Severus Snape's Private Quarters
*looks at his new green journal sitting on a concealed shelf* I know my own mind, Lupin.
*bypasses green journal, taking down a plain brown one instead*
I should not be writing any of this down, but sometimes - a pensieve is not good enough. Not tangible enough.
*lifts heavy wards and casts a coded revealing charm over the journal*
I used to imagine my funeral as a quiet affair. Albus, Minerva, Poppy - solemn as the remains of my body are scattered to the winds, free in a way I have never been in life.
Lately...it is different. There are shadowy figures around my three stalwarts now. I see flashes of greying brown hair, hear uncontrollable sobbing, smell exotic perfume; even taste expensive brandy on my nonexistent lips as I swirl around them and disperse, finally able to sleep.
I do not fear death.
I do not fear it, but I know that it is coming for me, as surely as I know the days are becoming longer. As surely as I know He will not be able to resist striking at Potter one last time where Potter is strongest, a testament to His power if Potter is brought low along with Albus and Hogwarts.
My days draw to a close and yet they are full of people where none were before. Did I allow myself to kiss Narcissa because I wanted to remember what one could feel like before the end? I find I want to shelter Mandy from the approaching strife and let no more pain touch her - is she at the crossroads I was at 20 years ago? Do I want to save just one person from my fate before I walk into its final embrace? Am I drawing close to Lupin because this burden...this dying is becoming too hard to bear alone? He knows me. Knows what I was and what I am and yet he fights to tolerate me - to be there for me whether I want him to be or not, and I am weary of pushing against his tide.
He calls, more often now and I have less to give Him each time. Information is becoming too crucial to tamper with - to twist, even a little, for His ears. Moody glares at me in meetings, they all glare, sure I will betray them in the end. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater, never mind the circumstances. On the field of battle, I see both sides sending curses my way, better to take me out early than risk my turning at a crucial moment.
Yet...there are now people here, around me, that battered their way past my weakening defenses. I might have more support from this side than I thought I would ever have. Lupin is loyal to a fault - he would defend me if there were questions...before or after.
My defenses should not be weak! They should be stronger than ever. I should be stronger now, as the full extent of my skills are being tested. I should work harder at alienating them all, pushing them all away, get away!
I am poison.
*bypasses green journal, taking down a plain brown one instead*
I should not be writing any of this down, but sometimes - a pensieve is not good enough. Not tangible enough.
*lifts heavy wards and casts a coded revealing charm over the journal*
I used to imagine my funeral as a quiet affair. Albus, Minerva, Poppy - solemn as the remains of my body are scattered to the winds, free in a way I have never been in life.
Lately...it is different. There are shadowy figures around my three stalwarts now. I see flashes of greying brown hair, hear uncontrollable sobbing, smell exotic perfume; even taste expensive brandy on my nonexistent lips as I swirl around them and disperse, finally able to sleep.
I do not fear death.
I do not fear it, but I know that it is coming for me, as surely as I know the days are becoming longer. As surely as I know He will not be able to resist striking at Potter one last time where Potter is strongest, a testament to His power if Potter is brought low along with Albus and Hogwarts.
My days draw to a close and yet they are full of people where none were before. Did I allow myself to kiss Narcissa because I wanted to remember what one could feel like before the end? I find I want to shelter Mandy from the approaching strife and let no more pain touch her - is she at the crossroads I was at 20 years ago? Do I want to save just one person from my fate before I walk into its final embrace? Am I drawing close to Lupin because this burden...this dying is becoming too hard to bear alone? He knows me. Knows what I was and what I am and yet he fights to tolerate me - to be there for me whether I want him to be or not, and I am weary of pushing against his tide.
He calls, more often now and I have less to give Him each time. Information is becoming too crucial to tamper with - to twist, even a little, for His ears. Moody glares at me in meetings, they all glare, sure I will betray them in the end. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater, never mind the circumstances. On the field of battle, I see both sides sending curses my way, better to take me out early than risk my turning at a crucial moment.
Yet...there are now people here, around me, that battered their way past my weakening defenses. I might have more support from this side than I thought I would ever have. Lupin is loyal to a fault - he would defend me if there were questions...before or after.
My defenses should not be weak! They should be stronger than ever. I should be stronger now, as the full extent of my skills are being tested. I should work harder at alienating them all, pushing them all away, get away!
I am poison.