hard to believe it was three years ago
so it's 6:34 in the morning and i have yet to sleep. the reason i do not sleep is because i am thinking. not about anything good or bad, just thinking. i usually try not to overthink things but i feel that this is productive thought tonight because for some reason I am being very calm, even when thinking about pretty turbulent stuff. it's like i am very clear-headed.
earlier i was writing letters to some rehab friends, and for the first time tonight i think i have developed a PURE appreciation for rehab. before it has always been marked with resentment. i think i will always have resentment about rehab - how can you not be SLIGHTLY bitter that you spent your senior year imprisoned in a strict, arguably abusive facility COMPLETELY against your will? but it's getting harder to be mad at my parents because i am slowly realizing they had no idea. i tell my mom stories of stuff that happened at rehab and she is appalled. the school really brainwashes parents. i have heard school officials straight-up lie and tell a parent something didn't happen when i SAW it happen. they convince parents that their children are very sick and will say anything to get out of rehab. the trouble is, most of our complaints were painfully true.
but my appreciation stems from the fact that i met the most amazing people there. treatment kids have a weird bond. it's like how smokers have a weird bond. if i meet someone who has been thru a similar experience to mine - spending a year or more in inpatient treatment - i immediately feel connected to them in a way. we instantly have something to talk about and something that we share. it's an experience you absolutely cannot understand even remotely unless you have been thru it, and that's the link. of course this is even MORE true with people who were there next to you the whole time, going thru the same shit. because when you're in such a horrible place, it really is your friends who are keeping you alive/remotely sane. you have nothing else to live for, really, other than being yelled at and demeaned and spoken to not like a child, but like a subhuman. they also get into your head and mindfuck you, using your "issues" against you, trying to manipulate you and form you into a perfect, sober, stable, brainwashed citizen. their goal is such a ridiculous ideal, yet you are held to it and judged by it and granted privileges based upon how perfect you are. it's some fucked up shit. that is why i have the bitterness - i could write a fucking novel about the outrageous mistreatment of students.
nevertheless, i made some great guy friends while i was there, but mostly i refer to the girls in my dorm. i have so much love for them i don't know what to do with myself. we all keep in touch, and it's amazing to see how we all branched out into different lives. if you live with the same 20 people for a year (with people switching in and out occasionally), you get damn close to everybody. especially because everyone in the same dorm is on the exact same schedule, doing everything together. i befriended girls i would not have given the time of day, only to find they were absolutely incredible people. i befriended people who appeared to be nothing more than druggies, cutters, and sluts to find that they were some of the most intelligent, intellectually stimulating, and in my opinion valuable human beings in existence. it really taught me not to judge a book by its cover.
i guess you could say everyone at rehab was immature, based upon the decisions that landed us there. but in other regards, everyone was VERY mature - clearly, we had all been thru a lot. while i learned things like how meth is made and how to make a bong out of a watermelon, i also learned about things like spacetime, minimalism, surfing, opera...things i would never have even considered. everyone had some special talent or forte, and everyone had an enrapturing life story. had the discipline not been so severe, it would have been the best time of my life, and sometimes, i really, really miss it. :(
earlier i was writing letters to some rehab friends, and for the first time tonight i think i have developed a PURE appreciation for rehab. before it has always been marked with resentment. i think i will always have resentment about rehab - how can you not be SLIGHTLY bitter that you spent your senior year imprisoned in a strict, arguably abusive facility COMPLETELY against your will? but it's getting harder to be mad at my parents because i am slowly realizing they had no idea. i tell my mom stories of stuff that happened at rehab and she is appalled. the school really brainwashes parents. i have heard school officials straight-up lie and tell a parent something didn't happen when i SAW it happen. they convince parents that their children are very sick and will say anything to get out of rehab. the trouble is, most of our complaints were painfully true.
but my appreciation stems from the fact that i met the most amazing people there. treatment kids have a weird bond. it's like how smokers have a weird bond. if i meet someone who has been thru a similar experience to mine - spending a year or more in inpatient treatment - i immediately feel connected to them in a way. we instantly have something to talk about and something that we share. it's an experience you absolutely cannot understand even remotely unless you have been thru it, and that's the link. of course this is even MORE true with people who were there next to you the whole time, going thru the same shit. because when you're in such a horrible place, it really is your friends who are keeping you alive/remotely sane. you have nothing else to live for, really, other than being yelled at and demeaned and spoken to not like a child, but like a subhuman. they also get into your head and mindfuck you, using your "issues" against you, trying to manipulate you and form you into a perfect, sober, stable, brainwashed citizen. their goal is such a ridiculous ideal, yet you are held to it and judged by it and granted privileges based upon how perfect you are. it's some fucked up shit. that is why i have the bitterness - i could write a fucking novel about the outrageous mistreatment of students.
nevertheless, i made some great guy friends while i was there, but mostly i refer to the girls in my dorm. i have so much love for them i don't know what to do with myself. we all keep in touch, and it's amazing to see how we all branched out into different lives. if you live with the same 20 people for a year (with people switching in and out occasionally), you get damn close to everybody. especially because everyone in the same dorm is on the exact same schedule, doing everything together. i befriended girls i would not have given the time of day, only to find they were absolutely incredible people. i befriended people who appeared to be nothing more than druggies, cutters, and sluts to find that they were some of the most intelligent, intellectually stimulating, and in my opinion valuable human beings in existence. it really taught me not to judge a book by its cover.
i guess you could say everyone at rehab was immature, based upon the decisions that landed us there. but in other regards, everyone was VERY mature - clearly, we had all been thru a lot. while i learned things like how meth is made and how to make a bong out of a watermelon, i also learned about things like spacetime, minimalism, surfing, opera...things i would never have even considered. everyone had some special talent or forte, and everyone had an enrapturing life story. had the discipline not been so severe, it would have been the best time of my life, and sometimes, i really, really miss it. :(