dear mom
so im not very good at expressing emotions in person so im going to do it in this letter because i talk better when i type. Also i just want to get all my feelings out there first without interruptions. Honestly im sorry that I kept this from you for so long and that I had to do it behind your back. And im sorry i never approached you about it, but i knew how u would react and i was scared about what would happen. It was one of those things where i felt that by doing it i had control over something in my life. It gave me a sense of independence,freedom, and strength. I know it sounds stupid but I guess you can say i did to make myself feel in control and it was a mistake on how i approached it. I feel so suffocated at home and that i felt like i just wanted to be able to make a decision about my life on my own. It was a decision that i guess was a little extreme but it felt right and necessary for myself. I did it for me and not to spite you or test you. It was specifically for me. I felt liek i never really get to make any real decisions for myself and that im wasting my life by just sitting home and missing out on having fun memories in life. Im not stupid where im going to go out and like do drugs. You raised me better than that and i just always wish that you would trust me to make the right decisions. I know you just want to protect me from the dangers out there but I cant always just avoid it. And dont get me wrong I love being around and hanging with family and having family time. And you say that youll become the parents that dont care for there kids if you always let me out. You dont have to be overly protective of me just to show that u care. I know you love me and i love you too. You just have to let me go sometimes. Because to be honest im really unhappy of how im living my life . And like if i could i would move out and i dont want to have that feeling, because i love all of you and i love my family more than anything but i feel so frustrated and unhappy with how things are. And i know you say dont compare yourself to other people and i dont . I am who i want to be and its hard for me to be that if i have restrictions in my life. Im an adult and i may not act like one because i dont get treated liek one. Ill be more respectful and responsible if i feel that u can let me. And i know youre probably thinking yeah right like shes going to change. But I will if youre willing to see that i can do it. Just have a little faith in me. Im the type of person who likes to be independent yet social and express themselves in anyway possible, thats why i live art and music. And you never had a problem with this with Ate cuz she wasnt that type of person, because we are complete opposites. Its the fact that you say you "own" me that gets to me. Im already 19 and thats old enough where i should try and make my own decisions. I feel like you haven't cut them umbilical cord and that your afraid that im going to screw up and fall. But you have to let me fall sometimes because i can never learn anything about the real world if you're always doing everything for me. I feel so naive and immature at certain things because ive been so secured and protected and im APPRECIATIVE FOR IT ALL and it makes me feel loved and i understand why you do the things you do. But i feel like its come to the point where you got to let me do things for myself. And thats why i felt like i wanted to move out so i can get the sense of responsibility and doing things on my own and just being to learn through ecperience. So dont get the impression that i just dont want to be around you guys cuz thats the last thing i want. Theres this song that really gets to me because it shows how i feel. and i want to show you the lyrics so you can understand.
I feel chained, chained down
You shoved me to the ground
I can't run, I can't shout
Just let me out
Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get back up again if you let me fall
If I burn down in this fire
Well, I've got myself to blame
I can't stop or give it up
I need to feel the pain
You Say you know who i am
and what I'm all about
Then you'll understand I gotta figure it out
And live my own life
And im sorry for everything and that i feel this way but i cant help how i feel no matter how much you feel that its wrong or stupid. I cant force myself to change the way i feel. And if you read this and dont understand ill feel really disappointed that i cant do anything yo be heard. But know that i am sorry for what has happened and that no matter what I love you more than anything. It may not be expressed often with us but im sure that we'll love and support each other when all this is said and done.
I feel chained, chained down
You shoved me to the ground
I can't run, I can't shout
Just let me out
Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get back up again if you let me fall
If I burn down in this fire
Well, I've got myself to blame
I can't stop or give it up
I need to feel the pain
You Say you know who i am
and what I'm all about
Then you'll understand I gotta figure it out
And live my own life
And im sorry for everything and that i feel this way but i cant help how i feel no matter how much you feel that its wrong or stupid. I cant force myself to change the way i feel. And if you read this and dont understand ill feel really disappointed that i cant do anything yo be heard. But know that i am sorry for what has happened and that no matter what I love you more than anything. It may not be expressed often with us but im sure that we'll love and support each other when all this is said and done.