..And I just wanted you to know...I swear I never meant for this...it was an honest mistake

[trinitydenied]

..meaning came and went from my life on a weekly basis, it was once this way before...now to be relived once again...I came home to an empty room, a room which we lived in...but only a vacation spot as of late, a place to indulge my fantasy of happiness and commitment....but now its vacancy, its silent empty reminder of life how it truely is. Though memory never fades, I couldnt or wouldnt yet push myself to clean or rearrange any disorganization or uncleanliness left behind...as if leaving it here to stare back at me, to envelope me with its musk was a way of holding onto the fantasy just a bit longer. I didnt want to let go, in my mind...in my heart I never do or will again. But I do have to lie, lie to myself or die trying. It echoes of so much, so much said and done...the times shared are the ones I wish to remember..the only ones worth remembering...the times of blindness and pointless distraction are a bad memory..maybe they once held meaning for me..but as you try to dull the pain of the main wound with lesser pain....and trick the mind...it is only temporary, and a bad idea at best....it doesnt even work in the end. Is there not any redemption for me? A way to prove my worth, I dont have the words for what needs to be said....for what needs to be understood just the feeling, just en emptyiness and pain that speaks to me but in no language but of whats felt. I try so hard to express it, so many times it could be considered sickening....I dont want pity, just to be heard....just to know my words are truely taken in, thought about...that I and my plight are considered more so than what to do in spare time or what to eat today. That it isnt discarded because of the lack of control involved. Though I try, I dont feel understood...less than any comfort is given in return, I express negativity and am met face to face with more...a pest, an annoyance..I tried but I think I must give up, though my heart and mind are relentless in their assault on me I no longer can or should I(?) speak a word...no one beside me knows how much it all weighs, no matter which words are used...I dont want to be heard by the only one which I need to listen. I am alone, screaming from this place...but not the One hears me. At times with only post realization, I find that Id forgotten...for a small period of time the weight...the burden only I understand. Happiness comes in small interjections and doses, I look upon the face of love and feel disgarded in its gaze, even its words hiss of venom at times...and I am alone in company again. There is a warmth there within, in all intention I believe its meant to be warm

...But the fact remains I am a slave at the hands of a master, a master without keys....with no end in sight of the cold that ceaselessly envelopes me, that I am kept in...I do know where the keys lie, they are within my reach...to think because of this convenience that I have any more power over my fate is a dillusion, a fucking joke...power is not mine to have in this sickening game, the final act of violence has yet to be performed...should I take my only freedom...yes, and nudge the keys closer to my master...drink throatfulls of the final ocean of pain awaiting me, would I drown? Relish, as I sink, in the fact that though it is all so wrong...I aided it in occuring....how will that fact, and just the act itself scar me....how will I renter the world, will it kill me inside...it feels, as if it already has begun...