(no subject)
Things have been going well, I have gotten use to only getting about 3-5 hours of sleep every 2 days or so....at least it seems that way. This coming up week is going to kick ass ! I ‘ve got Brigades Halloween party that I am going to on Friday...And I do not have to do any work when the party’s over! I can just go home. Friday Craftsman Race, Saturday Bush Race, and Sunday Nextel Race........ALL IN ATLANTA!!!!! Wa-Hoo!!! I have been looking forward to this race ALL damn year! I am dying to go but when you don’t work you don’t have money...there for I am very sad that I can not go! After that I've got Ol' Halos Eve, Star Wars Episode III, Baby J will be 1 month old and not to mention Josh will be on Vacation all next week! :-) He should be finding himself a job locally! I am also kind-of hoping to maybe go to Fright Fest at 6 flags; I need a release like that! There are a lot of things that I am looking forward to coming up soon. ..... I did a very bad thing Saturday night....... I did something that I have not done in over a year. Josh, Baby J, and I were at Corey’s Saturday night and we had a few beers. Apparently Corey went and bought a J from Jonathan (wow a name I have not herd in about a year) And Corey asked me if I wanted to smoke it with him! My self-conscious was telling me NO!!!! But my brain was telling me yes....my brain won!!!! I have never felt so guilty in my life! I did not enjoy it, first of all I forgot that when I am really tired weed makes me feel like total shit and I just want to go to bed. I had not slept in like 3 days at the time. I have never had weed make me feel so bad, you would think that after not smoking for soooo damn long it would have done the opposite of that. I think from now on I am going to stick with just drinking. Plus my son was there and I just felt totally uncomfortable. Not to mention that its not worth getting caught anymore, you see if I by chance ever got caught it is not just me at stake anymore, my son is too. I would give up everything in this world for my child to have a wonderful life, and I know that’s not the way. I guess if I were at home and not going out and I were to smoke every now and then it would be different. But I don’t know, I had not had any in a very long time and I was not ready to do it. I wish I had not now, I don’t feel clean anymore! I was feeling really good and enjoying myself....until I smoked......funny that’s never happened before. I really just don’t think I am ready for that; I don’t like being fuzzy headed around my son when he needs me so much! Now if I was out and say Mom was babysitting for me then that would be a little different, Well I still don’t know, I just feel so damn guilty! I'm just not going to do it anymore. I will stick to having a few beers very now and then and be done with it! Starting playing my guitar again today, I have not played in about 6 months, after I moved back home after everything happened I was just too damn depressed to play and enjoy myself, it reminded me of too many things. Let me tell you I suck! I have not gone this long without even picking my guitar sense I started playing. The tips of my fingers started to hurt! That has not happened in years! I am happy, I have started teaching myself the new System song, did not do as good as I would like, I got the song except the chores it just does not sound right to me, but I bet I will get it! I started learning how to play 3 different songs today; my goal is to have them down by Friday. Well I am going to go for now, got baby to sleep so I am going to try to get some zzzz's my self, I know he will be up in about 2 hours and wanting more food!!!!
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