(no subject)
How else to express your dissatisfaction without sounding like your whining or complaining. I always state things matter-of-factly, I examine all logical angles, that doesnt mean to say that I come in to any optimistic conclusions. I always seem to come to the same conclusions, if not then somehow more negative than what once was felt. For a now brief period of time I had overcome the weight of things, felt as if I were progressing in what little way I can at the moment. I can't help how I feel, and everything I once felt so passionately about seems to lose more and more meaning every day. Every new bit of information I receive only plunges me further into this rediculous depression now. I literally have nothing any longer it seems, when I had so little to begin with. Im bound to my love, and truthfully dont want to be set free except in a manner that makes that love flourish once more but im afraid that it can never be that way. I seem to be coming to a point where I could forgive mistakes, no matter how painful they were to endure, but only if they were never to be repeated. But I cant trust that, I cant trust anything except change. Im so weary of dwelling and wallowing but I cannot break my mind from this trance. I dont see a beautiful world of possibility, but all that once was that can never be again...and will anything compare, no. I really have no reason to go on, in 4 years I could if nothing changes (miraculously) in that time, then when my debt is payed and wont be left for someone to take responsibility over then ive decided that must be the end. I ask for more than temporary solutions, no distractions, something lasting and enduring goddamnit. Why can't anyone prove to me that they arent just slaves to appetites, that they can be better than what's standard, overcome stereotypes in how things play out in our lives, prove that love without tragedy can exist if they cared to make it so. Is nothing worth the effort, I put forth so much and am given so little in return and yet I fail to learn any lesson because of it. I am still so genuinely trusting and hopelessly giving. Im so very tired of teases, which is all distractions are, a way to skirt around the true problems without ever addressing them. What good is it to recognize all of this and still have no control over it, we cant change what we desire, what we need to be complete and yet all is ever tossed to the wind so easily over these temporary solutions. Does that mean I should let all this bad experience devalue what was so very important, does that mean that it was only ever valueless and I am simply realizing that now...are the illusions fading, is this a chance to find new meaning.....new meaning?! Preposterous, in how far ive come and how long ive lived Ive been granted a small slice of the entire cake and thats been beaten and shaken out of my grasp...and im expected to start afresh, like an untainted newborns mind, fertile for plantation of false seeds once more...expected to take it in stride as if this just happens all the time, what a comfort that is...more to look forward too...I can hardly wait....my warmth is being drained, my fire dying...and all I can do is watch, im helpless like a stupid snot nosed child...do I deserve this, do I deserve anything...if I can ever understand, it will only make the truth more painful to bear...