Good Stuff :)

Oct 03, 2005 11:16

Today has been the most excellent of days for me! I just cant stop smiling right now and I am so full of happiness. Started off regular, went to class actually, ate lunch with Natalie and Julie at Shanghais, saw Brian and Marianne, love her new skirt. Umm…oh yeah, went to the dr and she said I have pneumonia, she sat there forever looking at her scribbles and told me to come back tomorrow morning, in the meantime i'm off the levaquin since by body is reacting badly to it. Alaric called and I met him out at the beach, got icee’s, I love icee’s, walked the beach and had good conversation as usual. He brought me orange lilies, it was very very sweet of him. I cant wait to see them bloom fully. I got my package in the mail from my mom, paid off housing with a short term loan that I have to repay in a month, how I have no idea, lol. Then I was back in my dorm talking on the phone with my mom just about what I’ve been up to etc.

Then I don’t know, lol, I just realized all of sudden God answered one of my prayers from over the summer. I had prayed that I would have Christian friends who had a passion for sharing the gospel and I could evangelize with, like for when I want to meet with people like scott again in the occult. Someone who wasn’t afraid of darkness, who understood where I was coming from, meaning knowing I am not that “crazy”, lol, And duh, lol, Alaric has experienced the occult, at least been around that crowd, is totally on fire for God and feels alive when sharing the gospel as I did when I actively prayed for God to use me in opportunities everyday, a guy is better to go with when talking to the occult guys than another girl. I just realized that I could do these bible studies with the girls here, be in fellowship with them and be totally dead inside b/c I wasn’t sharing. Yes with my friends and people online, but I wasn’t laboring and praying for those things like I did so passionately right after i was saved. I keep feeling like I cant pray for opportunities and I don’t want to get into those situations where I would have to honestly labor whole heartedly for someone b/c i'm not in a position for God to use me, i am struggling, first I need to get right with God with something. Let me tell you, God has used me before even in my weakest state in sharing the gospel, cuz its not me that has the power to change lives, its always been God. Im in this rut because I know I NEED to evangelize, it was like oxygen to me when I was first saved. I was at peace after I shared no matter what the outcome, if they lashed out at me, if they hated me, just smiled and nodded like I was crazy…. It didn’t matter, I knew everything was worth it. I was being challenged to learn more about God, get in the Word, truly grow in my faith. All this bible study and constantly being around Christians who are constantly only around other Christians…it all feels empty and meaningless…they are spiritually dying and I was too. When I would share and see other peoples lives all that bitterness had melted away before and I could see how much God loves people, how much he desires us! I cant be one of those Christians who are content and comfortable just doing the Christian routine of bible study, church, worship, fellowship etc….thats not even living from my experience….sharing the gospel is soo important in the Christian walk. Everyday important just like prayer. I keep hearing people share because its their duty, it’s a command, they don’t want people going to hell..etc… Those are all reasons, good reasons, but when you start to see people you start to see Gods love for them, their need for God, you do fall in love with God again and again and you grow in your faith. I want people to challenge me, I want to find the answer if God has one to give them, I want to know the bible, not for my own personal growth and benefit, but so that I may build up the body, learn to encourage my brothers and sisters and, walk in the Spirit, more effectively share the gospel and be freer and freer of sin so others can see that Christ did bring freedom from sin. I have never felt more at peace, more loved, more sure in my faith, desiring to get in the Word, to pray, to constantly talk to God, to not think about myself…than when I SHARE MY FAITH! Not just piddly share like I have been, lol, but in the spirit just pleading with God to use me when I wake up in the morning to spread the good news. I remember after I was saved being with that drug dealer in LA and sharing with him and not knowing a word I said when I finished but seeing the tears in his eyes…and I knew this makes every moment of my life worth living. I AM SO EXCITED! Emotions do fade though, God has given me this awakening for sure. My obedience cannot hinge on my emotions, I must be held accountable and be disciplined to do what I know I need to do even when I may not “feel” I am in such high spirits. Something really scary happened on my walk tonight and I nearly took off running, fight of flight, lol, I took flight for a sec, lol. I stopped, began praying aloud and I was at peace. I NEED to be free of fear, I want to be. The more I see God work, the more I am free of this. I keep telling the girls here call me if you wanna go downtown or something for a night where we specifically evangelize, to me that’s a lot more fun than sitting around watchin a movie sat. night but I will now call them I think and invite them to evangelize…someone needs to set an ex. and like I was asked over the summer, why don’t I ever want to step up to plate since I see a need. If I keep thinking I have to do some big thing and all of a sudden bam idk, everything will be right or idk anymore honestly, lol, I have to do something huge before God can use me again and I will have purpose in Him than I will get no where. I will be stagnate in my growth. Wow, i need rest, and prayer tonight. God Bless everyone in things above who has been an encouragment to me and brought me truth.
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