What Happpened at Glastonbury, chapter 13 - "Sunrise"
The cowardly part of me wished that Drew would just stay asleep. Stay asleep, let me sleep, let us just wake up tomorrow and call it a night of never-to-be-repeated festival madness.
As if in response to my thoughts, he rolled over and his eyes opened. He propped himself up on one arm, looking at me with such affection that my heart squeezed inside me. I already knew that this was going to be one of those things I did in my life that hurt more than almost anything else. I really wished I didn’t have to do this.
I tried to fortify my resolve by summoning up the bleeding image of the man Drew had killed in front of me. Which was nearly impossible with Drew, naked under the covers, staring at me with his eyes soft and a small smile playing around his mouth. I took a deep breath and spoke.
“Drew.”
Before I could say anything further, his face changed. “You’re going to say no, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but let me tell you why.”
“I don’t need you to. It’s okay. SiSi, really, it’s okay…” He started to turn away.
“It’s not. Look at me!”
He looked at me blankly. I screwed up my courage. I owed him this, at least.
“Drew… I care about you a lot. A huge amount. But… I’m not you. This has been fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.”
“But?”
“But as long as I’ve known you, you’ve liked men.” He shrugged. “Yeah, I know. You enjoyed tonight, I’m not making fun of you, or saying you just wanted the novelty, I know that’s not true. But… your whole identity is built around that.”
“It isn’t, you know. My identity consists of a shitload of other things, and I don’t define myself by who I sleep with. Not any more.”
“I know that. But… you can’t say for sure that you won’t want to again in future. Sleep with men, I mean.”
He shrugged. “So what? There’s a load of people I want to fuck but can’t for various reasons. If I was with you, I wouldn’t have a problem being with you only for as long as we were together.”
I seized on that like a lifeline. “That’s it, you see. As long as we’re together… but we won’t be together forever, will we?”
He looked slightly exasperated. “SiSi, I’m asking you to date me, not marry me.”
“Yeah, but that’s kind of the problem. I’m the white-picket-fence, two kids and a dog in the back yard type. You… you’re just not, and you shouldn’t try to be, because like you said, you’re fine as you are. You know who you are. And I know who I am, and those two people do not have a long future together.”
“So what? Life is short. Let’s get together and have fun. We can still be friends afterwards.”
Like you are with Jack? I wanted to say, but didn’t. There was a definite edge to Jack and Drew’s friendship; whether it was because they’d once been romantically involved or for other reasons I had no idea, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
“Yeah… you could be. I… maybe should be able to, but… Drew, that’s not me. I’m your friend already. If we start sleeping together, I’ll fall in love with you. I’m halfway there already.” His eyes softened, and I resisted the urge to start crying. “And I just… I can’t go through that again. I can’t fall for someone and then break up with them again. Not after Bobby. That hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced, and it was only a year ago, and I just can’t do it again. I’m sorry, but that’s where I am.”
And please, please, accept that as the reason. Please, do not make me say out loud “I don’t want to be with you because you’re a killer, which makes me an utter hypocrite since the last time you killed someone was to save my life, but I still can’t do this”.
Drew sighed heavily, and for a brief second looked like a man beginning to approach forty. I hurt to see that look on his face.
“You’re sure about this?”
“I really, really don’t want to be, but I am.”
“Okay.” Suddenly, a madcap grin appeared on his face. “We still have tonight though, right?”
I returned the grin. “Oh yeah.”
“Well then,” he turned to me and wrapped his arms round me. “I’d say last time pays for all, wouldn’t you?” He kissed me hard, and I returned the kiss. One last time. One last, unforgettable time…
“Oh yes.”
***
For the second time at the Glastonbury festival, I swum up out of unconsciousness, feeling physically weakened and groggy. Unlike the first time, this time felt good. Really good.
Even the parts of me that were sore were sore in a good way.
I rolled bonelessly over and nearly collided with Drew’s naked back. He was flat out, as dead to the world as if he’d been hit over the head with a sandbag. I guessed that neither of us would be in the mood for early-morning sex, which was a good thing, because I seriously doubted that would be physically possible.
I grinned at the memory of the night before, stretching my exhausted leg and back muscles, finding soreness in muscles I hadn’t used in far too long. Even the thought that stamping through the mud outside wasn’t going to be too much fun with legs that felt like they’d been constructed from jelly didn’t kill the mood.
I’d never been that uninhibited with a man. Never that selfish, that determined on my own pleasure. And Drew had loved it, encouraging me, driving me wild deliberately, goading me into fucking him as hard as I could. The two of us had fed off each other, devouring each other with our mouths everywhere, tongues thrusting, Drew’s hands in me, mine gripping him hard enough to leave bruises that were already starting to faintly show on his lower back. I had an idea he wouldn’t care, any more that I cared about the very large hickey that was decorating my neck.
I lolled back into the bedclothes and fell asleep again.
Some time later, I awoke, rolled over, and found Drew propped on his side, watching me with a small smile. I smiled back. “Hey.”
“Hey.” He was heavy-eyed, more relaxed than I’d ever seen him. “Sleep well?”
