(no subject)
i'll get straight to the point...
all through high school i over ate....after graduation i started smoking weed...nothing constant..but enough to get me wanting it more...the last year i spent i'd say about 3 grand on drugs...the over eating stopped, but i wasnt eating healthy... i stopped smoking pot in april...woke up and realized i wasnt even getting high anymore and i was smoking every chance i could...and going absolutely nowhere with my life...then i started buying alcohol...nothing too horrible at first...but drinking alone is never a good thing. bottle here and there of vodka....or maybe rum. cheap as i could get it. this last month and a half i've been drunk nearly every day i could be if i had the money for it... right back to where i was with pot. when i didnt have money wishing i did so i could get drunk that night... why..i hate being drunk, i hate the way any alcohol tastes besides when im out with friends and get a long island at a bar or at dinner. those are good lol. anyways...tuesday drank nearly an entire bottle on my own, by myself alone in my room. needless to say i was screaming and moaning into my pillow sobbing from pain...i rolled over and puked my guts out..all i could think of was that i felt like i was going to die or choke on it and die...i'd never felt like that before..never drank so much at once before...i hating drinking..hate the way it made me feel..why do it u know... but it seems im hardcore with any type of drug being food ..weed, alcohol...im just glad i know in my head i would never try anything else harder...i can barely handle the two mixed. but when i ate i ate till it hurt..when i smoked i smoked till i passed out or anything i had would smoke it all..and drinking well i'd do a half bottle a night. so i clean out my room yesterday and i found 7 bottles i had hidden all empty...and a bottle of rum...one of the bottles of vodka with about 3 shots left in it, from when i drank when i puked...this really made me look at myself..and what im doing...anytime i start something like this i stop growing..i stop maturing..i stop everything... anyways i woke this morning i found myself thinking lying bed that yea..things are changing today..im not spending any more money on drinking...im going to exercise today, im going to walk my dog every day...i was doing the gym every day from dec-april..then stopped..so i said im gonna make sure when i eat it's healthy, which i have been doing anyways..that im active each day apart from regular stuff..doing my pilates again..im gonna walk my dog each day to get him and me extra exercise..im gonna start playing guitar again and reteaching myselg on piano..all these things...then i get up out of bed..come out to the dining room to find my family sitting at the table with all my bottles sitting there with it...3hrs ltaer here i am and i dont really know what to think or say..besides that im glad they all know..and im glad im writing and telling anyone who may read this...it's more for me...but u know im gonna go to meetings n stuff for addiction..for everything basically.. im super scared tho cuz u know my mom kept asking why i drink..why i smoked..why i ate..i really honestly dont know..i mean is anything in my life that bad that i would need to...ive lost no one close to me..nothing awful has happened...my life im very lucky to be surrounded by such awesome family and friends...why would i need to...to feel conifident..to feel less anxious...these are things i can get over without that stuff u know..but im real scared to go to these meetings cuz my mom says everyone has a story..and well im writing now but i dont see it as a story...it's not like i was raped or abused or someone close to me died...my parents divorced when i was 8, big deal..me and everyone else it seems...i dont have a reason for any of it..besides alcoholics run in my family...im irish i guess that's what we do best... anyways...im gonna befine, i dont feel like i need alcohol ever..i just ...do it..to do it.. just like with pot..in my head i thought i needed it but my body never craved it...i just got myself into thinking i did...i hate buying alcohol..i hate drinking..i hate the feeling..why do it.. u know im told i have some talent..im told im smart..this is my only time to live unless my reincarnation hopes come true some day...why am i wasting myself away when icould be amazing..so anyways...me...all that read..or not read...im gonna be ok...but im sure there will be days when i am gonna need some talking to..work is great, i love it there..but it's like when i get home i lookforward to every one going to bed so i can start doin my thing...habits habits..they say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit..im sure i can break all these... i just need to start filling my life with more positive addictions...like my music..and my art..and getting school sorted like i keep talking of but dont do it..u know i'd be there now and probably finished by now if i hadnt spent so much money last year...but u know those pot friends..out of my life...i dont really have any drinking friends besides myself... i just want to be happy.. and i think i am happy..but if i dont know..i guess im not.
