And The Beat Goes On.....
Why am I such an idiot? Why is it in my head I can say things that sound wicked intellegent and make sense, but somewhere between my brain and mouth they get jumbled up? I talked to Andy last night, I wanted to tell him how I felt about him and Hilary being so close. I don't think it's fair at all. Reps may think Hilary becoming an AM has to do with the fact that her and Andy spend a lot of time together, and why is it ok for Andy to spend time with reps, but not with me? Why is it ok for Becky to vent to Hillary (Example "Hilary I need to talk to you about my life") but not me? I don't even vent! Ryan is full of shit when he says it's not a personal thing that I can't hang with reps outside work. He damn well knows it is. So any way when I called Andy I don't know what the hell I said, but then we got into a conversation I didn't want to get into. I know I can't be an AM in the fall, and I know why. Cause I'm not consistant in sales, but it's like he totally ignores everything else. Only the bad stands out. He said I have to be consistant in additude, and I have been, but what does he bring up? The insident with that customer, the fact that I "cry" to other reps. Ya Hillary and Jenny. Jenny and I have been friends for a while now, and she doesn't even work for Vector anymore or live on the same coast as me! Andy is like "Do you know why Jenny called?"(Thanks Ryan for keeping our conversation inbetween us) Yes I know why she called! What's the big deal? It's not like it affected anyones life, no one quit over it! I always talk to Jenny about life. And everyone vents to Hilary, so why is it ok for them to vent to someone, and not me? Then when I told him I don't vent to other reps (meaning our office) he called me a liar. To top it off all he remembers is the beginning of the summer when I cried at meetings, never mind how pos I've been. I don't know why the hell I'm not selling. He wants me to do $1000 a week in the fall. I'm on academic probation! Do you know how hard that will be for me to do?? And I *know* Hillary didn't do $1000 every week in the summer, she only sold a few thousand more than me, and we still have a few summer weeks left. I *know* I'm more pos than Hillary, Ryan even said "When you're posative, you're more posative than Hillary." I'm just not consistant in sales, and I never have been and it's like Ryan said "Will Mel ever be consistant." I hate the fact that if I say something like "Oh man I had a bad day" Ryan likes "Oh, old Mel is back, she's been being really negative again." What am I suppose to be happy 24/7 I'm human! I'm sorry but 90% of my time has to go to school,I'm gonna be 30 by the time I graduate! This is so aggrevating! I really wish I wasn't bipolar. I wish I was just normal. No emotions at all. I know Ryan feels weird around me ever since he got wind of the stuff I said about him last summer, but I may have said some of the stuff to get a reaction out of people. I do that, and I don't know why. The chemicals in my brain are all fucked up. He picks up other girls in the office, cause they don't have a big ass crush on him. Doesn't he understand that I'm not 14, I'm not saying I secretly beg that he'll pick me up or whatever, but I don't want him to think if he did that I would think he likes me. I'm not stupid, I'm not a kid. I know people want me to quit, I know people wonder why I'm still there. I'm not consistant in sales, so I'm not consistant in income. Every time I seem to be doing good, I say one little thing, and BOOM, no one believes I'm posative, no one believes I'm happy or that I believe in myself. Ryan is always assuming things about me, that just aren't true, and it pisses me off. Just because some stuff happened in the past doesn't mean it's the same in the present. What the hell do I have to do? I know I know be consistant in sales, but can you teach an old dog new tricks? No one in the office knows I'm Bipolar except Ryan,Andy and I'm not sure about the other Assistants. I have a feeling they hold that against me. I just know it. I also wish they wouldn't focus so much on the negative. For example I have a great week, I'm super pos, but an order gets cancelled, guess which one they mention or focus on? Ding ding ding! you got it! The neg. I'm always offering to help in the office, and I'm always in the office doing something. Does anyone care, no? And why in the world can't I PDI? Is Ryan *that* paranoid about me? Does he think I'm gonna vent to a rep on PDI, jesus. No one seems Happy when I call in for PDI, I gaurantee