(no subject)
In high school, I didn't really have friends. I mean, I had friends in the sense that there was a group of certain people that I always sat with in class and at lunch and hung out with at school events. But I didn't do stuff with them outside school; in the summer I never saw any of them, so in the summer I effectively didn't have friends. It would be a lie to say this didn't bother me, but by high school I was too used to being on my own most of the time to be overly fussed about it. In fact, in high school I actually had more of a life then I'd ever had before, so even though it bothered me that no one ever invited me to the weekend gatherings, it wasn't like I felt like I'd suddenly become a reject (and I wasn't a reject, just forgettable; there is a difference).
Probably the biggest adjustment I had to make in college was having friends. I mean, it was very bizarre for me to suddenly have people outside my immediate family actually genuinely care if I was sick or sad or didn't turn up for dinner. It was weird for me to have people come into my room and ask if I wanted to do something that weekend, and even weirder when they seemed genuinely disappointed if I said I was going home. Even more bizarre: I wasn't the forgettable one anymore. There actually is a forgettable girl in my group of friends, and I can never get over how it's not me. Over the summer these girls called me, planned a trip with me, and pestered me if I didn't update them about what was going on in my life. It was all very new and weird for me (in a good way), and I honestly don't have any idea how it happened because a huge reason I didn't have friends previously is because I don't know how to make them.
That brings me to my point: I don't have friends here in Scotland. I actually have friends to a lesser degree here than I did in high school. I mean, the classes are all so huge that it's basically impossible to have "class friends"; and while my flatmates are all nice and I get along with them, hanging out with them is awkward, and I don't really interact with them beyond the occasional friendly greeting in the corridor. Basically, it's like high school all over again, minus the chats at lunch and the in-class banter, and also minus my mom bugging me to get off the computer when I'm home.
This doesn't really bother me. Do I wish I had friends here? Yes, of course. Am I miserable because I don't? Far from it. I couldn't take more than a semester here for a variety of reasons, the biggest of which is not the lack of friends. That said, I don't regret my decision to come here this semester, and in some senses I'm less miserable here than I am at my home university (certainly in the sense that here I don't cry myself to sleep every night (or any night, for that matter)). I only have one problem:
I don't know how to explain any of this to my friends from home. I've basically given them general, evasive, and I'll admit misleading updates about my time here because I don't know how to tell them that a.) I don't have friends here, and b.) that's okay. I'm used to being on my own, and in some senses I prefer it (and it's probably where I get the attitude my friends have told me they both hate and admire so much: No one who's not an authority figure in my life is going to tell me what to do!). It's not like it wouldn't be nice to friends here, but I don't require friends. I can get by on my own.
Normally, I wouldn't even worry about it, I'd just keep giving them the misleading updates over the next two months and avoid giving them specifics when I see them in August -- hey, it worked all summer! -- but I've encountered a huge problem. One of my friends is coming to visit me here next month. And yes, I've basically led her to believe that I have friends here. And I don't. Crap. Because what am I supposed to do now, go find friends the last two weeks of classes? How's that going to work? But I don't know how to tell her that I don't actually have friends here because this is the one girl who is still in close contact with her high school friends (even my friends who had real friends in high school don't really talk to them anymore); this is the one girl who I know will never understand that it's okay for me not to have friends. I don't even know what to do because I'll never be able to explain it to her but it's not like I can go get fake friends to show her, you know? And honestly, I'm tired of having to lie about not having friends. I just wish I could level with someone in real life, you know?
Probably the biggest adjustment I had to make in college was having friends. I mean, it was very bizarre for me to suddenly have people outside my immediate family actually genuinely care if I was sick or sad or didn't turn up for dinner. It was weird for me to have people come into my room and ask if I wanted to do something that weekend, and even weirder when they seemed genuinely disappointed if I said I was going home. Even more bizarre: I wasn't the forgettable one anymore. There actually is a forgettable girl in my group of friends, and I can never get over how it's not me. Over the summer these girls called me, planned a trip with me, and pestered me if I didn't update them about what was going on in my life. It was all very new and weird for me (in a good way), and I honestly don't have any idea how it happened because a huge reason I didn't have friends previously is because I don't know how to make them.
That brings me to my point: I don't have friends here in Scotland. I actually have friends to a lesser degree here than I did in high school. I mean, the classes are all so huge that it's basically impossible to have "class friends"; and while my flatmates are all nice and I get along with them, hanging out with them is awkward, and I don't really interact with them beyond the occasional friendly greeting in the corridor. Basically, it's like high school all over again, minus the chats at lunch and the in-class banter, and also minus my mom bugging me to get off the computer when I'm home.
This doesn't really bother me. Do I wish I had friends here? Yes, of course. Am I miserable because I don't? Far from it. I couldn't take more than a semester here for a variety of reasons, the biggest of which is not the lack of friends. That said, I don't regret my decision to come here this semester, and in some senses I'm less miserable here than I am at my home university (certainly in the sense that here I don't cry myself to sleep every night (or any night, for that matter)). I only have one problem:
I don't know how to explain any of this to my friends from home. I've basically given them general, evasive, and I'll admit misleading updates about my time here because I don't know how to tell them that a.) I don't have friends here, and b.) that's okay. I'm used to being on my own, and in some senses I prefer it (and it's probably where I get the attitude my friends have told me they both hate and admire so much: No one who's not an authority figure in my life is going to tell me what to do!). It's not like it wouldn't be nice to friends here, but I don't require friends. I can get by on my own.
Normally, I wouldn't even worry about it, I'd just keep giving them the misleading updates over the next two months and avoid giving them specifics when I see them in August -- hey, it worked all summer! -- but I've encountered a huge problem. One of my friends is coming to visit me here next month. And yes, I've basically led her to believe that I have friends here. And I don't. Crap. Because what am I supposed to do now, go find friends the last two weeks of classes? How's that going to work? But I don't know how to tell her that I don't actually have friends here because this is the one girl who is still in close contact with her high school friends (even my friends who had real friends in high school don't really talk to them anymore); this is the one girl who I know will never understand that it's okay for me not to have friends. I don't even know what to do because I'll never be able to explain it to her but it's not like I can go get fake friends to show her, you know? And honestly, I'm tired of having to lie about not having friends. I just wish I could level with someone in real life, you know?