnology firms - despite the fact that there were often bolts missing and graves exhumed. Many a newscaster and politician had Adachi to thank for their saviness, and thankful for him for a good way to dispose of their mistresses. Every year, they send him cabbages as a thank you and they send two if there's an acquittal from a murder charge. But, what of Birkin? Well, they say that every night, while on the phone with his wife, when he screams "SHEERRRRRRRY" - all his students look up and scream "SHEEERRRRRRRRY" at the moon.