“Nah… I had kind of a busy night.”
“Ooh fuck yeah.” He yawned stretched luxuriously, his joints clicking. “Jesus, SiSi, I don’t think there’s a drop left in me. Fuck, that was good.”
“Yeah, likewise… at least kinda likewise.” My stomach growled and we both laughed. “I gotta eat.”
“Yep. Time to find food.”
“Can we find food which is really greasy and bad for you, or is it like lentil burgers and cold hummus only round here?”
Drew chuckled. “Where there are hungry humans, someone, somewhere, will be frying bacon.”
“I kinda need a wash, can we stop at the sauna on the way?”
“Don’t see why not.” He reached down to find his clothes. I sat up and shivered a bit in the cold air.
“You cold?” he asked, pointlessly, then whistled. “Whoa.”
I followed his eyes to where my V-necked T-shirt was nicely showing off the big red mark on my neck.
“Oops,” he said, not really sounding sorry. “I got you pretty good last night, didn’t I? Sorry.”
“M-hmm, have you checked out your back?”
He twisted and peered down his spine to where a neat set of bruises were forming around his hip. He grinned, a Cheshire cat grin, and I guessed he was remembering exactly how those had been formed. “You got me good too.”
“Shit, how am I going to hide this?”
He threw something soft and black at me. I caught it; it was his Green Day T-shirt. I stared at it. The round collar would certainly hide the hickey, and Drew was slim enough that it would fit me, but was turning up in his T-shirt such a good idea?
“SiSi, they’ll never guess. We’ll just say we crashed with some friends of mine, yours got beer spilled on it, I lent you mine. I can get another one, easily.”
“Are you sure?” I’d seen Drew wearing it often enough to guess it was one of his favourites.
“Yeah. Wear it!”
I pulled it on over my head, wincing a bit at the movement. “Ooh, I’m gonna be sore.”
“Worth it, though.”
We dressed swiftly to fend off the cold morning air. Drew scanned me appraisingly.
“Hey, it suits you.”
“Really?”
“Really.” He looked up at my face, and our eyes met, and locked. I fought, fought, fought the urge to say “Look, I was being stupid last night, let’s give this a try…”
Drew grinned at me, his familiar shark’s-grin. “Now, are you going to be all angsty on me, or are we going to get dressed and get breakfast?”
I kind of want to be angsty, I thought, but it was no good. I knew I was right, and that in the long term I’d made the right decision, but it really, really wasn’t easy.
“We’re still friends, right?” I asked abruptly.
He reached over and took my hand, but there was nothing romantic about it. Friendly, though.
“Of course. I wouldn’t want to be without you, SiSi. Now, breakfast.”
And together we stepped out into a sunny morning.
FINIS
As if in response to my thoughts, he rolled over and his eyes opened. He propped himself up on one arm, looking at me with such affection that my heart squeezed inside me. I already knew that this was going to be one of those things I did in my life that hurt more than almost anything else. I really wished I didn’t have to do this.
I tried to fortify my resolve by summoning up the bleeding image of the man Drew had killed in front of me. Which was nearly impossible with Drew, naked under the covers, staring at me with his eyes soft and a small smile playing around his mouth. I took a deep breath and spoke.
“Drew.”
Before I could say anything further, his face changed. “You’re going to say no, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but let me tell you why.”
“I don’t need you to. It’s okay. SiSi, really, it’s okay…” He started to turn away.
“It’s not. Look at me!”
He looked at me blankly. I screwed up my courage. I owed him this, at least.
“Drew… I care about you a lot. A huge amount. But… I’m not you. This has been fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.”
“But?”
“But as long as I’ve known you, you’ve liked men.” He shrugged. “Yeah, I know. You enjoyed tonight, I’m not making fun of you, or saying you just wanted the novelty, I know that’s not true. But… your whole identity is built around that.”
“It isn’t, you know. My identity consists of a shitload of other things, and I don’t define myself by who I sleep with. Not any more.”
“I know that. But… you can’t say for sure that you won’t want to again in future. Sleep with men, I mean.”
He shrugged. “So what? There’s a load of people I want to fuck but can’t for various reasons. If I was with you, I wouldn’t have a problem being with you only for as long as we were together.”
I seized on that like a lifeline. “That’s it, you see. As long as we’re together… but we won’t be together forever, will we?”
He looked slightly exasperated. “SiSi, I’m asking you to date me, not marry me.”
“Yeah, but that’s kind of the problem. I’m the white-picket-fence, two kids and a dog in the back yard type. You… you’re just not, and you shouldn’t try to be, because like you said, you’re fine as you are. You know who you are. And I know who I am, and those two people do not have a long future together.”
“So what? Life is short. Let’s get together and have fun. We can still be friends afterwards.”
Like you are with Jack? I wanted to say, but didn’t. There was a definite edge to Jack and Drew’s friendship; whether it was because they’d once been romantically involved or for other reasons I had no idea, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
“Yeah… you could be. I… maybe should be able to, but… Drew, that’s not me. I’m your friend already. If we start sleeping together, I’ll fall in love with you. I’m halfway there already.” His eyes softened, and I resisted the urge to start crying. “And I just… I can’t go through that again. I can’t fall for someone and then break up with them again. Not after Bobby. That hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced, and it was only a year ago, and I just can’t do it again. I’m sorry, but that’s where I am.”
