(no subject)
So, I just finished my last final and am officially a university senior.
It's horrible. I don't want to be at all. I want to be a freshman again, when everything was new and exciting, and school seemed hard but actually wasn't. Or maybe a sophomore, when I was comfortable and experienced, but graduation was still far enough away that I didn't have to worry about anything bigger than a World Civ exam. I don't want to be a junior again, because that's when reality starts hitting. But the first two years ... those were good.
I had a friend in high school who did her freshman year twice. She didn't fail or anything, she just switched schools after freshman year and decided to start from the beginning again. I thought she was crazy, doing an extra year of school she didn't have to, but now I know better. I skipped a grade, and now I wish I hadn't. She did one more year of school, and I did one less, and now I know she had the right idea. Because she'll graduate when she's nearly twenty-three, but I won't even be twenty-one. We'll be in the same life place, but she'll have delayed it two more years than I managed to; she got to hold onto childhood two years longer. She was right, and I wasn't.
I remember when nineteen seemed so old. I remember when being a senior in college seemed so old. It still seems so old. It's old, and I'm not, and that's the terrible truth of it. I'm not ready to be an adult. I've never been ready to be an adult. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to be an adult.
I used to imagine this time in my life. I never imagined further than graduation, because I didn't know then what I'd want to do, but I always imagined that by this time I would, and I'd be able to project myself further into the future than the cap and gown.
Well, I'm at this time in my life now, and I still can't project myself further than graduation. It's still the same vast, frightening, unknown blank it's always been. After graduation, it ends. After graduation, I die, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I can see nothing after graduation, literally nothing. Nowhere I want to be, nothing I want to do, no one I want to be with, and I've always said I wasn't meant to be a student, but the frightening thing is that it seems that maybe I wasn't meant to be anything.
I literally cannot imagine one day beyond graduation. Not even a single day. There's graduation, then there's nothing. I may as well be dead.
And yeah, I've still got a year to figure it out, but the years that used to stretch infinitesimally before me have all squeezed themselves into yesterday, and time has become so fleeting. I may as well have a week for all the good fifty-two will do me.
I just ... I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm just scared.
It's horrible. I don't want to be at all. I want to be a freshman again, when everything was new and exciting, and school seemed hard but actually wasn't. Or maybe a sophomore, when I was comfortable and experienced, but graduation was still far enough away that I didn't have to worry about anything bigger than a World Civ exam. I don't want to be a junior again, because that's when reality starts hitting. But the first two years ... those were good.
I had a friend in high school who did her freshman year twice. She didn't fail or anything, she just switched schools after freshman year and decided to start from the beginning again. I thought she was crazy, doing an extra year of school she didn't have to, but now I know better. I skipped a grade, and now I wish I hadn't. She did one more year of school, and I did one less, and now I know she had the right idea. Because she'll graduate when she's nearly twenty-three, but I won't even be twenty-one. We'll be in the same life place, but she'll have delayed it two more years than I managed to; she got to hold onto childhood two years longer. She was right, and I wasn't.
I remember when nineteen seemed so old. I remember when being a senior in college seemed so old. It still seems so old. It's old, and I'm not, and that's the terrible truth of it. I'm not ready to be an adult. I've never been ready to be an adult. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to be an adult.
I used to imagine this time in my life. I never imagined further than graduation, because I didn't know then what I'd want to do, but I always imagined that by this time I would, and I'd be able to project myself further into the future than the cap and gown.
Well, I'm at this time in my life now, and I still can't project myself further than graduation. It's still the same vast, frightening, unknown blank it's always been. After graduation, it ends. After graduation, I die, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I can see nothing after graduation, literally nothing. Nowhere I want to be, nothing I want to do, no one I want to be with, and I've always said I wasn't meant to be a student, but the frightening thing is that it seems that maybe I wasn't meant to be anything.
I literally cannot imagine one day beyond graduation. Not even a single day. There's graduation, then there's nothing. I may as well be dead.
And yeah, I've still got a year to figure it out, but the years that used to stretch infinitesimally before me have all squeezed themselves into yesterday, and time has become so fleeting. I may as well have a week for all the good fifty-two will do me.
I just ... I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm just scared.