you no one in that office is as devoted to PDI as I am, I *always* call in I've never missed PDI, I never missed a wendsday night meeting,I missed one Monday Meeting, I'm about to miss my first division meeting, and I've been to every conferece except SSC1. Doesn't anyone care about that stuff? Why do they have to magnify the negative to make me look like a horrible person. Yes I sometimes do stuff to get attention, but do they realize how far I've come? I know I just bring the office down, Ryan thinks I think that I'm a victim. Ya like a year ago, but he has to dwell on that. I work really really hard, I barely ever take time off, I put in so much effort, but no one cares. Don't get me wrong,I love vector. I *love* my job, so I don't mean to sound ungratuful. It's the one place where people believe in me,and I love what I do. I definatly still wanna be an AM, and eventually a district, I wanna prove to people that I can even though I know some people think I can't. So I'm not saying I all of a sudden hate my job, it's just that this stuff has been bugging me, and I need to get it out. Part of the reason I get moody is because I have this all bottled up, I just want to get it out in the open. I don't do good in my demos because I have all this in my head I need to figure out a way to communicate it to Ryan. To let him know what's bothering me. Being postative is out of my comfort zone. I get paranoid that people talk about me, but when you have that for almost 18 years, what else do you expect? I am so much stronger than I used to be, but they just don't see that. Dave Coles says I want attention, even if it's negative, ya I used to not anymore. And if it seems that way, I don't do that on purpose. Someone asks me how I am, I'm gonna tell them the truth, but lately I have been fine, no drama. So why do they have to remember stuff that happened months ago? If I start selling consistantly will everything be peachy keen? Fine then I'll just work non stop, and never take a day off. That way I'll make sure I'll sell over $1000 every week. Oh! Another thing, Andy says I should work so I make the customer happy. I do! I love making people happy! I love talking to people and giving them an awesome product! Why doesn't he believe that, but I also work so I can achieve my goals. So I guess I'll just work, and not call in for PDI, unless I sell a ton, that way no one can accuse me of being negative, and they won't have to deal with me. They can deal with the people who don't have bipolar. Who don't say stupid stuff. I'm not saying this cause I want people to feel bad for me. It's the truth, but I know Ryan or Andy would turn it into something different. I hate when people put words in my mouth, when they assume things about me, just cause of the past. Ryan says I'm living my CPO. Ok I sold $38 this week so far, and I'm fine, I'm Pos. If I was living my CPO I would be crying. Any way I don't understand why I can't say all this to Ryan or Andy. Why when I try to talk to them it comes out sounding like "Pity me please." Sigh. I need to sell these next few weeks, I gotta go to SSC3. It's my favorite conference. I gotta bounce. Peace out scouts
(NOTE: Added 8/19, Ryan, I know gave you a note to read this, first of all I want you to know, that you're the only person who knows about this name, if anyone did a search on LJ with my email my other username would come up. So don't worry, no one else in the world will read this. Also I only had you read it because I didn't know how to communicate it to you,every time I tried it came out sounding like verbal vomit. I tried to ignore it, but it was weighing heavy, I needed to get it off my chest. I'm sorry I said you were full of shit. Ryan, you know I love you and you know I love Vector, so please don't think otherwise. Sometimes we just have things that bug us. I hope you understand.)
(NOTE: Added 8/19, Ryan, I know gave you a note to read this, first of all I want you to know, that you're the only person who knows about this name, if anyone did a search on LJ with my email my other username would come up. So don't worry, no one else in the world will read this. Also I only had you read it because I didn't know how to communicate it to you,every time I tried it came out sounding like verbal vomit. I tried to ignore it, but it was weighing heavy, I needed to get it off my chest. I'm sorry I said you were full of shit. Ryan, you know I love you and you know I love Vector, so please don't think otherwise. Sometimes we just have things that bug us. I hope you understand.)