i dont really know what else to say...but im going to start writing more in here... even tho i ramble and i dont make much sense..im sure it'll start to eventually
thanks for listening
all through high school i over ate....after graduation i started smoking weed...nothing constant..but enough to get me wanting it more...the last year i spent i'd say about 3 grand on drugs...the over eating stopped, but i wasnt eating healthy... i stopped smoking pot in april...woke up and realized i wasnt even getting high anymore and i was smoking every chance i could...and going absolutely nowhere with my life...then i started buying alcohol...nothing too horrible at first...but drinking alone is never a good thing. bottle here and there of vodka....or maybe rum. cheap as i could get it. this last month and a half i've been drunk nearly every day i could be if i had the money for it... right back to where i was with pot. when i didnt have money wishing i did so i could get drunk that night... why..i hate being drunk, i hate the way any alcohol tastes besides when im out with friends and get a long island at a bar or at dinner. those are good lol. anyways...tuesday drank nearly an entire bottle on my own, by myself alone in my room. needless to say i was screaming and moaning into my pillow sobbing from pain...i rolled over and puked my guts out..all i could think of was that i felt like i was going to die or choke on it and die...i'd never felt like that before..never drank so much at once before...i hating drinking..hate the way it made me feel..why do it u know... but it seems im hardcore with any type of drug being food ..weed, alcohol...im just glad i know in my head i would never try anything else harder...i can barely handle the two mixed. but when i ate i ate till it hurt..when i smoked i smoked till i passed out or anything i had would smoke it all..and drinking well i'd do a half bottle a night. so i clean out my room yesterday and i found 7 bottles i had hidden all empty...and a bottle of rum...one of the bottles of vodka with about 3 shots left in it, from when i drank when i puked...this really made me look at myself..and what im doing...anytime i start something like this i stop growing..i stop maturing..i stop everything... anyways i woke this morning i found myself thinking lying bed that yea..things are changing today..im not spending any more money on drinking...im going to exercise today, im going to walk my dog every day...i was doing the gym every day from dec-april..then stopped..so i said im gonna make sure when i eat it's healthy, which i have been doing anyways..that im active each day apart from regular stuff..doing my pilates again..im gonna walk my dog each day to get him and me extra exercise..im gonna start playing guitar again and reteaching myselg on piano..all these things...then i get up out of bed..come out to the dining room to find my family sitting at the table with all my bottles sitting there with it...3hrs ltaer here i am and i dont really know what to think or say..besides that im glad they all know..and im glad im writing and telling anyone who may read this...it's more for me...but u know im gonna go to meetings n stuff for addiction..for everything basically.. im super scared tho cuz u know my mom kept asking why i drink..why i smoked..why i ate..i really honestly dont know..i mean is anything in my life that bad that i would need to...ive lost no one close to me..nothing awful has happened...my life im very lucky to be surrounded by such awesome family and friends...why would i need to...to feel conifident..to feel less anxious...these are things i can get over without that stuff u know..but im real scared to go to these meetings cuz my mom says everyone has a story..and well im writing now but i dont see it as a story...it's not like i was raped or abused or someone close to me died...my parents divorced when i was 8, big deal..me and everyone else it seems...i dont have a reason for any of it..besides alcoholics run in my family...im irish i guess that's what we do best... anyways...im gonna befine, i dont feel like i need alcohol ever..i just ...do it..to do it.. just like with pot..in my head i thought i needed it but my body never craved it...i just got myself into thinking i did...i hate buying alcohol..i hate drinking..i hate the feeling..why do it.. u know im told i have some talent..im told im smart..this is my only time to live unless my reincarnation hopes come true some day...why am i wasting myself away when icould be amazing..so anyways...me...all that read..or not read...im gonna be ok...but im sure there will be days when i am gonna need some talking to..work is great, i love it there..but it's like when i get home i lookforward to every one going to bed so i can start doin my thing...habits habits..they say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit..im sure i can break all these... i just need to start filling my life with more positive addictions...like my music..and my art..and getting school sorted like i keep talking of but dont do it..u know i'd be there now and probably finished by now if i hadnt spent so much money last year...but u know those pot friends..out of my life...i dont really have any drinking friends besides myself... i just want to be happy.. and i think i am happy..but if i dont know..i guess im not.
i dont really know what else to say...but im going to start writing more in here... even tho i ramble and i dont make much sense..im sure it'll start to eventually
thanks for listening