(no subject)
I cant say I know why exactly, I seem to go through periods of time when I in my mind(alone?) feel as if things are progressing or heading in a forward motion in some rather small trivial way. I do take satisfaction in these times, as much as I can, all seems to be more relaxed and life possibly a little sweeter for however long it lasts. Pathetically a major cause of and/or reason for this is having money even a small amount left over after the months bills are paid. But I do realize very small progress is made in my debt, I dont know where this satisfication comes from except from the illusion of progress...but no, not actual progress. Besides the illusions, and fiction are what get us by...lies, lying to yourself. Finding meaning in things, actions and doings...though when dissected are as meaningless as anything we glance past without a second thought. I dont think I have ever been any further behind, and by behind I mean furthest from true freedom of my debt, than I am now. Well maybe last months end was worse....and with this weight as well as with others I bear which are my own, some by choice others in which I have trapped myself. I cant see where it is all going anymore, the only true comfort is in distraction....but that is another way of lying...and how can you go through life lying to yourself...doesnt then your life become the lie