Nameless One, Author's Note
Title: Nameless One
Author: tripatch
Rating: R
Pairing: Hannibal/Face
Summary: Kinkmeme prompt, Face secretly takes meds for bipolar disorder. But for whatever reason, Face is no longer on his meds. Then the manic behavior starts, from getting into a mess of fights to needing to have tons of sex with strangers. Then when the emotional roller coaster stuff starts, Face begins cutting himself during the darkest times. His teammates notice, and try to help but Face is stubborn and refuses help, heavily in denial.
Additional Notes: Title taken from James Clarence Mangan's poem, "Nameless One".
Additional, Additional Notes: I've gone back and included this chart of chapters on previous posts and will update it regularly. I hope this makes things a little bit easier to navigate!
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Missing Scenes
Author’s Note
I normally don’t write these, but this one is close to my heart. Not because I’m especially proud of the writing or think it has the best plot, either.
Most people say to write what you know, but every time I pick something personal to write about, it ends up coming out wrong; everything I want to say comes out cluttered, because there’s too much to draw on, too many experiences to be linear.
Bipolar disorder is something I have a not inconsiderable amount of experience with, and it’s one of the more confusing things to write about because everything about it is so visceral. There are a lot of emotions and sensations involved and I never feel like I can do what is an intensely personal feeling justice. I tried, though, while still trying to balance out Face’s characterization with my own feelings on the subject.
The other thing is the style, which is so completely out of my normal style that editing this was like reading someone else’s writing. I decided on a third person limited point of view because I realized quite quickly that I have no idea what bipolar looks like, but I do know how it feels; I tried to convey that abruptness and loss of balance in the writing, but I’m not certain I succeeded. The present tense was another thing that I’m not sure worked. I don’t often (read: never) write in present tense, but when I finally got a handle on how this was going to go, it came out, and it seemed right somehow.
You may have also noticed some odd constructions: glowing golden in the gray gristle fences around them and in one place like that, not enough space to even pace, for example. One is the pretty basic alliteration that I'm sure you all know, while the second is an example of what's known as clanging, a mode of speech characterized by association of words by sounds rather than concepts. Both are common to see in manic behavior; in fact, it's been shown that poets are more likely to have bipolar disorder, and it's postulated that this particular freedom to make connections between unlike things and wordplay may be one reason why. I also tried to liberally sprinkle some references to a few familiar works in there - "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, to name two.
The end result is -- well, I’ll let you decide.
The ending was something I struggled with for reasons that have just become clear to me: namely, that there is no ending, at least not one I’ve found yet. I’ve had years to come to terms with it and some days I still feel like it’s a work in progress. Some days you forget about it completely, some days it’s there right in your face, but it’s never going to go away completely, not even with medicine. I wanted to end on a hopeful note, but this isn’t something that has a neat closure where everything is tied up in a bow, which is how stories should normally end.
I dithered on whether or not to have a "crisis" moment, that time of the story when our character grows and realizes what he needs to do - but it wasn't to be. This story ended up going a lot more into the head than I expected it to, and a lot slower and dreamier than I expected as well. I don't know if it would have worked better to have your typical climactic event, but I think it's a tad more realistic this way - to agonize over what to do and finally come to a slow realization, rather than a jarring epiphany. If you think otherwise, please let me know.
Face’s friends standing by him and helping him is something that I know from personal experience doesn’t always happen, so this story may have shades of wish-fulfillment about it. The reality can be much harsher, a lot bleaker.
If you know someone who’s bipolar and getting frustrated with them or just don’t understand what they’re going through, this is what it feels like. This is what they go through. And if they don’t take their medicine all the time, or especially if they just were diagnosed, it’s not so simple as “medicine will make you better”; all those concerns, from the petty and vain (lithium has an average weight gain of 60-70 pounds, for example) to the deeper questions that make you question who you are, are real. Imagine if someone told you that there was a pill that would fundamentally change you as a person, supposedly for the better-would you take it? Or would you wonder what you were sacrificing, if that person you ended up as would still be you? It’s not as easy as it sounds. Taking an ibuprofen because you have a headache doesn’t change you as a person, it just makes you the same person without a headache. It’s when you start wanting to change the personality of someone that the ethical and philosophical questions start appearing: if we’re made up of our experiences, and bipolar fundamentally changes our perceptions of experiences, then doesn’t medicine change who we are on a level we can’t even begin to comprehend?
I’m not saying that I’m anti-medicine, or that I’m totally for it - each person is different and what works for one may not work for another, but I will always be reticent to accept “normality”, especially when it comes at such a high cost, without closely examining what it is we’re sacrificing.
Still, I want to thank the prompter, whoever it was, for giving me something to work with and inspiring me to write something that challenged me, comforted me, and forced me to work through some of my own issues. I sincerely thank you for that.
And on a final note, I know it took me nearly a year to finish - ! - so I am extra appreciative of all the people who stuck with this, left me such wonderful reviews, and generally made my days so much brighter. I looked forward to hearing your thoughts, cherished your feedback, and sincerely appreciate all those who take the time to leave a review.
As always, I love getting feedback of all kinds, but constructive criticism makes me a better writer - and so if you have any to offer, I would love to hear it!
