Exactly so
A great article for those not already steeped in feminist blogs such that they are familiar with the Nice GuyTM stereotype. It's in regards to the man who shot up three women in Pennsylvania, but it applies to more men than most of the men reading this would even feel comfortable knowing about.
The most cuttingly observant part:
Telling a guy the real reasons you're not interested -- you don't find him attractive, he's way too old for you, you get a distinctly creepy vibe off him, whatever -- or offering no explanation at all, because you just met this guy and owe him nothing, would be "rude." And thanks to the conditioning Harriet describes, exhibiting the slightest hint of "rudeness" to any stranger who approaches you with sex on his mind makes you feel not like a normal human being with healthy boundaries, but a mean, frigid, stuck-up bitch.
What she describes there is the reason why even women who are sexually assaulted by strangers hesitate to shout out about it. We freeze up because to call attention to the man grabbing your ass on the subway or masturbating while looking at you is to "make a scene." If you can't even speak up about unwanted, forced sexual contact without an entire subway car or neighborhood going, "Whoa, crazy person" (even if they do not say so aloud), you're definitely going to tell the guy at the bar, "See, you're nice and all, but..." to avoid a confrontation with him. Because in addition to avoiding "rudeness" you have to avoid him "making a scene" which invariably reflects on the woman. (Read some of the posts on Holla Back NYC, and you'll see that women who shout back often do get the goggle-eyed stare of people who blame her as much for the disturbance as the pervert.)
Avoiding rudeness should not be the first concern in a woman's mind, but it is. So long as we socialize women not to reject men they should reject out of hand, this will continue to encourage those men to drift towards being Nice GuysTM.
The most cuttingly observant part:
Telling a guy the real reasons you're not interested -- you don't find him attractive, he's way too old for you, you get a distinctly creepy vibe off him, whatever -- or offering no explanation at all, because you just met this guy and owe him nothing, would be "rude." And thanks to the conditioning Harriet describes, exhibiting the slightest hint of "rudeness" to any stranger who approaches you with sex on his mind makes you feel not like a normal human being with healthy boundaries, but a mean, frigid, stuck-up bitch.
What she describes there is the reason why even women who are sexually assaulted by strangers hesitate to shout out about it. We freeze up because to call attention to the man grabbing your ass on the subway or masturbating while looking at you is to "make a scene." If you can't even speak up about unwanted, forced sexual contact without an entire subway car or neighborhood going, "Whoa, crazy person" (even if they do not say so aloud), you're definitely going to tell the guy at the bar, "See, you're nice and all, but..." to avoid a confrontation with him. Because in addition to avoiding "rudeness" you have to avoid him "making a scene" which invariably reflects on the woman. (Read some of the posts on Holla Back NYC, and you'll see that women who shout back often do get the goggle-eyed stare of people who blame her as much for the disturbance as the pervert.)
Avoiding rudeness should not be the first concern in a woman's mind, but it is. So long as we socialize women not to reject men they should reject out of hand, this will continue to encourage those men to drift towards being Nice GuysTM.