a lot on my mind, and getting' stuff off my chest
How can I start out? I was layin in bed, and all these thoughts started to enter my mind. It a answer to a prayer. For a long time I've questioned myself, my parents, God, "What did I have to go threw this livin hell" For the past 3 years, I've been on a roller coaster. Many times I've broken a heart, or the times mine has been broken. Things that I've said, that I could just slap myself silly over. Things that I didn't say, those words that I could never get the guts, or find away to say it. The things that I did, which I regret, without a doubt. I've done a lot of foolish things in my time. Along with sayin some of those things. Only if I have gotten around doing and sayin some of the the things that I had plan to say or do. If I've only shown the one's I really loved and cared about how much I really cared. I mean, I've been labeled, I've been accused of things I didn't do. I've been made to look like a fool. I should gave it my best in high school, but just sat around on my ass, and was some what lazy. I mean, how I regret that. I had a brain, and didn't use it for what it was intended to use for. Instead, I just did some things, that now I look back over, I shake my head and ask myself "How did I make it threw that?" I guess they say everything happens for a reason, and I'm gonna stick to that. In the past 3 years, I've been through a lot of stuff. No I'm not looking for a pity party. There is just so much crap that's been built up for me, for so long, its causing my moods to change from day to day, if not minute to minute. For so long, I just wanted to go outside, and scream at the top of my lungs, cuss, did whatever it took to make me feel better. Cause I have so many regrets. I mean, yes I'm a Christian, I'm a really religious person, who loves Jesus.
I think the effect of these past 3 years is really helping me to become the man I need to be, or am going to be. I mean, there is times, I do lay in bed, cryin myself to sleep. I always go out of my way, to try to help the ones I consider "friends" in need. I know they love me, or at least hope they do. Cause I'd do anything for my friends. There is soo much I haven't told them that I just couldn't get out. I was layin in bed thinking, and my emotions started to pour out, and I decided to just type em in here, for you all to see. I'm not afraid the reactions I get out of this. I mean, why did I do some of the things I did? Why did hurt the ones I did? How I wish I could turn the hands of time back and walk threw the past 3 years, to this very second, to touch up the things I did. Make up to the ones I hurt over the years. I mean, like I said, it will help me become the man I need to be, cause it happened for a reason, but I regret some of the hell I put people threw immaturity. Yes, I'm only human. Yes I like attention at times, but don't sit there and say you don't cause hey, everyone loves attention, I guess deep down inside I'm nothing but a damned spoiled little brat, who usually get what he wants? Who thinks everything has to be his way! THERE I SAID IT!! I mean, that's how I was up till tonight, I realized a lot of stuff this weekend, after having a few beers, lockin' myself up in my room, singin some hymns, prayin, and just lots of thinkin, and it's really showed me a lot, that you can't always get what you want. There's a lot of things I want in life, but I can't have 'em all. I mean, time and time again, I envy what others have, that I don't have. But now, I'm so thankful for the things I've been givin. It might not be much to some people, but its more than enough to me. I've really needed to just sit down, and just say whatever I needed to say. I mean, yes, I am sorry for the ones I've hurt in my lifetime, Yes, I do regret some of the things I've did and said. But this entry I will not regret. I don't care who reads this, and who doesn't. Its things I had to get off my chest. And I do feel much better now, Cause its been 3 years of emotions building up, that I couldn't get off my chest, but now, I finally did, and I feel soo much better, thanks for listening to me bitch and complain. To all my friends over the years, who's been there for me in my bad times, and the good times, I appreciate you all! To sit there, and listen to me cry over things, It really means a lot. This isn't for attention if that's what some of your reading is thinking, It took me 3 years to get all this out, which is 3 years to long, Now I feel like I've been born again, that its reassuring, that life is once again starting all over for me..thank God
I think the effect of these past 3 years is really helping me to become the man I need to be, or am going to be. I mean, there is times, I do lay in bed, cryin myself to sleep. I always go out of my way, to try to help the ones I consider "friends" in need. I know they love me, or at least hope they do. Cause I'd do anything for my friends. There is soo much I haven't told them that I just couldn't get out. I was layin in bed thinking, and my emotions started to pour out, and I decided to just type em in here, for you all to see. I'm not afraid the reactions I get out of this. I mean, why did I do some of the things I did? Why did hurt the ones I did? How I wish I could turn the hands of time back and walk threw the past 3 years, to this very second, to touch up the things I did. Make up to the ones I hurt over the years. I mean, like I said, it will help me become the man I need to be, cause it happened for a reason, but I regret some of the hell I put people threw immaturity. Yes, I'm only human. Yes I like attention at times, but don't sit there and say you don't cause hey, everyone loves attention, I guess deep down inside I'm nothing but a damned spoiled little brat, who usually get what he wants? Who thinks everything has to be his way! THERE I SAID IT!! I mean, that's how I was up till tonight, I realized a lot of stuff this weekend, after having a few beers, lockin' myself up in my room, singin some hymns, prayin, and just lots of thinkin, and it's really showed me a lot, that you can't always get what you want. There's a lot of things I want in life, but I can't have 'em all. I mean, time and time again, I envy what others have, that I don't have. But now, I'm so thankful for the things I've been givin. It might not be much to some people, but its more than enough to me. I've really needed to just sit down, and just say whatever I needed to say. I mean, yes, I am sorry for the ones I've hurt in my lifetime, Yes, I do regret some of the things I've did and said. But this entry I will not regret. I don't care who reads this, and who doesn't. Its things I had to get off my chest. And I do feel much better now, Cause its been 3 years of emotions building up, that I couldn't get off my chest, but now, I finally did, and I feel soo much better, thanks for listening to me bitch and complain. To all my friends over the years, who's been there for me in my bad times, and the good times, I appreciate you all! To sit there, and listen to me cry over things, It really means a lot. This isn't for attention if that's what some of your reading is thinking, It took me 3 years to get all this out, which is 3 years to long, Now I feel like I've been born again, that its reassuring, that life is once again starting all over for me..thank God