Thank you! ♥
Author: tripatch
Rating: R
Pairing: Hannibal/Face
Summary: Kinkmeme prompt, Face secretly takes meds for bipolar disorder. But for whatever reason, Face is no longer on his meds. Then the manic behavior starts, from getting into a mess of fights to needing to have tons of sex with strangers. Then when the emotional roller coaster stuff starts, Face begins cutting himself during the darkest times. His teammates notice, and try to help but Face is stubborn and refuses help, heavily in denial.
Additional Notes: Title taken from James Clarence Mangan's poem, "Nameless One".
Additional, Additional Notes: I've gone back and included this chart of chapters on previous posts and will update it regularly. I hope this makes things a little bit easier to navigate!
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Missing Scenes
Author’s Note
I normally don’t write these, but this one is close to my heart. Not because I’m especially proud of the writing or think it has the best plot, either.
Most people say to write what you know, but every time I pick something personal to write about, it ends up coming out wrong; everything I want to say comes out cluttered, because there’s too much to draw on, too many experiences to be linear.
Bipolar disorder is something I have a not inconsiderable amount of experience with, and it’s one of the more confusing things to write about because everything about it is so visceral. There are a lot of emotions and sensations involved and I never feel like I can do what is an intensely personal feeling justice. I tried, though, while still trying to balance out Face’s characterization with my own feelings on the subject.
The other thing is the style, which is so completely out of my normal style that editing this was like reading someone else’s writing. I decided on a third person limited point of view because I realized quite quickly that I have no idea what bipolar looks like, but I do know how it feels; I tried to convey that abruptness and loss of balance in the writing, but I’m not certain I succeeded. The present tense was another thing that I’m not sure worked. I don’t often (read: never) write in present tense, but when I finally got a handle on how this was going to go, it came out, and it seemed right somehow.
You may have also noticed some odd constructions: glowing golden in the gray gristle fences around them and in one place like that, not enough space to even pace, for example. One is the pretty basic alliteration that I'm sure you all know, while the second is an example of what's known as clanging, a mode of speech characterized by association of words by sounds rather than concepts. Both are common to see in manic behavior; in fact, it's been shown that poets are more likely to have bipolar disorder, and it's postulated that this particular freedom to make connections between unlike things and wordplay may be one reason why. I also tried to liberally sprinkle some references to a few familiar works in there - "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, to name two.
The end result is -- well, I’ll let you decide.
The ending was something I struggled with for reasons that have just become clear to me: namely, that there is no ending, at least not one I’ve found yet. I’ve had years to come to terms with it and some days I still feel like it’s a work in progress. Some days you forget about it completely, some days it’s there right in your face, but it’s never going to go away completely, not even with medicine. I wanted to end on a hopeful note, but this isn’t something that has a neat closure where everything is tied up in a bow, which is how stories should normally end.
I dithered on whether or not to have a "crisis" moment, that time of the story when our character grows and realizes what he needs to do - but it wasn't to be. This story ended up going a lot more into the head than I expected it to, and a lot slower and dreamier than I expected as well. I don't know if it would have worked better to have your typical climactic event, but I think it's a tad more realistic this way - to agonize over what to do and finally come to a slow realization, rather than a jarring epiphany. If you think otherwise, please let me know.
Face’s friends standing by him and helping him is something that I know from personal experience doesn’t always happen, so this story may have shades of wish-fulfillment about it. The reality can be much harsher, a lot bleaker.
If you know someone who’s bipolar and getting frustrated with them or just don’t understand what they’re going through, this is what it feels like. This is what they go through. And if they don’t take their medicine all the time, or especially if they just were diagnosed, it’s not so simple as “medicine will make you better”; all those concerns, from the petty and vain (lithium has an average weight gain of 60-70 pounds, for example) to the deeper questions that make you question who you are, are real. Imagine if someone told you that there was a pill that would fundamentally change you as a person, supposedly for the better-would you take it? Or would you wonder what you were sacrificing, if that person you ended up as would still be you? It’s not as easy as it sounds. Taking an ibuprofen because you have a headache doesn’t change you as a person, it just makes you the same person without a headache. It’s when you start wanting to change the personality of someone that the ethical and philosophical questions start appearing: if we’re made up of our experiences, and bipolar fundamentally changes our perceptions of experiences, then doesn’t medicine change who we are on a level we can’t even begin to comprehend?
I’m not saying that I’m anti-medicine, or that I’m totally for it - each person is different and what works for one may not work for another, but I will always be reticent to accept “normality”, especially when it comes at such a high cost, without closely examining what it is we’re sacrificing.
Still, I want to thank the prompter, whoever it was, for giving me something to work with and inspiring me to write something that challenged me, comforted me, and forced me to work through some of my own issues. I sincerely thank you for that.
And on a final note, I know it took me nearly a year to finish - ! - so I am extra appreciative of all the people who stuck with this, left me such wonderful reviews, and generally made my days so much brighter. I looked forward to hearing your thoughts, cherished your feedback, and sincerely appreciate all those who take the time to leave a review.
As always, I love getting feedback of all kinds, but constructive criticism makes me a better writer - and so if you have any to offer, I would love to hear it!
Thank you! ♥