And please, please, accept that as the reason. Please, do not make me say out loud “I don’t want to be with you because you’re a killer, which makes me an utter hypocrite since the last time you killed someone was to save my life, but I still can’t do this”.
Drew sighed heavily, and for a brief second looked like a man beginning to approach forty. I hurt to see that look on his face.
“You’re sure about this?”
“I really, really don’t want to be, but I am.”
“Okay.” Suddenly, a madcap grin appeared on his face. “We still have tonight though, right?”
I returned the grin. “Oh yeah.”
“Well then,” he turned to me and wrapped his arms round me. “I’d say last time pays for all, wouldn’t you?” He kissed me hard, and I returned the kiss. One last time. One last, unforgettable time…
“Oh yes.”
***
For the second time at the Glastonbury festival, I swum up out of unconsciousness, feeling physically weakened and groggy. Unlike the first time, this time felt good. Really good.
Even the parts of me that were sore were sore in a good way.
I rolled bonelessly over and nearly collided with Drew’s naked back. He was flat out, as dead to the world as if he’d been hit over the head with a sandbag. I guessed that neither of us would be in the mood for early-morning sex, which was a good thing, because I seriously doubted that would be physically possible.
I grinned at the memory of the night before, stretching my exhausted leg and back muscles, finding soreness in muscles I hadn’t used in far too long. Even the thought that stamping through the mud outside wasn’t going to be too much fun with legs that felt like they’d been constructed from jelly didn’t kill the mood.
I’d never been that uninhibited with a man. Never that selfish, that determined on my own pleasure. And Drew had loved it, encouraging me, driving me wild deliberately, goading me into fucking him as hard as I could. The two of us had fed off each other, devouring each other with our mouths everywhere, tongues thrusting, Drew’s hands in me, mine gripping him hard enough to leave bruises that were already starting to faintly show on his lower back. I had an idea he wouldn’t care, any more that I cared about the very large hickey that was decorating my neck.
I lolled back into the bedclothes and fell asleep again.
Some time later, I awoke, rolled over, and found Drew propped on his side, watching me with a small smile. I smiled back. “Hey.”
“Hey.” He was heavy-eyed, more relaxed than I’d ever seen him. “Sleep well?”
“Nah… I had kind of a busy night.”
“Ooh fuck yeah.” He yawned stretched luxuriously, his joints clicking. “Jesus, SiSi, I don’t think there’s a drop left in me. Fuck, that was good.”
“Yeah, likewise… at least kinda likewise.” My stomach growled and we both laughed. “I gotta eat.”
“Yep. Time to find food.”
“Can we find food which is really greasy and bad for you, or is it like lentil burgers and cold hummus only round here?”
Drew chuckled. “Where there are hungry humans, someone, somewhere, will be frying bacon.”
“I kinda need a wash, can we stop at the sauna on the way?”
“Don’t see why not.” He reached down to find his clothes. I sat up and shivered a bit in the cold air.
“You cold?” he asked, pointlessly, then whistled. “Whoa.”
I followed his eyes to where my V-necked T-shirt was nicely showing off the big red mark on my neck.
“Oops,” he said, not really sounding sorry. “I got you pretty good last night, didn’t I? Sorry.”
“M-hmm, have you checked out your back?”
He twisted and peered down his spine to where a neat set of bruises were forming around his hip. He grinned, a Cheshire cat grin, and I guessed he was remembering exactly how those had been formed. “You got me good too.”
“Shit, how am I going to hide this?”
He threw something soft and black at me. I caught it; it was his Green Day T-shirt. I stared at it. The round collar would certainly hide the hickey, and Drew was slim enough that it would fit me, but was turning up in his T-shirt such a good idea?
“SiSi, they’ll never guess. We’ll just say we crashed with some friends of mine, yours got beer spilled on it, I lent you mine. I can get another one, easily.”
“Are you sure?” I’d seen Drew wearing it often enough to guess it was one of his favourites.
“Yeah. Wear it!”
I pulled it on over my head, wincing a bit at the movement. “Ooh, I’m gonna be sore.”
“Worth it, though.”
We dressed swiftly to fend off the cold morning air. Drew scanned me appraisingly.
“Hey, it suits you.”
“Really?”
“Really.” He looked up at my face, and our eyes met, and locked. I fought, fought, fought the urge to say “Look, I was being stupid last night, let’s give this a try…”
Drew grinned at me, his familiar shark’s-grin. “Now, are you going to be all angsty on me, or are we going to get dressed and get breakfast?”
I kind of want to be angsty, I thought, but it was no good. I knew I was right, and that in the long term I’d made the right decision, but it really, really wasn’t easy.
“We’re still friends, right?” I asked abruptly.
He reached over and took my hand, but there was nothing romantic about it. Friendly, though.
“Of course. I wouldn’t want to be without you, SiSi. Now, breakfast.”
And together we stepped out into a sunny morning.
FINIS